?
09/29/2010 04:19 a.m.
i don't know that i know what is going on anymore. what is more, i don't know what exactly it is that i feel anymore, if its anger, or hatred, or self-hatred. i don't know if it is just the unknowing of what i understand to be true in my feelings.

i just want to be able to feel and know what it is that i feel. i guess the drinking doesn't help, but i don't know how to change habitual actions....

and frankly, i don't know that i can forgive the things and the people i am supposedly supposed to forgive. i can tell the sincere apologies from the insincere, and for those that are insincere you can go f* yourself

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money
06/24/2009 04:58 a.m.
all of us live on borrowed time, and borrowed money to state the truth. to say any different is kidding ourselves into believing that our dollar makes a difference. the life you lead, in the way you treat others, and the hardships endured and advised are the only true thing we can give to one another. money is nothing more then a trading card passed through hands that have the need to fill the debt and promise made to another. experience, love and memory are the most valuable commodity anyone has to give. to think differently is to spit in the face of every great philosopher, thinker, scientist, doctor, lover or human of our time.

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More Honesty
01/04/2009 08:19 p.m.
It seems like last year happened so quickly. so many things happened, and so many things changed. everything is still changing, or set to change. i wonder how time can go by so quickly when looked back on, yet when they are in the present it seems to slow to a crawl. i remember so many things that happened and they seem like yesterday, even though they are almost a lifetime away.

how so many hurts can be healed by time that seems to have slipped away silently in the night. so many tears can be sewn with the passing of days and weeks. people can be loved and lost over night it seems, while others stand the hours, waiting for their moment of fruition. i went through the span of emotions, finding myself somewhere in the middle, still standing a little beaten and bruised, but still here. still sane and in one piece, even though i felt like i fell apart time and time again. unscathed, i am still here. better for it, stronger then i ever thought i was; with more love and compassion inside then i ever believed i possessed. i always thought i would never make it through, thinking that this was the end all be all of my life, only to understand that i have much more to give and gain in this life then ever deemed possible.

new truths have come to light, and old lies have been put to rest. i have been tested, trampled and knocked down. i have been built up and upon, lit again and fired up for another thousand rounds of this battle we call life. i have found some of the things inside that i thought i lost or never had. i have found new sparks to start this year and the next. i am glad to say i am starting this new year with you, and glad we didn't start the last one this way. i think if we had, we wouldn't be sitting here today loving learning and knowing each other. i am a better person to love now then i was then, only because i have learned a new trick or two that was hidden up my sleeve. i know now that i am worth honest love and deserving of patience, and i have those to give freely without reserve.
I am currently Peaceful

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Knowing
12/29/2008 09:58 a.m.
such late nights lately.


all the things you want to know about someone:

what is your mother like
what does it say under your senior year photo

-funny, i never took any yearbook photos in high school. i don't even own a yearbook. i don't think i was ever in a picture for any of them, not even in stupid functions or activities. it's almost like that part of my life never existed.

who was your first love
when was the first time your heart was broken
which one is your first scar
your last

- i have so many i think i lost track. i think the one on my chin is my first. i was three. i cracked my chin open on the side of the pool trying to show my mom what i had learned that day.

if you had obligations to only yourself and no one or nothing else, what would you do with your time
would you ever actually want that

- being there for people makes me happy. maybe its that nurturing aspect of being a woman

what is your simple pleasure

- a really good cup of coffee on a quiet morning. no traffic no people no noise just me and the coffee

high/low for the day
favorite body part yours
someone else's

-hands, big strong hands that cover mine, that could hold my face in just that right way that makes me feel small and safe, like i need to be taken care of
-mine, i used to like my hands, and i'm not sure why i stopped. anyway, i guess it would be...you know, i don't know the answer to this one

favorite memory of someone
one memory you hope to have one day
the one thing you don't want to regret the day you die

- i don't want anyone around me to believe that i didn't love them. i want them to know, that although it was trying at times and i didn't always show it in the right ways, my love was always unconditional.



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Christmas Eve
12/24/2008 05:40 p.m.
I wonder what other people are doing today. It's the day of Christmas Eve and I have to go to work this evening, but I have no plans to spend this day with family or loved ones. Christmas was always a big deal in my family; getting a tree, decorating it and at night waking up just to plug in the lights and stare at it. I would sometimes contemplate the year that has been, sometimes just stare into the branches and dream. I sit here in my apartment, with no decorations, not anything that would suggest it's a holiday except for the few gifts that I have wrapped and are awaiting their destination. I have no true expectations for this holiday, except that will be like every other day. Sad, it seems to me, that this once great day has turned into this. I think about going to midnight mass and realize I haven't been to a Christmas service in years.



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Driving Away to Leave it All Behind
11/21/2008 03:34 a.m.
i guess is should be thankful that you gave me something to write about...or not. this is hard, too hard. I want my fantasy sometimes...
I am currently Detached

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secrets and inner fears
11/11/2008 09:14 p.m.
i wrote once that my secrets and your secrets are one in the same. how true that seems to be, even though i am unwilling to admit this on most days. i have realized that we all have the same fears and thoughts. the same sadness and reflection on our insides. so, why then is it so hard to share our secrets? why do we find it so hard to open up and say the things that inherently we all feel? i have this problem. i have never really depended on anyone for anything. no one can provide solace for me in my darkest times, yet it is rather easy for them to take my happiness. why is this? it is so easy for someone to walk in and ravage our homes, yet so difficult for them to put it back together. we let our fears over ride any sense that they can be relieved. we cling to these as if they were air. we cannot live without the fear, yet we wish so desperately that they would dissipate.
I am currently Clueless

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doors and telephones
10/21/2008 02:34 a.m.
the door is more important then the phone. i stare at the door as i do the telephone, waiting for one to open and the other to ring. somehow staring at the reflection in the window makes it seem like a dream, and not the reality that is there. the light on reality seems harsh and unforgiving. mocking in the way it plays on the grooves in the wood; reminding me of the truth. no one is going to walk through. sitting in the glow of the screen gives me comfort, as no other light can illuminate my seat or my face. this nook in my apartment is my sanctuary from the life i have. the patio sits behind me allowing to peer outside without having to enter the world beyond. my second floor provides for me a view that i do not have to abandon, a view that i cherish. if i could live i might stay, in this computer screen lit world with only a telephone and a tv as links to the rest of it. the comfort of solitude can be as welcoming as it is suffocating. somehow i will myself to focus on the inside and ignore the outside. i am slowly developing a terrifying ability to stay inward while being surrounded by people. the trust in ones-self can be all consuming.

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enough is enough
10/21/2008 02:16 a.m.
I have said no. I have now been strong enough to say no. To say enough is enough, and I need more then this. I am sitting here now, lonely, but feeling a little stronger then I did yesterday. It's not easy to say that when saying yes is all I have done for as long as I can remember.
There are so many things that I have wanted to say to people, yet I keep them to myself. I think I am starting to learn that just because I feel a certain way, doesn't mean anyone else needs to know. Sometimes sharing those things doesn't get you anywhere and just leaves the other person feeling hurt. I know I have said before that I feel things extremely, which I don't think is a bad thing, but maybe the reason I share them is selfish. Maybe opening up about certain things is more self-serving then beneficial in the long run.
I always have to keep in mind that being alone is not a bad thing, it just takes getting used to.

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To Be Continued
10/18/2008 03:26 a.m.
I would like to say that I am ok with being alone, but that would be a lie. I am only half fine with it really. The more time I spend alone, the better I feel about it. The more time I spend with other people, the more lonely I feel when I am alone. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Maybe that's normal.
I think that sometimes I need the alone time to really be ok with the situation. Actually, I know that to be true. I know that I need to be alone by myself to better understand me. God, such a circular argument I didn't even realize I was making it. Funny how those things happen.

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