updates
04/06/2005 04:21 p.m.
have no phone and no internet.

moved.

lots of people have died where i worked.

seeing a counselor. not real impressed. diagnosis on the billing form is neurotic depression. i remain skeptical. of course, it also has me listed as seeing the dr for lumbago when it was a dislocated rib so my confidence in their skills isn't high at the moment. maybe it's just a billing thing.

went on a trip, much needed. long time by bus but we made it all the way to new hampshire and came back via toronto. got to put faces to a couple internet friends. all of whom are encouraging me to move east.

deceased brother's birthday is coming up. not sure how that'll go over. appears to fall around the time i'm going to be on my period and am supposed to work that day. will see.



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no value
08/16/2004 07:55 a.m.
you do not know me. therefore my presence has only what value i give you in entertainment. if i agree with you, you may stop a moment and listen. i may disagree with you but only if i can do so with wit and/or tact. otherwise i shall be passed by just as you've passed by a thousand and ten other poets who were just as mediocre, just as ordinary.

do i value myself? (yes-maybe-sort-of). my ego takes it's lumps and bruises along with everyone else's. my opinion on the matter doesn't matter. because when push comes to shove, when everything you consider important comes home to roost, when you choose your priorities...i have no place. i am nobody writing to the wind.

in your conjuring i am the zero value. i have no worth. as long as i go along with your proprieties and bigotries i remain tolerated, unnoticed. should i choose to voice a contrary opinion i am as easily removed from your consciousness as an ice cube upon scalding water. i'd never dream of fighting that. of fighting you. there is no point when i already know you hold me to be ultimately useless. another number. a faceless name. a nameless face. a frame for breasts. plenty more like me in the world.

i do not trust you, you cannot care. i use what you willingly provide and ask no favors, knowing i become nothing more than fodder for your ego pushed aside for a juicier bit when it (they?) turn up. do you think i'm blind to the invisible strings of silence you're attempting to bind me with? because i remain in silence you see what you intend to see, oblivious to the truth.

i know your racket. writing to the wind i truly am and just as the wind blows by so too will i. you'll toil on, completely ignorant of what you lost. but i, i shall return home.
I am currently Alienated

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nyeh and meh
06/27/2004 05:52 a.m.
my muse and i are in disagreement. as is my isp and i. someone invited me to the ren fair next month. need to collect my book from jon and return his. there is too much prose in my mind tonight. i blame the dirty dishes and cluttered house. too many projects unfinished weighing me down. too many precious secrets, too many ugly thoughts.

the drywall of my life crumbled, but the 2x4s stand yet. plaster patches are not prettily constructed but they shall suffice to paint over.
I am currently Brooding
I am listening to ride against the wind

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my muse has deserted me
03/05/2004 02:55 a.m.
not sure what i did to offend her.

bleh. usually i write from a clearly focused emotional perspective. my emotions are so jumbled at the moment i can't find a perspective to write from. or don't know how. most of what i've written was focused on stuff i went through as a kid. now that i let go of that i feel like i'm drifting, without a viewpoint to latch on to. i'm not deliriously happy, i'm not seriously depressed...i'm just blah.

unstable. so focused in the now that i can see neither past nor present. frustration is bubbling up inside, bottled and corked; i need the explosion and maybe i'll be able to see clearly afterwards. there's nothing to be angry about but it's as if i'm so used to having anger stuffed that i can't function without it. or at least can't write without it.
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to lotr-requiem

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stat check and other miscellaneous comments
01/10/2004 08:30 p.m.
Date you signed up: 03/11/2003

People who have you on their friends list: 21

Your poems on file: 28
Comments on your poetry: 142
Times your poetry has been read: 1,291
Poems on your favorites list: 11
Your poems on other's favorites lists: 1

Total poem comments made 81
Private messages sent 595
Private messages received 569

....
wow. i'm surprised, especially since i'm haven't been particularly active. have no idea who the ppl are who have me on friends list either. go figure. nice little ego boost tho.

poem/comment ratio could be up a little higher tho, i'm not quite averaging three per poem and i should try to make four per each new entry. ah well, i'll work on it. 1.2k reads considering how active i am is still fairly good in my opinion.

one writing did finally make somebody's fav list! woooooha! now i wonder who it was and which poem, LOL!

all in all, i'm fairly happy with my stats. that'll last until i compare them with somebody else's. so maybe i just won't do that. sounds like a workable plan to me.
....
in current events:
pipes in bathroom leaked again. had to crawl under trailer to turn off all the water to stop it. monday i lost hot water, but nothing seems to be broken that i've been able to find.

found out i somehow paid an extra month on rent so i'm ahead there. get an extra paycheck this month which should cover auto insurance. all in all, while my finances still suck they ARE starting to improve finally.

roomie got his id, now for the job part of it. he's still miffed cuz he has to wait to get the actual card through the mail. evidently in oregon they get them immediately. *insert rolling of eyes here* everybody's a critic.

work - work sucks. have had to complain about ppl not doing their jobs on my shift. which the drc said basicly (but nicely) that since i'm a mt, i (and other mts) need to confront them on it at the time because we don't have an official manager. which is difficult when the problem people are older than the mts. even though most of us have more seniority, the older ones have the mindset that because we're younger we don't know what we're talking about. some of them when you say something to them, it's like it goes right over their head and they aren't comprehending what you're saying. is hard for me too because i only mt once a week, so i'm busy trying to remember how to do the job and i have to double and triple check the details in case there's a med change which leads to me not having enough time to go behind the problem workers to check their work. why can't people just do their jobs? urgh.

last night i found a plagiarist at another writing site. All Summer in a Day by Ray Bradbury was badly rewritten for an insite contest. she had a few interesting angles in it but condensing the plot into your own words, changing the number of years and dropping the t off the end of the main char's name does not an original story make. turned it in to the moderator and her account was deleted today when i logged back in. she used the excuse that 'a friend' had dropped her 'a hint' but there were way too many similarities for that excuse to hold water. i don't know whether to count that as a good or a bad deed for the day. plagiarists suck. how do they expect to get away with using a well known author's work and passing it off as their own? especially one as memorable as that? erk.

and that's all folks.
I am currently Brooding
I am listening to roomie yakking

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ergh
12/23/2003 06:14 a.m.
read a journal entry today. brought up alot of the uneasiness i had about joining path in the first place.

never knew what went on. never wanted to. still don't. the actual he said/she said b.s. happened shortly before i joined. a friend of mine had just joined path before it blew up and had been trying to talk me into joining. then she deleted her library in protest while i was still making up my mind about whether i wanted to put my things on display to the general public.

she hasn't come back, i doubt she will. left too strong a negative taste in her mouth. i joined morally bankrupt, an lj community started up by the people who left path. reading back, there was alot of bitterness towards this site but it eventually calmed and people got back to the important part - sharing poetry. i didn't know anyone however and didn't really fit there. ended up submitting my ap here anyways, although i had many misgivings.

well, i haven't been kicked out. but then, i've mostly ignored the forums too. still, the misgivings remain. i don't really fit here either. yes, i write poetry - mediocrely. i'm not chatty enough to make a good conversationalist in ims unless i'm on a sugar high. have helped a few people improve their poems and there have been a few suggestions that have helped me improve mine which is good, but i'm neither well known or well liked. if i were deleted, i wouldn't be missed. and i'm loathe to put the work i'd like to do into prettifying my poetry with pix when i could be tossed out without a yea or nay.

paranoid? yeah. it's not like i walk the edge of the rules. i'm not rude and i don't post rudely. usually avoid debates like a plague. i don't (usually) swear and i'm glad they put the rule in about leaving it out of titles and forums. so why do i still feel paranoid?

having my pic deleted without notice didn't help. i don't think the rules said anything about it having to be a visible face when i posted it, but i could have misread. it's been a long time and i have a memory like a sieve. anyways, that was a perfectly excellent portrait of me and said more about who i am than any (visible) close up could have. yes, i was proud of it. i took that pic myself using the self timer on my digicam and it's still the best portrayal of who i am both inside and out that i've seen or done. no, there's no face visible, it's all about shadows...but that IS who i am. but yeah, i'm getting into a rant on the topic and that wasn't what this was about...

the point is that i logged into my email to find an abrupt dismissal of it. yanked down without even giving me a chance to fix it myself. now i could have made an issue out of it, but why bother? whether or not i had misread to start with, obviously it WAS an issue now. wasn't going to win it back by arguing over it.

but that's it in a nutshell. whether it's a picture, a poem, or my presence here...if it comes to somebody taking issue with it i'm not going to win. i'm not going to be missed and few will even remember my writings. bloody paranoia...but then again, just because a person is paranoid doesn't mean somebody isn't out to get them.

i dunno...i do like path. i've been here a while now and the positive feedback has helped my confidence in my writing quite a bit. but at the same time, i still have that uncomfortable feeling that i'm edging along an invisible cliff.

but then again, the worst that can happen is that i'll fall. which just means i'll end up going back to building my own webpages again. which would probably be more useful to me in the long run anyways.

heh, i feel much better now.
I am currently Alienated
I am listening to adam

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a bandersnatch snatched my mind
12/11/2003 05:51 p.m.
this came of random word association while i was half asleep the same night i wrote caffeine spree induced glee. not good enough for posting in my poetry yet, but i lost the revisions when somebody froze my puter. ergh. i dunno why i was obsessed with bandersnatches that night either, i haven't read about the jabberwocky in a long, long time. guess it just sounded good that eve.

in the pain of the holes
where the ugliness goes
and the teeth of the bandersnatch
wiggle and grow
and the strange and the change
and deranged ones will slow
with the passing of winter
and death of the snow
in the melt of the wood
where the fire once stood
in the green of the grass
of the lost mountain pass
where the rocks tumbled down
and they cratered the ground
where the failed one cried
with the last of her brood
then she took to the sky
and she left them behind
to the bandersnatch watching
from beneath never's mind
in the pain of their death
and the wind's flailing cries
came the music to break
the world's very last chime
and it shattered in pieces
across the sky's door
and the blood streaked the sky
from east to west shore
in the pain, in the silence
shriekings ignored
by the people who passed
through the tunnel no more
in the crashing collapse
in the howling debris
in the pain and the terror
nobody could see
as the silence imploded
into the hole
that ate up a sock
choking adrian's mole
as it dug itself deep
underneath the salt sea
and the water that burned
froze in the night
where the bandersnatch howled
as ghosts tear and bite
at the flesh that once
caged it in mortal death throes
but it slows
as it goes
in the pain
un sane
silence
silence
calls
silence
f
a
l
l
s

sometimes i weird myself out. who is adrian anyways and why'd she let her mole loose? although i do have to say i'm partial to the bit about the chime. revise revise revise and maybe one day it'll make sense.
I am currently Puzzled
I am listening to tim_lotr_requiem.mp3

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pointy nose and other trivialities
09/02/2003 01:52 a.m.
even though compound eyes can steer a moth a flame's way...
- oculum: daniel rollings

yeah, i loved that. sometimes it's an advantage to see problems from a hundred different directions. sometimes...it's not. lol.

in twenty eight years of living i never realized i had a pointy nose. it's small, but definately pointy. was looking at a profile pic half an hour ago and suddenly realized yes, it was a pointy nose. that's not a bad thing, overall, i'd be highly annoyed if i didn't have a pointy nose, it suits my face. but twenty eight years is a long time to not notice what sort nose you have. observation is obviously not my strong suit. so...i'm highly amused right now.

to people who've commented on my writings: i'll get back to yours eventually. haven't been around much, haven't written much. been sidetracked by irl. i'll catch up eventually. am thinking about putting a couple pix with some of the writings but can't make up my mind about it.


I am currently Bemused
I am listening to bring me to life - evanescence

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home again
06/03/2003 04:31 a.m.
did a fair amount of stuff while we were gone, should sit and write it out. not yet tho, too much other stuff to do today.

one of the highlights was visiting house on the rock. if you can go there, i highly recommend you do, it was awesome. the actual living area gave me definate ideas for the house i'd love to construct for myself. cave-like with meandering paths through the rock walls, little nooks and crannies wherever you turned, japanese style gardens both inside and out complete with running water...it was fascinating.

we also went to see the cave of the mounds, which also was quite interesting. but if i get into that, i really won't get anything done today, lol.

got to ma's at 4:30ish am. don't know if it's entirely a personality thing or just regular mother/daughter stuff but it seems every time i'm over there she irritates me to no end. stayed up a while checking email and such before i collapsed on the couch there, two hours later she's yelling in my ear to get up. took a shower, during which she's pounding on the door for me to get out because she (who was up at least a good hour earlier than i was) didn't take hers. then she sends my sister off with her vehicle and says words to the effect of: don't leave until i'm ready. was half hour late for church.

she left her purse in my car. all i wanted to do was get home and catch up on sleep, went home. discovered i couldn't find my house keys...yet again. had to go to the bathroom bad. finally just said screw it, stuffed the bags i had pulled out during my hunt in front of the front door and left back for ma's to find out if sister had them in her stuff. got there, nobody home. they went back to my place to get ma's purse but of course, i wasn't there. turned out sister stuffed the keys in my ashtray which was the one place i never even thought to look since while i knew i had one somewhere in the abstract, i had no practical use for, thus never really realized i had one. not a smoker.

then, before i can make my escape, ma just happens to mention that she has another graphics project she'd like me to do. YAAAAAARGH! one due weds. and i work every day 'til thurs. she was rather desperate to get my cooperation, even offered to pay me. which i should've taken from a financial standpoint, but since she sent most of the money that got sister and i through wisconsin taking it would've irked me. on the positive side, she had it slightly more organized than she usually does. on the negative side, that meant she only had about half of it figured out. thus it was another twelve hours before i did finally get home.

did call jon and talk to him. that was good. missed talking to him something fierce while i was gone.

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back, sort of
06/01/2003 09:39 a.m.
at ma's now, just got in. need sleep. maybe write some about trip later. alot of going in circles, lol. was great.

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