When does it stop?
03/04/2004 03:01 p.m.
*More behavioral observations and notes (mostly)

Today I'm leaving work early picking up the boys, and driving across town for a psych. eval for my oldest son. The goals are a) to determine if he is bi-polar (or some is it something else causing all these problems) b) to determine if he qualifies for a study that is currently being conducted.

The past few weeks have been very difficult, as his behavior, at home especially, has become increasingly erratic and out of control. As his behavior gets more out of control, my youngest son gets caught up in it, and he becomes over-stimulated and hyper-active.

The last two nights they haven't gone to bed before midnight. I've put them in bed, but no sooner do I get in my bed, than they are fighting, have the TV turned up loud, the radio turned up loud, or are running around the house and fighting. Going on 6 hours of sleep or less a night, trying to catch up on housework, cleaning, and keep my children from killing one another.... I could feel my brain frying last night, my head started to spin, vision getting fuzzy, and no drugs or alcohol were involved at all.

I sure hope that, if nothing else, even if they determine that my son is not bipolar, they can give me some kind of idea what is going on here, because I know this can't be normal. I know other people don't go through these problems with their children, so what's the cause here?


I am currently Frustrated

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March 1, 2004
03/01/2004 01:55 p.m.
Just a jumble of thoughts and emotions, pretty much like most days lately I guess.

I'm celebrating my last 27 days to be 35. Wow! I didn't exactly picture myself being where I am in life right now. It's neither good or bad, just an observation. I'm not sure where I thought I would be or what I thought I would be doing, but being a single mom wasn't part of the equation in my mind 10 years ago.

In 27 days, it will mark 4 years since I appeared in court, before the judge and lawyers, for the dissolution of my 8 year marriage. Wasn't my choice to get a divorce, the court date worked out to be my choice. I had told my lawyer when my birthday was, that I would like to be in court by that date, so I became "me" twice on my birthday, the day I was born, and the day I took my own identity/name back 32 years later.

3 years ago, I didn't expect that I would still be single. Just goes to show you huh? I remember reading statistics that something like 65% of all divorced people remarry within a year of their divorce. As the years go by, the odds of remarrying decrease greatly. Maybe cuz people figure out they don't need another person in their lives to fulfill them, so they are less willing to go with the first thing that comes along?

My I'm sounding pretty pessimistic today aren't I? Guess it comes from the events of the past few days. I feel like I've been somewhat betrayed again, I could be wrong, only time will tell... sometimes I wonder if it's just me, but each time it happens (I'm betrayed, my trust is broken) I really do a lot of introspection... it doesn't keep me from trusting people again, just makes me take a closer look at people and their motives.

Oh well, I have to get to work for now.... Everyone have a good day!

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7 hours at the ball park...
02/29/2004 02:00 a.m.
tryouts, running around, playing catch, making new friends... you would think the boys would be too tired to be beating each other up!? Not... and Jared's cursing like a sailor tonight too! He's lost $2 from his allowance this week for cursing, he lost nearly that much last week too. Although the price of a curse word has doubled (.10) this week, so I guess that means he's not done it as much, but still it's too much!

7 hours at the ball park, on a cloudy February day, with the wind blowing... my face is either sunburned or wind chapped... not sure which, they both feel about the same, and it stings! I'm exhausted from trying to keep tabs on the boys all day in between tryouts (one had tryouts at 9am the other at 3pm, although yesterday they had told me 11 am)
But that's done with, and sometime next week the coaches should be calling with practice schedules, etc... heaven just give me the strength and endurance to survive all of this please!

My mood? or my state of being? BOTH!

I am currently Exhausted

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...
02/27/2004 07:16 p.m.
Wish there were someone to take away the pain
to hold me close as my tears fall like rain...

My heart keeps on reaching out, hoping to find true love
only to be broken, tattered and torn....

Afraid to give up hope, but afraid of being hurt again and again

No longer knowing what to do, not having any answers...I'm lost again


I am currently Depressed

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Something to focus on...
02/26/2004 05:40 p.m.
This is a Lenten reflection I found, but it makes for good rules for daily life and happiness. Thought I'd share this with y'all.

WHAT TO GIVE UP . . .

Give up complaining. . . . . focus on gratitude.
Give up pessimism. . . . . . become an optimist.
Give up harsh judgments . . .think kindly thoughts.
Give up worry. . . . . . . . trust Divine Providence.
Give up discouragement. . . .be full of hope.
Give up bitterness. . . . . .turn to forgiveness.
Give up hatred. . . . . . . .return good for evil.
Give up negativism . . . . . be positive.
Give up anger. . . . . . . . be more patient.
Give up pettiness. . . . . . become mature.
Give up gloom. . . . . . . . enjoy the beauty that is all around you.
Give up jealousy. . . . . . .pray for trust.
Give up gossiping. . . . . . control your tongue.
Give up sin. . . . . . . . . turn to virtue.
Give up giving up. . . . . . hang in there!

I am currently Reflective

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And after the good day...
02/26/2004 02:39 a.m.
* More notes on behavior*is another bad one. My oldest son is raging again tonight.

His reading teacher told me that he has homework this week, that he did not turn it in last week. I told him that he needed to start his homework right away because we had to go do some shopping and he had to finish cleaning the living room from last night.

I took the boys to Academy and bought their cleats for baseball. Try-outs are Saturday. Afterwards we had to go to Walmart to get fish food and a few groceries. I got the boys dinner at McDonald's. I thought they'd like that, and I already had last night's dinner dishes to do from last night.

We got home at 6, and it's now 8:35. Neither of the boys have done their homework. The oldest one decided he needed a shower. I told him that he had to do his homework immediately afterwards. It's still not done. After I fussed at him for the umpteenth time, he took all of the silverware out of the drawer, threw it on the floor, and began stabbing a pencil through a cardboard box. When I went to stop him, he took off running and hid in his closet. I finally got him out of there, and he went back to stabbing the box with a pencil, and then trying to break the end of the pencil with two fingers in his anger. All of this while I'm on the phone too.... Lord, please, PLEASE let UTMB call soon and please let him get accepted into one of the studies.
I am currently Frustrated

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And on a good day....
02/25/2004 01:51 a.m.
*This is going to be a long ramble, but it is mostly for me, to keep track of my son's behaviors and moods*

My oldest son is having a good night tonight! Yesterday and this morning he said "I'm tired of living in a messy house". Mind you, the mess has been of his and his 6 yr old brother's making. I do my best to get things in a livable condition (able to walk through the house without fear of tripping and killing yourself) on the weekends, but it gets out of control quickly with two young boys!

Anyway... at the end of the school day, when I was on afternoon duty, my son brought me his medicine from my purse, so he could take his evening dose. He listed three rooms that needed to be cleaned (living room, their bathroom and their bedroom) and then came up with his own way of putting them in a hat. He had me pick 3 different numbers between 1 and 20, then wrote each room on a slip of paper according to those numbers. After he did his homework (without me having to nag, fuss, etc THANK YOU LORD!) he had me pick a slip of paper (best 3 out of 5) He has then proceeded to clean the living room.

Mind you, again this is in his own fashion and order. Furniture moved onto the balcony, etc. but he cleaned, vacuumed and shampooed the carpet! Put all of the dirty clothes in a basket, is going to box up the books that were on the floor (we are probably going to move again in June)and after he finishes dinner, will move the furniture back into place, rearranging it to his satisfaction.

There has been very little bickering and fighting between the boys tonight. The youngest one isn't being cooperative in the things he needs to be doing, but let's conquer one obstacle at a time!

I can't help but wonder how long this is going to last... it usually doesn't last more than a day or two, and then it's back to the nagging, arguing, etc. but you have to appreciate it and acknowledge the good when it comes! *Note* As soon as Jared got off the phone with his father, he was wired again, chasing and fighting with his brother, yelling screaming, and the furniture remains on the balcony.
I am currently Good
I am listening to Law & Order SVU

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I don't think I'm cut out for this...
02/22/2004 05:10 p.m.
single parent thing... I am at my wit's end dealing with my children, my oldest one especially... For all of our well-being, I need time away from my kids....
post haste


The cursing, the screaming, the threats of self-violence, running away, etc., etc., etc..... I don't know how to deal with this child anymore, and it's going to be at least a month before he can get a psychiatric eval.

Neither of them, but him especially, will do as they are told... but with him, when he doesn't get his way, because he hasn't fulfilled his responsibilities, or been obedient, etc... he goes off the deep end, out of control.... and leaves me feeling like a complete failure as a parent... he's this way because of my inadequacy and failings as a mother.

And my home... it always looks like a disaster area... I do not have the time and energy to clean it every day, I try to keep on top of it, but the two of them completely tear it up, won't clean up after themselves, won't even put their clean clothes away... I don't do it for them... they need to have some responsibility for themselves, but this is driving me freaking INSANE! again, I don't have the time or the energy to stand over them and make/force them to clean up after themselves, but I can't take living like this much longer, I'm afraid I'm about to snap!

God, give me the strength and the patience not to lose my mind and hurt someone!


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Oh Well
02/20/2004 02:08 p.m.
It's Friday... whoopty do. It's payday.. yeehaw.

My income tax return has still not been deposited .... grumble, grumble, mutter, mutter, semi-expletive crudity.

I have absolutely no joy, happiness or excitement right now, and it sucks!

There isn't really a reason for the way I'm feeling, not that I know of... maybe it's just a variety of things combining to throw my perspective off-kilter.

I don't like this hollow, empty feeling, especially when I can't pinpoint a cause or reason for it! And it's only worsened by the fact that I still have not found my muse.

I'm an empty vessel, the contents of which had been my muse. It has been poured out upon the barren emptiness of the desert of life and absorbed by the parched earth of humanity.

*sigh* This is not me, not the me I know or even like, who and what am I?

I am currently Melancholy

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1st day back after a 3 day weekend
02/17/2004 05:50 p.m.
Valentine's Day... eh, so what, and yeah maybe I say that because I didn't do anything or get anything. I spent the day referring fights and arguments with my children. Looked at some apartments (my lease is up in June). The fighting and arguing with the boys escalated by the end of the night, and got completely out of control, complete with one of them urinating in the other's hair (I don't know how or why, and I did ask). That was followed by a bout of "you hate me, you don't love me, I'm going to kill myself" and blood curtling screams as he ran through the house jumping over furniture! I called my EAP from work to see what they could do...their suggestion right off the bat was "take him to the ER for observation"... yeah right, whatever,... spend countless hours in the ER with both of my children on a Saturday night, just because he's getting out of control again. NOT!

Sunday...went to church, went home, packed a picnic lunch and took the boys downtown to the park. "He" called that evening, said something about maybe coming over, but then didn't. He kept his girls an extra night.

Monday.. ran some errands, went by my mom's... things aren't exactly hostile between the two of us now, but they aren't what I'd call great either. The EAP called back. They gave me the names of some counselors to take my son to, and suggested that he have a Psychiatric Eval. done. He had one done two years ago through the school district when I had him tested for Sp. Ed. and they said nothing was wrong... but the EAP said what the school looks for and what the Psych. Eval. look for aren't always the same.

I called his Drs. office, he is due for a checkup anyway because of his ADD/ADHD meds. I got lucky and there was a cancellation for tomorrow, so I'm going to take him in, and request that she give him a referral for psychiatric consult. He's not going to be happy about this, but it's the best thing at this point I think, and it might help me as well.

"He" came over last night. That was great! I've really missed him, only getting to see him once a week or so really bites! The boys were both being difficult last night, even after "He" talked to them. Jared was up until well after 1:30 am!
I am currently Tired

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