bare
06/03/2002 08:37 p.m.

...emptiness has never felt so heavy, so concentrated, so suffocating...
I am currently Empty

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...oh, now what
05/30/2002 02:43 a.m.

...so I know it is no one's fault but (I am way too aware of my audience) since this site crashed last week, I have avoided returning to the site at all...now I know this is some hyper-dramatic overreacting, however, I was sadly deterred to see this loss, especially after I was just getting over a dry spell and had only written a few pieces...I feel so disheveled now...back at square 1...so easily distracted when I should be writing the most...these days, instead of writing about redefining my life I am doing it, and tho I am afraid I may one day forget things I have affected or done in my life, I at least know I did something rather than wish I did...so perhaps my writing will get back to me once my life starts getting back to me...guess I am feeling selfish these days...needed a place to write it out again...feels good...reading is a tool for most ailments, I am learning...especially those of the heart...
I am currently Bothered
I am listening to silence

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Sonia Sanchez
04/12/2002 07:30 a.m.
....even though i was too sick to move this week...there was a silver-lining behind my cloudy skies...

I missed the reading last night (when Sonia Sanchez, Rita Dove, and the like held a free reading)...but my roomate (THE BEST ROOMIE EVER) told Sanchez I was home and blue, and she wrote me a get well note (which I am in the process of framing)... it reads:

"To Sister Julie--

Please get better! Drink water & juices & sleep!!!

Walk beautifully when you get up!!!

In love & struggle

Sonia Sanchez
4/10/02"

...I know to many this may seem trivial...but this is my space and I will wallow in my pride here on occasion....you've been warned...
I am currently Proud
I am listening to my own hacking cough

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Langston
04/04/2002 04:41 p.m.
"Luck"
by Langston Hughes

Sometimes a crumb falls
From the tables of joy,
Sometimes a bone
Is flung.

To some people
Love is given,
To others
Only heaven.

________________________

I love Langston...he is heaven in words...how lucky we are...

I am currently Calm

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music
03/28/2002 03:27 p.m.

I saw this quote today and had to post it (after I emailed it to everyone)...I love it:

Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find that it is to the soul what the water bath is to the body. -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., US Supreme Court Justice (1841-1935)

I am currently O.K.
I am listening to cars outside my window

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broken
03/22/2002 08:17 p.m.
what I once thought was dawn
the light I saw in you
was not the sun
it was only the light of
a screaming train
heading in my direction
and this morning...
we have impact...
and love has not survived

I am currently Bad
I am listening to my broken heart

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The F Word
03/21/2002 02:03 p.m.
Oh, so you are a one of those, Feminists?

People call me a feminist
as if it were a four letter word
stereotyped as an angry woman who must hate men
people want to believe that is why I am
into women's issues,
and address sexism,
and demand respect
but what people don't know is I have earned it

I have been used and abused
by peers and strangers,
young and old,
men and women,
and I have survived
from sexual harassment and abuse
--to peer-pressure encouraging the
objectification other women
--to mental degradation from TV, Cosmo and Calvin Klein ads
--to sex drugs slipped in my drink
--to pressure from my boss to wash dishes after work
--to vulgarities poured like cement as I walk past construction sites
through painful years I lost
innocence,
confidence,
hope,
friends,
power,
opportunities,
relationships,
patience,
and trust...

...feminism wasn't taught to me,
it was a reaction,
a means of empowering myself
when power was abused and
used against me
as a child,
a teen,
and still now as a woman
I have empowered myself
to keep from being a victim
I strive to surround myself
with honesty and wisdom
--people, experience and text--
to improve the quality of my life
as an individual and as a woman
to avoid the environments and people that have hurt me, abused me,
degraded me, used me
and yes, most of the time it was men, though I emphasize most because women too have crossed that line
I have learned what it is like
to feel worthless,
to feel ashamed,
to feel trapped,
to pretend it doesn't hurt, or worse--
to pretend it never happened
but I am not a helpless victim
victimization is a state of mind
that I gave up
when I decided to empower myself

so call me the F word
I will join you in chorus
sing in the face of your ignorant banter
I'll wear it like the scarlet letter
as it was me,
socially tattooed on my chest
as if some social punishment
of a puritan persuasion
but there is no shame
in my womanhood,
my awareness,
my empowerment--oh no!
my skin has thickened,
my mind has opened,
my goals have changed
and as a woman I am taking responsibility
for my self,
my actions,
and my peace of mind
where change begins!


I have come to terms with
my work and my womanhood,
my sexuality and my sex,
my femininity and my feminism
no apologies, no excuses, no warning
I have appropriated the idea of feminism for myself (and embraced empowerment)
but my struggle has not ceased
my healing is not over, but
my feminism is a daily reminder
of what value what I have to offer,
even (or perhaps especially)
after it is taken for granted,
taken advantage of,
or just taken without consent...


if feminism intimidates someone
then perhaps their self worth lies
in the degradation or exploitation of another--in order to have an edge, based on someone's gender, race, class, etc.
so, how do we gain a competitive edge, if the game is fixed and the referee is biased?


perhaps the F should be branded on anti-feminist foreheads to warn the rest of us, and to symbolize
the fear of the weak,
the facade such an ego employs,
the force of ignorance it embodies, or
the failure of social construction


I am advocating feminism on personal terms,
one life lesson at a time
the personal is political
this is one woman's perspective,
David throwing the F word right back
at Goliath
I am currently Fiesty
I am listening to my intuition

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Journalism dreams
03/17/2002 11:30 p.m.

I am going...going...going...gone...you heard me...I said I am gone...gone...going to new lands and tasting new air...living between the land, off the land, in strange lands...and I will be reborn into the earth anew, brain imprinted with new surroundings, new vibrations, new faces, new images...like birth...and I will be better for it, wiser, kinder, and closer to it all, to myself, to my words, and to the true nature of why I am here...and when I return, I will share what I have seen with all who care to listen, all who may never get to, all who only know these places by their spelling or their place on a map that takes them no where but their imaginations, feeling limited by the paper it is printed on...
I am currently Stimulated
I am listening to a journalist reporting from Nepal via web radio--(I'm next)

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03/13/2002 09:08 p.m.
...reflecting on the POTD: "inside" by John Bouchard, Jr.

...letting people "in" is something I also don't do easily...my protective Cancerian nature perhaps...even now...deep in a long-term relationship I still instinctively feel the need to protect myself, my interests, my future...I thought that would subside as time passed, but it seems to be a pattern I also use with family and friends--even close friends...but what makes me so damn fearful??...pain...the ample pain I have known, bad experiences I wish I never knew...but if these things dominate me, I am not free...I am coscious of this barrier I have created (no matter the cause), and I am aware need to crawl my way out...hence partial reason for my poem "Closed for Renovations"...for this reason I feel I can relate to this writer...I know those fears, I understand those doubts, I relate to those excuses, and I applaud the writer for being able to put it on paper (and on screen)...
I am currently Reflective
I am listening to my heart

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Tuesday blues
03/13/2002 05:25 a.m.

...well it is Tuesday, and manic stress at work has kicked my ass again...I used to hate Mondays, but TUESDAYs take the cake...full day of classes and work in between...not to mention the BS that finds me at my weakest hour each week, like pieces of lint that will eventually drive you crazy if you try to get rid of all of them...by 3:30 I have usually had it all up to here...everything, that is, except for lunch because my ethical (guilt-ridden) priorities allow me to put the shit other people dump on me into priority over my own health...I need food during the course of the day, is that too much...apparently sometimes, and I really can blame no one but myself for letting it happen, letting it get to me, letting these external stressors invade my personal space...so much so that I am whining into an online journal about my shitty day...and all I wanna do is sleep, but I can't...appropriate to top the day off I suppose...
I am currently Blue

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