...is it dictated or chosen?
07/09/2002 08:40 a.m.
i am so overjoyed and dreamy and serious and happy and it's because my ryan came home from the summer music camp there. he only got a few days, but 2 days out of 3.5 we got up really really early, like 5.30. i miss my ryan so much...
I am currently Loved
I am listening to silence but for a squeaking fan.

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too many questions
07/05/2002 06:06 a.m.
too many things are up in the air right now. too many far-aways and maybe-ifs and if-thens. i hate that state of being. it is so repulsive and frustrating. goddammit. and i overstress and lay my stress down on other people who don't deserve it and could be spending their time and expending their energies in far better ways. but i am far away from people i love, and add this nonsense about loans and title transfers into the mix, and it totally throws me off.
I am currently Detached
I am listening to silence but for a squeaking fan.

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black cherry sky?!?!?
07/01/2002 06:16 p.m.
I were but little happy if I could say how much....
but I'm still gonna try. Ha. I miss my friend. But I saw him last night, saw him sing, and sat with him and some other friends on a bench outside in the beautiful night. It was too amazing for words. I miss him more than....than I really think I ought to. But I do, anyhow. And 4 weeks, 4 weeks 'til he's home for good. Then a year until I go away for good....but we still have that year. It is amazing. And I will sing through it, and he will sing with me and everything will be too good to express to anyone else but he will understand because he is one of those rare people who is on my side of the glass.
I am currently Happy
I am listening to Ben Folds - "Boxing"

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um?
06/24/2002 08:43 a.m.
wow where is my mind? block. stupid block. fuckin stupid block. i can't get over it and the hatred for the words that come out of my pen make me nauseous and HOW DO I GET AROUND THAT???? answer me that one, eh?
I am currently Scattered

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wow.
06/23/2002 10:46 p.m.
These amazing people I know....how did I find them, and why do they stay with me? How did I get so lucky? My best friend is a genius(musical and intellectual) and a wonderful human being. My boyfriend is hilarious and smart and we think the same things. My best girl is amazing, talented, and beautiful. My boss is a miracle. My director is such a full person....Everything is like magic.
And my job! I love it.
And my Eric loves me. My genius. And my boyfriend is in love with me. And my girl helps me. And everything works. Me and the universe, man....we're moving to the same beat.
I am currently Happy
I am listening to Tori Amos

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Romantic
06/21/2002 07:17 a.m.
Romantic, ironically, is the perfect word with which to describe my mood lately. In my own mind, anyhow. Not in the wistful, wishy-washy sense. Just...nice. I don't know. The only good enough word is romantic.
Why? Hm...
it's summer and I'm working a lovely job which I adore with a great friend of mine who is like an older sister to me. My wonderful boy helps a bit with my mood. I've been listening to a lot of good music that inspires me and makes me happy. I've rediscovered the fact that I, too, can have a life. And (I think this is the most important factor) I've been driving alone on I-40 late in the night(say 2 am), a lot. It's deserted and beautiful.
It really gets me that my Ryan is far away from me...across town from where I work, but in classes all day and sleeping there at night, when I'm back home(I'm a silly commuter this summer; he's at a summer session.)
Okay, enough about him. The fabulous thing is, I'm discovering how happy I can be in and of myself, independent of him. How wonderful is that? That's the usual thing, I know, but it's an astounding leap for me, as I suppose you could call me co-dependent.
I feel good. Now I'm off to go read more of "The Princess Bride" before I have to go to sleep, only to wake up in 6 hrs. Yes? Ciao.
I am currently Romantic
I am listening to the peaceful sounds of silence. before that, rosebud.

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...............
04/10/2002 02:42 a.m.
god i feel so terrible. my heart has fallen to the floor and i know it's still there because it's attached by a string to my insides but it's being kicked around the floor and i can't get to it and it's tugging at me in the most painful way you can imagine. fuck fuck fuck.
I am currently Helpless
I am listening to Cabaret

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Oh my.
04/06/2002 06:23 p.m.
I know that if I go jogging, I won't feel so lazy. But I feel so lazy that I don't want to go jogging. I should really go jogging. Damn.
I am currently Lazy
I am listening to my computer humming,

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crazy life episode
01/27/2002 09:26 a.m.
my trip was fantastic! i lost my voice the day i left and it stayed away for the duration, but lovely thatcher fed me good food and gave me lots of yummy tea, and was very good to me in general. i had a really lovely time.
now that i am home and having to go to school and work again i think i just may go crazy. but i applied for a new job at a wonderful place and i am really hoping i get it. hours better, nicer atmosphere, etc.
oh, my world is so mixed up, and i am so ambiguous about my feelings im ny own head. the only real thing i have to be happy about is the job application and the hope of getting out of my slave-labor job at pepper's...my friend that i work with tried to kill himself last night, and his girlfriend, another friend of mine, told me about it today at work. the episode was set off my a fight he got in with the floor manager yesterday(a serious screaming match in which the floor manager brandished a peel{huge metal pizza tool]). my friend, m, really wants to leave pepper's because he gets so much shit working there...i want to leave too, and so does his girlfriend...so he went home, and slit his wrists. h, his girlfriend, found him. h tried to call 911, but m wouldn't let her because he can't afford to go to a hospital. so m had to come in to work today and the kitchen manager bitched at him constantly and i just wanted to do SOMETHING, but i couldn't. i know the manager wouldn't have yelled at m if he knew about the night before, but m didn't want anyone to know and so i couldn't tell the manager why he shouldn't yell at him and it just wrecked me. so that now everything feels like a dream at 4:30 am....i just left work and i'm pretty worried about m. and h, she is even more worried than i am(i can imagine)...stress is crazy. i need to go to meeting(Quaker) tomorrow and just work through things in my mind.
I am currently Surreal
I am listening to amy ray

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Philadephia and NY sound like independence. How ironic.
01/07/2002 06:06 a.m.
I'm going in a little less than 2 weeks to Philadelphia and then NYC with my best girl and its going to be amazing. we're flying up with her friend thatcher and then we're going to hang out in the city over the weekend, and them monday we're taking the train to NY, and wednesday we're flying back. and maybe i'll get to see my fabulous brooklyn uncle who reminds me just how italian my blood is and how much i love it (and he's so fantastically different from my father) and we'll have the most wondrous time. and the best part is, i think i can afford it! it's going to be amazing. and i have a performance and an audition coming up in the next 2 weeks, as well; and everything is going to go just swimmingly, as they say. who needs school? who cares about that stress? (i will when i have to go back) but it will all be amazingly free.
I am currently Lucky
I am listening to my traveling companion rustling pages in the other room

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