a natural order
01/07/2008 12:04 a.m.
i wonder if i will ever be a part of the natural order of things. i wonder if i will be the other half again, or if i have that capacity. i know that i am not in a position right now to do that, but i wish i was. i wish i could go to someone and have them know me; hold me and say the things i need to hear.

sometimes i want to stand in the middle of a crowd and scream. somehow i feel i would go unnoticed. people walking by with no intention of turning around. i have spent much of my adult life pushing aside the things i feel for the better of others. rarely putting myself first. it is a small prison i have made on my own. so seldom to i truely speak what i feel that i don't think i even know anymore.

i pretend that things did not happen, and pretend i am ok with it. this all for the sake of other people. other people that may care for me but do not realize the burden it leaves. i try to justify it to myself in ways that i don't understand. i know that maybe things are better the way they are, but somehow i am still left wanting. wanting the things i cannot have, and cherishing things i no longer do. people ask questions and i start to doubt if i made the right choice. i know that i did, but somehow the fact that other people ask leaves me feeling ashamed.

on my days off from work i have a hard time getting out of bed. i do because of my dog; he does need to get out of the house at some point. but i can barely make myself leave my bedroom, as if the world outside of it is expecting more than i can give. i find myself being cruel and malicious to people i barely no because it is far easier then being nice. women i find are the easiest to be mean to, maybe because i know what hurts them and i have no problem with it. then again i usually leave overwhelmed with guilt that i have placed some of my burden on them. i understand what it feels like to have someone say hurtful things and walk away. maybe i want to inflict that on other people now that i no longer have that happening to me. i guess that is what you would call projecting.

i wonder now if this is the natural order i have become a part of and if it is where i will stay...
I am currently Brooding
I am listening to silence

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Being Alone
09/04/2007 10:29 p.m.
Sometimes I wonder if I am really alright. If I am ok with my life and its hit and miss direction. I seem to flop back and forth like a goldfish sucking puddles. I want to know what the future may hold and if it will all work out in the end, but I suppose I can not watch my life in fast foward and have to live in the moment. It is agonizing sometimes, but such is life.

I am trying to write and write but all of it seems to go back to the same general place. A place that I do not know how to let go of. I seem to constantly want but discourage help from others in my life. I know that I secretly want someone to hold me and walk me through like a child, but hide that with a sometimes rough exterior and a recurring drinking habit. I always feel stongest when I drink, and that no one can tell me what is right and wrong. Yet, I know that I am not right and that I need a swift kick in the ass from time to time.

I sit alone and home, sober and unwilling to drive in the rain to the bar that became my second living room. I want to go and have a drink, I do. But, I know that is not what I should do. I do not want to become the person it leads me to be, the person that is so much easier to be. I want to be happy with my choices, but I always feel that I may be making the wrong choice. That maybe, just maybe, what I give up on is not the right thing to do. When all of this first happened I said the easiest thing to do is not always the right choice, but I am finding that my choice was the easy way, and that letting go has proved to be much much harder.

How funny that it has worked out that way. I always thought that leaving him would be easier then staying, but it has proved to be much more difficult. Maybe it is not just the loss of him, but of my friends. My friends that have moved or proven to be maybe not as close as I thought before. I feel like letting go; or running away to state more accurately. Moving, and becoming some one new in a brand new place, with no reminders and no memories...
I am currently Exhausted
I am listening to the rain

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Him
08/06/2007 05:55 a.m.
i am having a hard time right now dealing with everything in my head. Once again, i am not sleeping much and that puts undue burden on my brain. i drink way more then i should and i am once again fantasizing about a life i may not have. i think about him, but i don't know that he thinks of me. i think he might, but might is a big might. what if i do go to new york and things are wonderful, and i have a great time? What if i spew out my feelings and it isn't?



I am currently Weird
I am listening to the crickets outside

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People
05/04/2006 03:56 p.m.
There are people I have pushed away, and people I have stopped talking to altogether. It is not that I don't care, or I'm angry or upset. I am not the best person to have as a friend. I forget to do all the things a friend is supposed to do. Like call, or write, just keeping in touch. I am a horrible friend and a terrible girlfriend.
I am currently Empty

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conversations
08/10/2005 02:36 a.m.
i constantly replay comversations in my head...consequently they are conversations that I will never have...oh well, I guess.
I suppose I am not confident enough in what I think that I even begin to start them. Maybe I am just too lazy, but somehow I doubt that.
I hate to pity myself, and I don't think I do...Maybe I just need to open my mouth occasionally. If I don't I'll never get my point across. I don't think that I am totally wrong in the things I think, I just don't ever talk about it...Well, maybe I am wrong...I just don't understand, if I feel like I'm the root of the problem, how is it that I'm not...Or maybe I'm just too difficult, but apparently I am not easy to communicate with...I think I am, but I guess not...Maybe I am just lazy...
I am currently Brooding
I am listening to a baseball game

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Writing again
01/02/2005 11:02 p.m.
It has been a long time since I have been here, writing. It's hard to start up again when I have made myself so quiet. I have a hard time writing much of anything now, but I'm working on it. Hopefully I'll be back soon. I'll make a point of it.
I am currently Content

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Life/Love
12/15/2003 12:33 a.m.
Life is not a movie and love is not a song....A conclusion I have come to.
I am currently Bemused
I am listening to Eric Clapton

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Self Pity is Bull
10/08/2003 09:53 p.m.
Rainer Maria Rilke wrote once "...as if no one had ever tried before, try to write what you see and feel and love and lose." Maybe that is why I'm so stuck, because I'm not doing that at all. It's as if I would rather jusy sit and brood and wallow in self pity then write any of it. I guess it's the writing that is the hard part because once it's down on paper it is easy to see why you have no reason to be brooding or wallowing, and that the problems of your heart are self inflicted.
I am currently Disillusioned
I am listening to Gary Allen

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