How are you feeling? Me, well, slightly concust.
04/02/2004 08:04 p.m.
So I cracked my head against Tylers head in pe today when we were both going to head the ball. One of us got it, the other one got the others head. Not cool. It was in mid air. My head hurts, and I'm supposed to watch for feeling really sleeping or nauseated... right now I feel kinda nauseated but I'd rather not tell people that, seeing as they'd flip out and its not too bad anyways. If it gets worse, I'll say something. Besides, I wanna see Jordan today, and ma wouldn't let me if she thought I was hurt. As for the stress factor, it's still there, but if there's one thing a hit on the head is good for it's making you feel like you're floaty, which I think is contributing to my relaxedness right now. If It weren't for the dull ache in my head I'd say this was great. Perhaps it's only good. I can tell both my christian Jens that to answer my prayers and relieve me of my stress, god gave me a concussion. Or something like it. Ow.
I am currently Jumbled
I am listening to Take the A Train

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I'm sick of this bull and frankly, I want to cry.
04/02/2004 06:27 a.m.
Human cloning essay due for saturday morning. Math test on a chapter I haven't even finished on friday. chem test next week with chem as my worst subject. Leader of the pack rehersals 4 nights a week with the show in a month. Friend of the family diagnosed with cancer and given an extimate of 3 TO 6 FUCKING MONTHS TO LIVE left, taking up saturday and sunday.... I think I might cry from this. My parents give me no support. I tell them I'm stressed and they shake their fucking fingers at me like "tsk tsk tsk you should have gotten it done earlier" "tsk tsk tsk, you're managing your time all wrong" well fucking thank you. Thank you for that mom and dad. Because theres no way I'm nearly as stressed as you. I dont work all day (I just go to school from 730-5). My ex wife isn't dying (she's just been in my life as long as i can remeber). I feel like I'm going to break down. Tomorrow I go to school at 730, take a math test, go to the rest of my classes, meet the coordinator for the public speech contest, go home finish math and chem, HOPEFULLY (or dear god I might die) see Jordan or just chill by myself for a while, sleep, get up, do the contest, get my books, do homework on the way to victoria to see joanne (my dads exwife), possibly stay over night, possibly see her again on sunder, then monday do it all over again with school and theatre and homework and jazz and school and theatre and homework and school and theatre and homework and oh my god.

Human cloning. My public speaking thing is on human cloning and i'm supposed to have some opinion. Opinion? Dear god I don't know. I know what i'm told and I say what people want to hear. What the fuck opinion do I have? I do what gets the high marks and jump through all the hoops and play for the applause and what the hell do I even think about cloning? I should tell them I dont care. What is my opinion? I don't fucking care. So long as they don't clone me, I'm cool, whatever. God I'm fucking sick of schedules, I want summer, I want to just relax... I want to have fun and smile not have to run around for other people. I'm so sick of this bullshit.
I am currently Overwhelmed

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woot!
03/25/2004 08:44 p.m.
Friday play-by-play...
;)
I am currently Erotic

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Blah.
03/25/2004 02:39 a.m.
22 reads, zero comments.

*Sigh*
I am currently Nerdy
I am listening to kiltlifters

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7 hungry hosers
03/20/2004 10:46 p.m.
Never really listened to much ska before last yesterday...
The Kiltlifters rock my world!

I'm listeing to their cd right this instant, and it makes you wanna bouce and smile really big.

I might get on much music! That is, if their video gets on the air. I was up close in the corwd. It was so much fun. After the shoot there was this big free concert downat Swy-a-lana. It pretty good except for this band called nectar, which really sucked. Like, really really really sucked. Their music lacked any depth or dynamics, and they just screamed the whole time. It was shitty. But the other bands "Who Shot Marvin" and "The Hoochie Girls" and of course "The Kiltlifters" Rocked my socks right off. Me and Jordan were up close the stage dancing away. And there was this guy right beside me who kept touching me, putting his arm around me and stuff, even when I had an arm around Jordan! I was like 'ok, i'm here with my BOYFRIEND, c'mon!' lol.

This song is rad:
"Seven hungry hosers in a hotel room
Seven hungry hosers in a hotel room
Seven hungry hosers in a hotel room-
WHY IS THE SOAP SO SMALL?!?!"
I am currently Boisterous
I am listening to 7 Hungry Hosers

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Thinking About 'Sorry'
03/19/2004 06:13 a.m.
You know, I think in general we take the word "sorry" for granted. Sorry is such a powerful thing, but we toss it around at every corner. We say it when we don't mean it. When we mean it, alot of times we don't say it.
We use sorry when we conciously realize "oh my goodness, that was so stupid." We also use it when we think we're not being socially acceptable, even when we believe in what we did, as in "sorry (for not being socially acceptable in your presense when common social guidelines say I should be)."
It's the first one, I think, that counts.
We all take sorry for granted until it's the one thing we wished we'd hear someone say. We like to hear sorry when we're not quite sure if piping up is a good idea, because we dont know if we're in the right. Sorry reassures us that "yes, our feelings are valid" and of course "yes, you're really sorry."
There is a very distinct difference, also, between someone who means he's sorry but doesn't say it, and someone who says it but doesn't mean it, and another one who both says it and mean it. Neither A nor B is ever really filling. It's never really enough. Like the muffin that doesn't quite fill you up because it's just a muffin. You can mean it, but if it's not said it's still in the grey. You can say it, but if it's not meant it's totally hollow and worthless. There are so many times when we mean sorry and we think the other person's got it so we dont have to say it, when really they're just in the grey.
Then there are those times. Those times where you feel dejected and you sit there and you think and you think... and you're watching the would-be sorry-er (yourself as the would-be sorry-ee) and you're thinking about things that aren't right. Like when you zone out and you might start out thinking happy things and by the end it's all bad...
And you're sending mental messages but they're not getting through, and you don't know whether you're just being a dumb girl (or guy) for feeling how you do so you don't wanna say anything, and you're watching the minutes tick thinking "There's either something wrong with me, or [would be sorry-er] in this..."
... Then it's time. And you walk away with some subtle comment under your breath that they catch cuz you half-intentionally said it too loud and they get it. They get it and stop you and spotlight that feeling of yours. the one you couldn't really pin.
[Ding Ding! Underlying emotion has been targeted, displaying the ability to be sensitive and intuitive to would-be sorry-ees needs]
And you tentatively scream "ROGER! THAT'S A BULLSEYE!"
And then, well, then they know they've done it. Then they KNOW the deal here. This is where that amazing thing happens. You've got all of that swirling feeling inside of you (dissipated slightly by the identification process) and you feel like emotionally lashing out and perhaps toppling a few multi story buildings with your godzilla like feeling and it comes. It's buttery.

"I'm sorry."

[DING FUCKIN DING WE HAVE A FUCKIN WINNER!!]

It takes that feeling of general 'ick' or angst or whatever it might be in the case, and paired with an explaination, and apology, and a method for termination of repetition of this unpleasant glitch in time, dissolves the 'ick' into relief, joy and even general thankfulness for being blessed with the presense of a person who can both say sorry, and mean it.

In conclusion, I have come to conclusion that a sincere (not reckless, not nonvocalized) sorry goes a LONG way.




afternote: It never ever hurts to vocallize it, but if you MUST go without saying it, it has also come to mind that 2 tonne bricks must be dropped on the person you're sorry to. It has to be a direct sorry with the eyes or something just as obvious for it to work. I've tried other ways. They don't cut it.

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http://godhatesshrimp.com
03/12/2004 01:10 a.m.
So the bible says that god hates gay marriages....

well.
If you're a fundamental christian and all around seafood lover, prepare for Hells gate.

While your at it, go here too.
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2004/03/05/notes030504.DTL&nl=fix
I am currently Stellar

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E$$O :(
03/11/2004 11:50 p.m.

width="468" height="120" alt="Boycott Esso now!">



A huge contributer to global warming. They're wrecking the planet. I shake my fist to them *shakeshake, shakeshake*

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:D!!!!!!!!!!!
03/09/2004 08:01 p.m.
Wow.....






Wow.....





POTD for no apparent reason feels so.....
nice.

Today I'll smile like, a mile wide.

(Thanks :D)
I am currently Peachy
I am listening to Barbara speak french.

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blah.
03/08/2004 05:13 a.m.
Sometimes I wonder who I'm supposed to be, and to what people.
I wonder if I'm only me because I know deep down it's what some people want.

What would ever happen if I let it all go?


What price am I willing to pay for my own identity?

(relationships-mothers-fathers-brothers-jordan-barbara-reputation-popularity-favour-sex-romance-flavour-reality-security?)

If I were to be real, me, 15, Trish, in my own head, with my own ideas, contradictions, mistakes, and all the boring aspects of me..... if I were to dare to be boring..... to be unhorny..... to be secure enough to not hide behind sex (or not to start)..... to not have an answer.... Who would still be there?

Who would waste their time waiting so that they'd be the first I'd see when my eyes opened?
Would anyone still hold my hand?
Call?

Or will I lose my world of people and things that I love if I dare to step away?

If all I had was speechlessness and a heart that screamed I'm here for you, but no words to make it happen, is that enough? Is my touch enough?

Am I loved for who I am, who I show myself to be, or do you think one is the other.

(If the surface changed, would the underlay still matter to you?)
I am listening to Whitenoise

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