the oddness in me
03/28/2003 02:43 a.m.

wade in the water...go across the water, have faith...for god will calm the waters in your passage, and trouble them in the coming of your oppressors. isn't it a beautiful message? i prefer to think that god will trouble the waters so that your enemies are forced to turn back; but it could be read that god will smite your enemies by drowning. that's the way everything is; there is no true perception. i learned recently that my perception is not like yours, not like most people's. this is a revalation for me. i sense wrongnesses in everything that is wrong. not wrong as in ethics, but wrong as in a recollection i make of memory, mostly, or in something i type when i'm not looking at the screen or my hands. it's bizarre and uncomfortable, this feeling of wrong. it's a physical twisting of the stomach, most often.  when i am happy, i see colors. when i'm sad, i see colors. words mean things in my head that they don't mean, evoke images that have nothing to do with the true meaning of the word as we know it. isn't is strange? numbers have shapes. my best friend's phone number is soft, while another friend's is pointy and hard and uncomfortable. when numbers are hard i can't remember them. when they're soft, they're so easy to remember. there are a thousand other feelings about numbers that i can't describe.there's rhythym in everything, and taste. i can't describe it. someone tell me they know.

indi

absolute incomprehension of the situation at hand(long overdue)
03/18/2003 10:29 p.m.

it depresses me to no end that i am forced once more to begin my journal entry with the fact that i am tired...i'm so tired of the anger and self-righteouness on this board. why are we so conservative and dismissive here in the pathetic poets society? i thought we could be a community. i reach out for comfort, and only 3 people out of the hundreds here are humane and thoughtful and kind and open-minded enough to offer me solace. the rest disintegrate into petty squabbles or dismiss it as "another one of those posts *sigh*" without bothering to understand what i meant. there is such an oppressive air about this place lately....so many budding viewpoints trampled by ignorance and fear.

i feel that my viewpoints as a member here at pathetic hold just as much weight as anyone else's. now, that would be true regardless. but many new members feel, understandably, that they must hold their tongues for a spell, sit back and learn. however, i am not a new member, and have not been so for a long time. i have been a member here longer than most people, and i feel that i know how things work and am qualified to express my viewpoints in the forums or wherever else is appropriate. yet, just because i do not feel the need (nor the right) to condescend, a great deal of other members do so to me and many of my fellow poets. it is an outrageous habit that must end. none of us are better than any others. no one here has the right to talk to another poet as a child or an idiot, and i am absolutely DISGUSTED every time i see this happening in the forums or elsewhere. no one has a monopoly on truth in this world, least of all in the Pathetic Poets' Society.

much love.indi

who are my people?
03/18/2003 03:22 a.m.
i'm tired....i'm so tired of people hating and killing. the killing power of one people is massive and terrible; the fact that they choose to use it astounds me. it hurts me that people will die because of my people and without regard for life: my life, your life, the lives that will be lost. who are we? why do we dare to touch this mantle of power, of which we know absolutely nothing and over which we can claim absolutely no ownership other than that of brute force? why do we claim a "moral high ground" when all we have on our side is violence? i'm so tired...
I am currently Empty
I am listening to ani difranco, "both hands"

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duh.....
02/24/2003 08:10 p.m.

sitting in a class that numbs my brain. as a matter of fact, i think i get more idiotic the longer i sit here. i know it's a cliche, but, well...i'm not being productive or helping myself in any way besides getting closer to graduation by attending....wow.

i wish that i could be the words i write and the pictures i draw in ink. ink makes me feel powerful. the flashing of the java window, however, enrages me. somewhat like the squealing of my doomed alternator belt. does anyone else's java window blink with every move you make within its bounds? wow, that's frustrating. okay, well, i think i'm going to enrich my mind with reading now...yay for DUNE. Frank Herbert, you know. i love that book more than anything. it makes me so happy. well, ciao.

hm.
01/15/2003 01:16 a.m.
i am in the midst of a terrible roadblock in my writing. i wish desparately that i could formulate some words and create poetry on paper but alas, i am trapped in a haze of applications and essays and nonsense(otherwise known as the art-killer). someone inspire me, someone save me!
I am currently Pathetic
I am listening to "hallelujah" - l. cohen. lovely.

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joy
12/30/2002 12:53 a.m.

ah, today...poor ryan started some newfangled medication, and it was making him feel sick. i put him in my bed and held him there while he slept. wrapped him up in my new fleece blanket. he is a world within a human. i have never been alone, because he has existed. he gave me an amazing backrub when he awoke. :) exciting.

indi

this!
11/30/2002 04:27 a.m.

Oh, wow. I just need to use this space to relax. I'm a little up in arms about this age thing and it's starting to feel more and more dangerous, the more people discuss it. Not that I oppose the discussions; on the contrary, I think they're important. I do, however, see a problem in the way some are approaching the discussions.

Some people are throwing in little commentaries before reading eerything that has been said, and thereby allowing themselves to ask unnecessary questions or restate things. This also leads to misunderstandings and assumptions. This is a minor irritation of mine.

Some are indeed complaining about other members, viewpoints, or comments without offering anything of substance; essentially, they are just whining, bitching, whatever. Also minorly irritating.

Most disturbing to me: some members are just outright ridiculing and attacking people for what seems to me to be no reason at all (other than perhaps personality conflict or a feeling of innate superiority.) No one is more deserving of the right to be here than another; not because of poetic talent, not because of intellectual or moral superiority, and certainly not because of age. We all came here out of a desire to create our poetry and share it with others. No one is here to hurt anyone else. And no one is here to be scorned by anyone else, either.

If some of us feel attacked or threatened because others are attempting to stand up for themselves(mistaken or not), I think it's time that we grow up.

And it's time to remember why we came here. Remember? Ok, good. We all love one another.

out of my head
10/22/2002 12:52 a.m.

Man, how great. we taught the dance company the first number today...well, part of it. it's incredible. its so athletic and insanely intense. "jesus christ superstar," you know it? well, if you do, this is Simon Zealotes' song, the "Christ, you know I love you" one. It's so intense, exuberant, energetic, sweaty; the word that keeps coming to mind is "praiseful," though I don't know if that's a real word. It's the feeling of giving up everything in dedication. The dance company is the symbol of what the crowd is feeling. I'm becoming fascinated with early Christianity, as secular and non-religious as I tend to be. I'm a Quaker....but not in the traditional sense. I don't follow the Bible as the word of God, I don't believe in Jesus as the savior, and whatnot. That's what most of the Chapel Hill Quakes are like.

Anyhow, I'm exhausted and overhjoyed, I've got the adrenaline going.

Ciao :)

at last
07/28/2002 03:54 a.m.
my love is home for good....!
I am currently Safe
I am listening to the whirring of the fan

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in a good way
07/15/2002 06:32 a.m.
the show is finally up. we did it, guys! children of eden at the north carolina theatre. it sounds fucking AMAZING. i believe that it is an experience worth everything. craig and sabrina and joe and ray are beautiful. i am constantly awestruck. wow. i am so priviledged to be a part of this. it is a good day. not to mention that i saw my wonderful friend today. i miss him far too much. come home, ryan! oh, i miss him. 2 weeks until we are both homr for another year. and he is coming out to see the show in less than one week. great. he will be blown away!
I am currently Restless
I am listening to the new Indigo Girls CD with which ryan surprised me tonight

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