another head desk moment of the familial variety
12/14/2010 01:11 p.m.
renters moved out of the house referenced several entries back. now, yes, i should know better than to get involved with one of my mother's projects again given how the last one turned out but rent is due and we needed the $200 she offered us to help clean it.

it's been fairly uneventful, aside from her complaining that it's taking so long to get done. she offered the job on saturday and my husband and i stayed the night so we could get started on it sunday. she offered to bring my younger sibs over to help because the tenants trashed the outside property so they could clean that and then help inside. didn't happen. my brother showed up and we ended up hanging out, waiting for her to get her act together, which didn't happen.

my husband had college on monday and i started my first full day of a head cold. so nothing got done. but i didn't feel bad about this because i told her saturday that if we didn't get over there sunday, he wasn't going to be able to help d/t internship/school until friday.

on tuesday, i went up and cleaned by myself while husband interned. got one room done. kid left tape stuck to the walls, along with dried boogers. fun.

wednesday, my great-aunt was up to visit. got a photo re-colored for her after husband dropped me off before going to college for the day. nothing done on the house because my sister showed up around the time g-a was leaving and i ended up helping her move into her new house. my husband also showed up to help around 9p, he got out early since it was finals week and we didn't get home 'til midnight.

thursday, stayed home and slept most of the day while husband did internship and then college. head cold was kicking my butt, for obvious reasons.

friday, friend woke us up at 6am. she called to tell us she was waiting for the paramedics and could we please go pick up her co-worker staying at a hotel a couple blocks from here and drop her off? after which i ended up waiting for her at the hospital (just a bad fall, nothing broken but a lot of pain) and driving her around town. took her up to my mother's for an alternative health therapy session, husband and i cleaned master bedroom while waiting. ex-renter guy was mechanic, greasy handprints all over white walls. *head desk*

friend was supposed to visit fam two hours drive away for the weekend but couldn't drive d/t pain meds and co-worker who was supposed to go with her originally backed out at the last minute so we ended up driving her (in her car.) up side, we got the paving stones needed to raise our deck over the standing water in front of our door on the way back. down side, another day the rental wasn't worked on.

we owe this friend $200 worth of work for helping us buy a car, so she had priority - particularly since i had asked my parents for a one month loan for the same reason and they, being in a snit because i reminded them of their poor parenting skills a month prior, refused. (yes, i knew better than to ask but i let my brother talk me into it against my own better judgment.) after which, my mother went around telling my sibs i tried to get them to gift me the money instead of just borrowing it for a month til my husband's school loans came in. worked out better for us since our friend prefers we work it off doing odd jobs. all the same, there was some humor to be had since she went complaining to the same brother who talked me into asking them in the first place and he knew she was feeding him a line of b.s.

husband had internship again saturday. i went up to clean alone. around 3p, ma finally made it over with the three adopted sibs - as she said she was going to do a week prior. while this is helpful for getting some things done, it was not necessarily a good thing. this is an empty, echo-y house and she is ordering these three kids around in the tone and manner of an irate drill sergeant. 3-2-1: headache.

i am not thinking charitable thoughts at this point. one of her least endearing habits remembered from when i had to live with her was her entitled unreasonableness when it came to pulling me off of whatever job i was in the middle of to do whatever job she randomly felt needed doing at the exact minute she yelled, regardless of whether or not she could or should do it herself. god forbid the first job wasn't done the next time she looked in that direction. the only thing i dislike more than listening to ppl being yelled at is being yelled at myself...and there's not much leeway between the two.

therefore, i am not of particularly cheerful mind when she starts complaining we're taking too long to get the house clean. A: if she had gotten her crap together the previous sunday, more would be done now. B: we told her flat out that we wouldn't be able to do anything until friday earliest d/t my husband's college/internship schedule, which was why i did try to get it started the previous sunday.

while i am not surprised at her next line of complaint, i am not particularly amused either. 'we're paying you $200 to clean this house, i shouldn't have to bring the kids over here to do it.' right, i didn't ask her to bring them, she told me she was bringing them because she wanted them to clean up the outside and specifically stated they would help with the interior since the previous tenants left without emptying fridge or cupboards.

then she turned around and asked me if she should've paid me more money since the job was so big. i do not know what the going rates are for a job that size. she offered $200 and we needed it so i took it at that. had my husband been able to help, we could've had it done in 2-3 days. it wasn't so much trashed as just very dirty, as only a house where small kids have lived for over a year can get. (the white walls in the master bedroom and white trim through the whole house weren't helpful either.) and a mechanic - he was as bad as the kids. there's greasy hand prints all over the divider between kitchen and living room, on a flat paint too. too big for kids and no way the kids could reach that high anyway.

anyway, i "reminded" her we'd already agreed to $200. no need to give her more to complain about than she already was. fortunately, i was looking at the wrong clock and left an hour earlier than i actually had to, thinking it was time to pick hubby up at his internship. roads were getting bad so we stayed the night with my brother.

was supposed to go up there again sunday but we had church, then had to shovel our drive before it froze followed by my brother stopping in to visit. by the time he left we ended up crashing out.

which brings us to yesterday's head desk moment. went back up there yet again. things were going well since it was the two of us. then she shows up and unleashes the munchkins on us and we have an irate drill sergeant repeat. she yells at the youngest to do something outside, then after she's dressed but before she makes it out the door, she yells at her to clean out the microwave.

kid logically points out she was already doing something only to get yelled at further to clean the microwave. so she takes off her winter duds, goes over to the cupboard where the microwave is hanging and puts a bowl of water in for a minute, just like ma told her to in order to soften the dried food. as she takes it out, i turn around and do a double take - it was a metal bowl.

my mother does not keep a microwave at home because she believes it kills the nutritional value of food. ergo, there is no reason for any of those kids to know you can't put metal in a microwave.

logic does not stop my mother from haranguing the poor kid up one side and down the other and calling her stupid several times in the process. personally, it is my opinion there was at least one stupid person there and it was not my adopted sister.

(yes, i am aware argument can be made for me being one of the stupid ones, since i know my mother is like this and yet i still agreed to clean for her. all the same...)






I am currently Jaded

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Forgiveness
08/24/2010 11:14 p.m.
Forgiveness isn't about the other person.
It's about you.

I can't stop you from holding the anger, bitterness, hatred, and pain close
- a beloved security blanket allowing you to avoid seeing your own issues -
much as I'd love to see you happy.

We all get hurt by others.
You aren't the only one with sucky parents who used you as a whipping post.
You aren't the only one who's been cheated on, lied to, used and abused.
That doesn't give you an excuse to cheat, lie, use and abuse those close to you.

So why do you turn around and repeat those hurtful behaviors?
Because you can't forgive and not forgiving lets you blame everyone around you for your problems.
You get to stay miserable, you get to play the role of martyr to the hilt,
but mostly, you get to pretend we're the ones with the problem
instead of taking responsibility for your own choices and lack of foresight.

It's pretty obvious that when you're holding the faults of everyone else around you close
you'll be holding my faults that close as well.
When you talk about wanting those who hurt and anger you dead
I know you'll be talking that way about me eventually.

Perfection has never been my strong suit
any more than telling people what they want to hear has been.
I'm not a yes man and I don't want yes men around me,
I need people who love me enough to give me reasons why I'm wrong,
people who can be trusted because they'll state hard truths that will make me re-think my actions.
Because you need yes men, you cannot understand what I tried to gift you with.
Because you can only tolerate your opinions mirrored, you only mirror mine.
How can I trust you, knowing this?

I have a good idea of why you are the way you are.
I love you.
I forgive you.

But I can't have your razor sharp hatred in my life any more.
You don't care who you cut and you've already cut everybody who loves you to bloody ribbons.
When we try to tell you this, you ignore us and scream about us trying to live your life.
No - we're telling you that what you are doing is going to lead to consequences that will hurt you.
Consequences like us having to leave you behind. After all,
walking on eggshells is not a skill one should constantly have to exercise around a true friend.

I need closeness. I deserve love. I won't sabotage my other relationships to make you happy.
Nor will I allow you to sabotage them supposedly defending me.
You feed on anger and hatred, you can only relate to us from your level and
they follow you the way slime follows a slug.
I'm sorry you can't understand why this is wrong but I can't allow you to coat me with it
if I want my relationships to succeed and not fail exactly the way all yours have and are.

Too much time with you and my edges sharpen as well.
Your disrespect for others, especially men, is contagious.

Forgiveness is not for the person you're forgiving.
It's required to keep yourself from becoming someone those who love you cannot trust or respect...
someone they can't feel safe around.
Forgiveness does NOT mean I'm required to stay and let you keep hurting me over and over again.
I still love you but as long as you can't forgive,
my feelings will never matter.
I am currently Brooding

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hrm hrm hrm
01/29/2010 12:09 p.m.
it would appear i've been extremely lax in revising my works on this site. i should probably update a few things since re-reading the older versions results in some painful wincing.

on an unrelated note, have you ever reached a state where you were happy? not uber everything is always great and walk around with an idiot smile all day every day type happy, just happy as in there's a rose-tinted layer to your overall emotional makeup most of the time that never goes away. ppl who grew up in "happy" homes probably don't even realize that layer exists...

the problem being in my particular case, the problems don't go away just cuz i'm happy. and sometimes i'm not so sure how to go about with adjusting those issues without undermining/sabotaging/destroying that layer of happiness. thing is, i'm pretty sure that if i don't find an effective way of confronting issues, that layer is going to wear thin.

there are just some things that need to be faced anyway. how to go about it in a constructive fashion is something else again.
I am currently Reflective

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mermaid bits for ftr ref
10/04/2008 06:53 a.m.
And far beneath the whipping waves,
Beneath the roiling water
His anger and his blame crashed down
Upon his eldest daughter



someday I AM going to tell the oldest sister's view point. seriously, seven sisters, youngest favorite, mother dead, and there was no jealousy? even i'm not fool enough to believe that. or maybe being eldest of six in a dysfunctional fam just gives me a little more insight into the situation...

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going vagrant for the spring/summer
04/11/2008 01:26 a.m.
looks like we're camping out for the foreseeable future. will put our stuff in storage. getting rather tired of moving, this'll be the third time in under a year. hazards of going overboard to help friends.

just don't see the point in renting another place when i'm gone (or rather, going to be) on the road half the month anyway. we can either pay another friend who's hurting for money to put up a tent on the back of her six acres or pay to stay at a campground. either way will be cheaper than monthly rent plus utilities. $925 for a seasonal pass at one of the county parks where hot showers are available (april's end through mid-oct), $12 a day at a local state park w/out showers, $425 a month at local campgrounds with hot showers.

renting from friend does have the slight advantage in that i'll be able to bring our cat with us. not so sure of the others' toleration of pets. shadow (aka monkey) is good about being on a lead so i'm not worried about him running off. he is, however, a rather vocal little monster and that could be an issue when the summer rush hits. either way, i'm going to have to do some serious wrapping using every blanket and sheet we own on the air mattress to keep it from springing a series of inconvenient claw holes. getting rid of him is NOT an option, you don't dump family out of personal convenience or misfortune- whether human or animal. besides which, my husband needs somebody to keep him company while i'm out on the road. have a feeling he's going to take to our change of state better than us humans anyway, heh. i'm already envying his fur coat.

solar panels charging a 12v capable battery run $100ish around here, which means we'd still have internet access if we invest in a laptop since i have internet via my cell phone. not as good as broadband, but serviceable. which also means on particularly bad days we may be able to run a small electric heater too. but i'm thinking that if we do end up on friend's property, i'm going to want a slightly bigger tent than the one we currently own. will also have to add additional waterproofing too. few things are more uncomfortable than a leaky tent in a rainstorm.
I am currently Brooding

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email fwd re: illegal immigration
03/02/2008 07:38 p.m.
if you don't claim to be a christian, this does not apply.


While I do not support illegal immigration, it seems that a great many people are forgetting what's really important.

regarding: oh noz! ebil spix crozzin r brdr, steelinz r jobz!

Mt 5:28-32 Also, on the matter of clothing, why are you anxious? Take a lesson from the lilies of the field, how they are growing; they do not toil, nor do they spin; but I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory was arrayed as one of these. If, now, God thus clothes the vegetation of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much rather clothe you, you with little faith? So never be anxious and say, 'What are we to eat? or, 'What are we to drink?' or, 'What are we to put on?' For all these are the things the nations are eagerly pursuing. For your heavenly Father knows you need all these things.

A truly Christian person doesn't need to worry about their job being "stolen" in the first place. God has already promised to take care of you. Not that it's a promise you'll never be jobless; however, you'll never lack for the necessities if you trust him. From my own personal experience, the ones worrying about their jobs being stolen are really more worried about losing the things that job bought them...their standard of living. Most could do with a healthy reality check in that dept anyway. Luke 10:7 points out the worker deserves his wages - if you're doing God's will he won't forget you regardless of how many illegal immigrants flood the job market.


regarding: oh noz! dirty spix in r countree, not speekinz r anglish!

Zeph 3:9 For then I shall give to peoples the change to a pure language, in order for them all to call upon the name of Jehovah, in order to serve him shoulder to shoulder.

That was a prophecy given to Zephaniah back in the ye olde times that has yet to be fulfilled. Whether it's going to be an actual language change or a metaphor for an entire lifestyle revamp isn't really important. Because whichever it is, God expects us to learn new thought patterns eventually. Are you going to tell him that it's too much work and that since you're an American he needs to use American English (or that way of life) instead of what he has planned? I think not.

So why not get a head start and learn a second language now? You're the Christian, you're supposed to be showing love to your fellow man. Nothing says love like going out of your way to learn a new language just so you can communicate with him. Added benefit - it's been proven learning a new language increases IQ. So you can better yourself at the same time and improve your job marketability. Much more productive use of time than sending out propagandized hate messages.


regarding: oh noz! theyz in r countree, makin r citiez in2 slumz!

Mt 5:43-47 "You heard that it was said, 'You must love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' However, I say to you: Continue to love your enemies and to pray for those persecuting you; that you may prove yourselves sons of your Father who is in the heavens, since he makes his sun rise upon wicked people and good and makes it rain upon righteous people and unrighteous. For if you love those loving you, what reward do you have? Are not also the tax collectors doing the same thing? And if you greet your brothers only, what extraordinary thing are you doing? Are not also the people of the nations doing the same thing?"

If God isn't too high and mighty to take the sun and rain away from people who aren't following his commands, what makes you too good to share your neighborhood with illegal immigrants? If you want to teach them to live better and follow the law, be an example yourself. Be a friend. The people who influenced you to change your life for the better were people who CARED about you and set their own example for you. So pass it on. They may be here illegally but that doesn't make them lesser people.


The only person with enough power to make a real change to the world, to fix the issues that are bringing illegals to the U.S. in droves is God. So trust in him, pray to him and do your part to kill the devil-inspired hate messages circulating on the net and in reality. Because, as Peter said, “For a certainty I perceive that God is not partial, but in every nation the man (which would include illegal immigrants) that fears him and works righteousness is acceptable to him." Acts 10:34,35 If you don't set a Christian example, how will they learn to treat people in a way acceptable to God?

If you're sure you aren't above God, then it's time to start acting like a real Christian. Hit delete.

...

i hate those bloody patriotic fwds. every time there's an economic down turn somewhere people just have to get on the band wagon to tar a scapegoat class. everybody wants to turn them into demonic monsters with horns. *shaking head* they're people. with problems similar to people everywhere. when i read crap like that i get a deja vu feeling harkening back to the research i've done on nazi germany. stomp them seeds when they're small, before they flower into things like concentration camps.

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potd? ... potd!
12/03/2007 08:22 p.m.
wow. that was totally unexpected. esp beings as it's been around a year or three now. it was a fun write though.

many thanks to the nebulous someone(s) who voted for it and thanks to everyone who reads it.

first good news we've had today. still stuck in texas and probably will be another night since they don't know if the truck part will be here in time. reminds me of an early michigan spring here right now, never mind the lack of tall trees.
I am currently Dumbfounded

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plagiarism at its best
07/20/2007 10:26 a.m.
there are some extremely sick, twisted freaks in the world.

i was on my way to pennsylvania (learning a new job, truck driving, and haven't been home in a week and a half) when my husband came online. he was doing a search to find the online obit for our son...not sure why he needed to now that i think of it but i should ask. anyway, some ... person ... copied his livejournal entry from the day cerrik died. they have no other posts, no explanation, didn't even change cerrik's name. they did substitute one word. other than that, it's identical.

wth? to add insult to injury they posted it on my birthday which was two days after his due date. not that i celebrate my birthday or that they'd even know, but still. what sort of moron would plagiarize somebody's grief? yeah, i probably don't really want the answer to that one.

I am currently Pissed Off

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dysfunctionalism at its finest
06/18/2007 06:56 p.m.
my mother sucks. there are not descriptive enough words in the english language to describe how much.

i went over to paint the house they're fixing up. she's been complaining she doesn't have the energy for it because she's having health problems. i enjoy painting, not a problem. but it's only common sense not to antagonize the free help, one would think.

now this house - first it was an investment property. fine. then a couple of my brothers were interested in it. good. then it was to put my grandma in and maybe the elderly lady my mother occasionally drives around. great. now it's supposed to be for me, nevermind whether i can afford it or no. nevermind whether i even want to live that fardling close to them. while i love the property and the house, there are too many other strings i know will come attached with it.

if i had a loving mother i might want to be that close to them. on the other hand, when, in the same conversation in which she's talking about what she wants to do with this house, she accuses my husband of "turning" me "into a prostitute" there is a large and severe problem.

it's absolutely hilarious. however, i do have this thought that people shouldn't be calling somebody they supposedly love a whore. bad enough if it is true, but when it's so false a blind man can see it glaring out there is a rather large, ugly issue lying underneath.

nor did it endear her any further when she asked if i really loved him. when i said yes, she replied, "oh. i thought it was a marriage of convenience. it was convenient for his father to get rid of him."

nor was her suggestion i check the symptoms for schizophrenia out well received. i have a few psychological issues, yes. i saw a therapist for six months because my doctor thought i might have ocd. therapist nixed that, said it was d/t living with physical/mental abuse for most of my life. yet ma insists they were "good parents. not great, but there's a lot of parents out there much worse than we were." while that may sadly enough be true, good is an extremely subjective term.

now my brother claims i need to forgive and forget. then again, he also says they were good parents because we survived and survival is all that really counts. forgiveness isn't an issue. forgetting is a little harder to do when she has a nerve to sit there and call me a prostitute. stupid remarks of that nature, particularly when said calmly and not in the heat of an argument, are the reason i avoid her as much as possible.

it was rather amusing. i didn't even get angry about it at the time. i just looked at her and said, "well, that says a lot about how you think." she did apologize later, long enough later that i had no idea what she was apologizing for. she said that wasn't the word she meant and used her health problems as an excuse, citing fuzzy mental abilities that day. i'm not buying it. an insult as emotionally charged as that is not something one says accidentally. nor are apologies get out of jail free cards.

although i did get a little peeved later. as my husband pointed out, she was in effect calling our dead son a bastard whore-get. i doubt she stopped to think about that either.

right now i'm inclined to think family should be defined as people you love to hate.
I am currently Detached

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family ties
04/09/2006 05:31 p.m.

Once upon a time there was a little girl who thought her aunt was the bestest best thing in the whole enire world. All of this little girl's best memories involved her aunt - three layers of thick socks so the little girl could fit ice skates ten sizes too big to go skate the frozen over crick, playing hide and seek with her aunt's horse (not to mention learning to ride on that same horse with her aunt's help), teepees built of dead branches and leaves, climbing trees and eating wild grapes and pin cherries, forts built in haymows - there was always something fun and interesting.

Home wasn't nearly so fun. At home there was a stout bar broken off of a (her?) baby crib for when she and/or her brother(s) were bad. Friday nights were full of her mother yelling at her dad about 'drunk'. Home was about hiding and being 'good' and learning to stay unnoticed. Understandably, she used to beg her parents to let her stay with her aunt. Sometimes they did and she was happy, sometimes they didn't and she cried. Her aunt was the only person she loved with all her heart and no reservations.

Everything changes eventually.

Her aunt grew up. Firm avowals of never getting married turned to discussions about weddings and she told the little girl that she would be her flower girl. The little girl still begged to go to grandma's but her mother didn't let her go as often as she used to and her aunt was out on dates with boys more often than not. The last day she waited, her aunt came home around 11pm after going to the movies to see the Creature from the Black Lagoon. The little girl was still faithfully waiting up. Her aunt said, "oh, I would've come home earlier if I had known you were here," gave her a hug, then the little girl went to bed and had to go home the next morning. The little girl was sad but she never said anything because there was nobody to say anything to.

Then her aunt got married. She was beautiful in a white gown with a lacy wide brimmed sun hat atop her golden hair. When her mother took her into the bathroom where everyone else was completing last minute touches on their outfits for a picture of her with her aunt, the little girl smiled nicely. She kept smiling nicely the whole time she was in the bathroom. She couldn't help a few tears that leaked out during the ceremony as she sat with the rest of her family in the seating reserved for them but that was okay since nobody pays attention to little girls at weddings, everyone is watching the bride and her bridesmaids...and the flower girl who wasn't her. Nobody told her why her aunt had broken her promise. She never said anything to her aunt. She certainly never said anything to her mother. She went out into the park at the reception area and found a place where she cried until she couldn't cry any more, then stayed outside until nobody noticed. Not that they would have anyway.

After the wedding, her aunt took her once to the house they were renting, it wasn't far from her old home. Then they moved 20 miles away and rarely came around. Her aunt got pregnant and eventually had six kids of her own. Two or three times she came and asked the now not-so-little girl to babysit. She did. While she babysat she cleaned things up. Her aunt paid her in money, which the girl accepted although it was not what she had ever wanted. If she had a way, the girl would've come babysit and cleaned for free every day just to be around her aunt.

But her aunt wasn't who she used to be. Now when the girl saw her (primarily at weddings and funerals), she was full of stories about who done her wrong and who she was currently feuding with. The only thing she ever wanted to know about the girl was whether she had a boyfriend yet. Her stories were funny, she had a natural talent for tale telling but the conversations were always about her and she never left the girl an opening to tell her anything important. She could've taught a sailor a thing or two about swearing and most of her words were ugly and hurtful. Silences that should've stayed empty were filled with jagged words.

Her husband insisted she be called by her christian name because nicknames were disrespectful. This was hard for the girl at first but after so many times of leaving the building to mourn the disappearance of the aunt she had loved, the girl decided her aunt's proper name better fit the contentious, contankerous person she had become. It became much easier to use her 'real' name when she thought of her dearly beloved aunt as being dead.

The majority of her kids grew up to be white trash. One accepted a scholarship for thousands of dollars, spent it and didn't attend the college. Neither of the eldest sons have been married but they have several children between them by different mothers. After my mother spoke the truth regarding one of their sisters, one called up and left a message on the answering machine that started out with "Hey, you Iraqis!" and continued with a great many uncomplimentary things said with a great deal of swearing punctuating it. The girls came to my sister's grad party dressed like sluts with their boobs nearly hanging out of their shirts and also swear like sailors. They all drink like fish and have thrown parties where alcohol flowed freely to minors (some of whom were their own younger sibs).

Once upon a time, i wished my aunt had been my mother. Now i can only be glad she wasn't and mourn the death of (an imaginary?) someone i once loved.


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