I'm Tired
09/29/2008 04:30 a.m.
I'm tired. I'm tired of looking to you for answers on something I already know. I know that I am worth effort and time. I know that I can be complicated and overwhelming. I know that I can be comfortable and simple to read. I don't know why I look to you for what I already know. I need some kind of validation from someone who has an actual interest in me. I want you to see all the things I am, all the good things. But, I cannot force you to see. you have to want to. I will not fight you to see the things that are so obviously there. I am not saying this to toot my own horn, so to speak. I just know the truth inside me, and if you can;t see that I am worth a little faith, then I can't make you. I am tired. I'm tired of caring for someone who doesn't want to care for me. Someone who is unwilling to let me be there. It would be another time I have put in the effort to get the same result. Me alone...

Comments (0)

stuff
09/19/2008 02:52 a.m.
I read a good piece of advice today. Either you are compatible with someone or you aren't. If you aren't cut your losses and walk away. Seems I do not do this well. I tend to try to hold onto people whether or not it is in my best interest. I find people that show me any bit of personal affection and take that at face value. Never considering that maybe they are not what I need or even what I want. I need to just stand up for myself, knowing full well who and what I am. I need to say that I don't need you around, I may not even want you around. It just gets lonely, and I get weak. I have tried to make it through this night without a drink, and I am struggling to get to 10 o'clock. I can't focus, and I can barely type. I feel like my left hand is shaky and my brain is on hyper-drive. I just want to slow it down for a minute. Take a breather. I know that I will not sleep tonight if I stay sober. I know that I will stay awake until I am so exhausted that I sleep on the couch. I will finally fall asleep a few hours before I have to go to work, and the cycle will repeat until I crack. My episodes are not a cause but a symptom of my brain. They are the point where I can't function anymore as a regular person, and I completely lose it. I feel crazy. I feel like a volcano, just brewing and brewing until I boil over with nonsense emotion.

Comments (0)

Changes
07/29/2008 02:29 a.m.
I suppose this will be another new start in a constantly changing life. It seems as though I am always having to change and adapt to my shifty surroundings at every turn. Maybe we all do this. Maybe it's just me. I can't seem to decide what I want to do with my life, or where I want life to take me. I know that it is time to take control of what is going on around me and make some decisions. I am generally comfortable with allowing the winds of life to blow me in whichever direction it seems fit. As nice as that can be, it is time. It is time for me to take responsibility for where I will end up and when. I have to keep myself motivated, because I know that I am a perpetual starter. I find it difficult to finish anything I start. I become complacent when I no longer have the instant gratification of a life that moves on its own whim.
Life will take the wheel and drive where it chooses until you make it pull over and change seats. I think I am beginning to understand that. I am finally seeing that you are in control of your own destiny. Or at least in the way you get there. I do not want to be sitting here at the same point five years from now; blaming the incidences of the world for my lack of happiness. If I am unhappy at that point then maybe I will be able to truly take the blame. I will be able to at least understand that I got my self there. I did it, no one else.

Comments (1)

otis
07/23/2008 05:25 a.m.
you know i wonder if the love i read in poems posted here will some day come to fruition in my own life. i wonder if anyone will ever feel that way, as if exploring me would be the greatest adventure in life. (i know i read that today, and i am sorry i cannot remember who wrote it to give you credit.)

i wonder if i will ever be that interesting, if i will ever be to a person what i read here today.

i listen to otis redding, sittin' on the dock of the bay, and feel a strange connection to the song. not that i have ever been to the dock or had that same thought. but i suppose i have. wondering if what you left behind was worth the emptiness you now feel. i don't always feel empty. the night time seems to be the hardest to deal with. the hardest time of day to feel rational about life. most of the time i am ok...until i am home. home; the place where one should feel welcome and at ease, is where i find my mind restless with the desires for another place. maybe its because by this time i have had a few beers and i sit alone at my dining room table, unable to ignore the silence that fills this place. unable to the people and places out of my mind that make me unhappy. it is in the outside world where i feel strongest. where i feel people notice and bend to me. maybe its cause i am just mean or cold, as i have been told. but i'm not cold or callous. i am caring and eternally devoted to those i love. even in the moments at home where i cry. it is at home where i feel the desperation that is quiet all day. the sadness that i keep at bay with my wit and sarcasm. i cannot hush my mind, nor chastise my thoughts, for its me. me that thinks those thoughts, entertains those dreams of a life that will be different.

Comments (1)

Blockage
07/13/2008 09:22 p.m.
So I can't seem to figure out if my writer's block is due to lack of ideas, or my own perpetual laziness. I have a feeling it's laziness. I think of plenty of things to write about, but usually I am already drunk or tired and it takes too much energy to get it on the page. I just feel like all these feelings and thoughts are going to waste. It is a crippling feeling. To know that I have the talent and ability to write and no energy or desire to write it down. I don't know that it's a lack of desire, but I have nothing to drive me to write. I have no personal ambition to get it out. But I do...
I am currently Clueless

Comments (0)

people like you
05/07/2008 04:03 a.m.
i meet people like you, and i understand. i understand you because you are not condescending. i understand that you have made a path for yourself, yet you are curious as to how i made mine.

i still find myself putting off the image of tough and unforgiving, but i am not that.

i wish sometimes i had behaved differently...

Comments (1)

i am not afraid
04/30/2008 04:05 a.m.
so, as i sit, once again alone and drinking my first beer of the evening; my thoughts continue to return to you. as they have been doing so since i left. every time i see you, it gets harder to leave. i have a feeling it will only continue to do so. maybe it won't, but i highly doubt that.

i left on sunday, only to have a strong desire to turn back around when you called. you called to just to say i forgot a thing or two; neither of which was important to me. i just wanted to see you a little while longer. one last time before who knows when. my thoughts are constantly returning to when i will see you again, when i can sneak away or how things will work.

for the first time since i can remember, i am not afraid of you. i am not afraid of you knowing everything about me. i am not afraid of letting myself go and being the dork i am. i don't care about what may or may not happen. i hope, but whatever the results, i am not afraid. of course i want you to want me. to want me around, available, open to you. but i am not afraid of you.

i can't wait for you to call, which is probably why i don't. although i am not afraid, i am scared of driving you away too soon. sooner then i would like just because of my irrationality or need. since i met you again, in our new lives, that has been the only thing to scare me. the thought of being too much or not enough. more too much. i don't think i could go a day without being enough. having enough, offering enough to you.

there is not one thing that i wouldn't say or do to make you stay. if you were serious about me coming there, i would drop my life to do that. i just want to be a part of yours. a big part, but a part none the less. i think we both know that i am an independent person, that i do not bend to easily to the whim of others, but i don't feel the need to fight what we have or what we may have.

i have always been one to push away the things that are offered to me. being too self centered and selfish to take what someone may give. but you, you are different. all of my feelings and all of my thoughts, i embrace. if you told me tomorrow, or tonight, that you loved me and couldn't live without me, i would actually believe you do. i would actually take that and run with it. i would let you be everything to me.

i don't believe i have ever been this way towards anyone, not even him...
I am currently Awestruck

Comments (0)

vulnerable
03/28/2008 05:09 a.m.
i wonder what i do to make me people dislike me so. i am not sure if it is what i do or the the person i am that gets under their skin. i wish it wasn't so. i don't mean to offend, i guess it just happens that way...

people are weird, funny and inexplicably...people. i suppose we all are what we are. some of us are better at it then others. i don't think i am one of those that is good at it. i feel like i have to work at being comfortable in my own skin. however, i have gotten much better at it.

i wonder if it is so obvious that i carry much sadness with me. i would assume not, but i guess if someone can see it then i do. i am definitely not good at being vulnerable...
I am currently Melancholy

Comments (0)

thinking of you
01/14/2008 10:38 p.m.
i find myself sitting here thinking of someone i have no real business thinking about. not that it is wrong for me to, but i know that if i think about him now, i will continue to think about him, and i will inevitably be let down. i just don't think i have the energy to deal with liking someone and then realize that there was no point. i have said before sometimes i feel crazy, like i am living my two selves. oh well, one day i may get this shit straightened out. maybe not, so i guess i just need to learn to live with it.
i feel like i really have nothing important to say. i read other people's journals or poetry and they seem to have something to say. i start to write and realize that i am just not saying anything of substance. maybe its that i just bitch about stuff, my life and my constant inner turmoil. i feel like this is so self centered that i have nothing better to talk about then me.
at one point in my life i thought i could be a writer, and now i just feel childish. i have nothing to say about the shit thats going on in the world or faith and religion or culture and people. i mean i do, but i don't feel the need to write about it i guess. politics and the ways of the world do not consume my thoughts. it starts to feel like i have no substance.
i was told last night that i mean the world to people and that i have sacrificed myself so much for others. maybe i am not prepared to understand that kind of statement, or i see myself as a different person then others do. i don't think i do great things for people. i am just being me. i care too much and i am to vulnerable to everyone and everything. i don't show it of course but i am. i constantly think about the other people in my life, and what we all have together. friends and family coworkers, everyone.
i guess now i wished i had someone to say all these things to, instead of writing them here. i just don't care anymore what someone reading this thinks. if you are reading this you probably think i am a little nuts, and you would probably be right.
i look for things from people, that i feel i am lacking in my life. i have realized that i do not want to be alone. i want to share myself with someone else. as scary as it is to admit that, i do. i don't know that i am ready for that, but i know that i want that.
I am currently Anxious

Comments (0)

sometimes i feel crazy
01/09/2008 05:35 a.m.
i came here thinking that maybe i had something to say. i realize i don't have much to say that i have not already said. people are so strange; including myself. i find myself trying to find an attraction to people i am around, and then saying all the what ifs in my head.

what if they like me?
what if i like them?
what if we were ever to date?
what if it didn't work out?

it is truly exhausting, this type of thinking. it's as if i find myself in these situations with people that do not warrant my what ifs what so ever. nothing in conversation should have ever led me to them, but somehow they creep in my brain like a poison. of course, if my what ifs are not answered or responded to, i feel rejected and unwanted. once again, neither feeling warranted.

i do not understand why i think this way. i do not understand the way my brain functions, or the feelings it invokes. its as if i am so turned around that everything seems like it means something. every glance from someone means something even though it doesn't. in the rational part of my brain, i know this is completely false and that i read into things more then i should. somehow my irrational always takes over and tries to justify my thinking. like i said, truly exhausting.

to feel as if you are two people in one, even though you know you are not crazy. you are just a little screwed up and twisted.

on another note, my life seems to be relatively stable, and my emotional side is somewhat under control. i say somewhat, because some days are still better then others. i fear people reading this may thing i am totally unstable and completely insane. i swear i am a fairly sane person, and that most of what i feel is only written and not acted upon. like i said, i am not totally crazy...
I am currently Detached
I am listening to the tv

Comments (0)

Next 10 Entries - Previous 10 Entries