brutal Life
03/12/2004 03:43 a.m.

on the way to work this morning, i took a different route, as i picked up a co-worker... we turned down a street, and right in the middle of the road was a bunny... convulsing...

someone had hit it and it was bouncing up and down dying...

i have a problem with seeing children and animals in pain... this is the first time i've seen something like that... all i could think was, damn us humans for driving in their home... then i wished i had hit it with my car to put it out of it's misery... then i wished i had stopped and held it while it died... i cried the rest of the way to work, for that little bunny... and i don't cry that often...

i don't know why i am putting this here... i guess so that someone will know about the bunny that died this morning...

mommy, do you know what color your heart is?
03/10/2004 06:37 a.m.

i just finished giving Audrey a bath... she said, "Mommy, do you want to hear something?"... so i say, "sure"... she proceeds to tell me that dog's heart's are gold... she knows this because she looked it up on the internet (!)... then she told me that human's heart's are red (she refers to people as humans, it's really quite cute, my little daughter who's IQ passed mine 2 years ago; and she's 4)... and that inside the red heart is a pink heart, and inside the pink heart is a yellow heart... she told me that once you crack open the yellow heart, it finds true love... she said, "Mommy, look, my heart is cracked open!"... then she looked at mine at said, "Your's cracked too soon"... after a moment of silence, she looked at me deeper and said, "I'm just kidding, Mommy, your heart cracked at the right time... see we both have true love in our hearts."

hmm... i have a very profound little person... very profound and she can read through me like a book...

the kindness of others
03/09/2004 03:35 a.m.

someone wrote a poem for me... no one has ever written a poem for me... with the day i've had, i probably didn't deserve a poem written for me, but i got one anyway...

how fortunate am i?

thank you, elisabeth, for your kindness to others...

lost
03/06/2004 07:45 a.m.

my inner mind is conflicting... internal turmoil directly caused by external strife... if one could close their eyes and be reborn, into a different set of circumstances... would the gain be worth the loss?... the one perfect thing i have is my daughter... that should be enough, shouldn't it?... sometimes i wish we could fly away, like in her book about the cloud people... and live with the cloud children, all day every day... think happy thoughts...

the weight is getting just a little too much to bear...

now how's that for melodramatic, and so much for schindler's list...

buying burning man tickets online blows
03/01/2004 10:07 a.m.

ok, this maniacal fantasy that after 2 @#%&ing hours i'm going to buy burning man tickets online, is just that, a fantasy... my ass has been planted firmly in front of my damn computer since midnight trying to obtain tickets... i am at the buy now part and have been since 12:15... if i had a gun, i'd blow my.......................................................................

computer screen off... lol

i've seen "cannot find server" more times than i'd like to admit...

crap...

classic movie a la andikins
02/17/2004 11:22 p.m.

What Classic Movie Are You?

cleanse me
02/04/2004 06:14 a.m.

Cleanse me

Wash away these stains

Pour down

And free me from these chains

Heal me

With droplets of might

Bathe me

In an ocean of white

it rained really hard last night... i was hoping the rain would wash the pain from my loves....... and myself too...

author's note for bloody checkmate
02/03/2004 03:07 a.m.

author's note:

i wonder what our soldiers feel as they catch a bullet for their country, in a war that, lucky for us, is not being fought on American soil... being a pacifist Pagan, it blows my mind that i am more patriotic than many around me... it disgusts me that those who would call themselves American (especially the liberal media and many, many celebrities, whom, if not for living in the most free country on the planet, might not be able to voice their un-patriotic voices) have virtually no loyalty to their home... my heart goes out to the brave ones we have lost, in many wars since Vietnam, who may look at us as their souls leave their bodies, and wonder why there is less support than is warranted... just my opinion, of course, but I am getting so sick and tired of our un-patriotic country... i wonder if the shoe was on the other foot, what these people would be saying or doing...

**side note in response to comment number 2, sent via IM: "my religious path is paganism and i mean pacifist in the way that i prefer non violence over violence... however, there are certainly times where violence is justified... as for the celts, well, i have studied their religious followings, but their violence, as with much of the wars of the old world were, well, just that, in an older world... my point in my cryptic poem is that i wish many of the elite in the US would stop being un-patriotic... explaining in my author's note that i am a pacifist, yet still support our country with loyalty to those that die so that i may be free, is just that... to explain that you can be on the complete other end of the spectrum, yet still support this beautiful nation and those that would defend it... i hope this clarifies a bit... thank you for taking the time to read my poem and comment... blessings...

my mother's in a shelter
01/02/2004 07:54 a.m.

My mother’s in a shelter

There’s nothing we can do

My mother’s in a shelter

It could be me or you

Left her house this morning

With the clothes on her back

Left her house this morning

Her life rolled in a sack

Don’t know where she’s going

Her life a troubled mess

Don’t know where she’s going

Her heart can’t stand the stress

I wish I had some answers

To wash the pain away

I wish I had some answers

On this gloomy New Year’s Day…

argh!
12/31/2003 09:35 a.m.
i have totally and completely HAD it... i have kissed my step daughter's ass for almost five years and have literally no fond memories of it... i have two more weeks and don't think i can handle even that... andi, can aud and i stay with you until the 17th?... i'm so pissed... i cannot believe how i was just spoken to... my head hurts... i literally have encountered the most selfish, narcistic, self-absorbed person on the planet, and i married her father... i must have done something really bad, because this punishment never ends... please, whatever god there is, please, oh please, get me through the next two weeks without kicking her ass... i have been polite and adult and "done the right thing" and I'VE HAD IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck... take that in your pipe and smoke it, Dr Laura!!!
I am currently Pissed Off
I am listening to the goddamn fan, WHAT ELSE?!

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