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In regards to my last journal entry, someone told me to just say what I feel. Well here goes:

I often feel I'm lacking in common sense, and insignificant in intelligence. I often feel that my intellect is not up where it should be, and that I feel inferior. Take the guy I'm seeing. He's really smart, and often I understand what he's saying. But then on occasions I don't have a clue. I, on occassion, seriously don't see what he sees in me. I mean, there's no way I could ever catch up to his intelligence, but then probably a lot of people couldn't. Yet I have the feeling that maybe, at one time in my life when I was younger, that I could have been quite smart. According to my folks I was one smart cookie when I was younger and it looks like my sister is following the same path. However, I won't allow society (her peers) impose on her baracades like it did to me.

Another thing is that I often feel that I'm not good enough. I find myself second guessing myself quite often. For instance, I want to go to RIT. Its got everything I could possibly want in a higher education learning institution. Its got my major (or going to be), co-op, and its close but not too close to home, so I could visit when I need to. However, I often feel as if I'm not of the right calibur to go there. The students that I've met from there so far, are of way higher intellegence. Not to mention, I often think that I won't be able to hack it there. I would be afraid that I would fail, and then waste the money that I had paid for the classes, and that would mean that the money was wasted if I didn't do well. If there is one thing I've learned in life, is that money is one thing you can't be frivelous with.

On another note, there's my friends. There's one friend that I have realized lately I have been treating pretty shabily. I mean, she's a good friend but on occassion she gets on my nerves. Well, actually on occassion everyone gets on my nerves including myself. Anyway, I'm not always very nice to her and I should be. She's been through a hell of a life rougher than mine. And I'm not talking about split-family, step-siblings, drunk in the family type. I mean the overly-religios parents that are forcing a religion on a person that doesn't want it. She has her personal problems too. However, since her mom screwed up as a teen, her mother has put more restrictions on her than is neccessary. And her adopted dad is really religious and her mom often sides with him. So she's not always allowed a lot of freedoms. On top of everything, she's an only child... So I have a feeling that I do owe an apology for not being the type of friend she needs right now.

I also feel a bit inferior to my best friend. She's got everything going for her. She's confident, smart, knows where she's going in life. She's always the life of the party, and always knows how to cheer someone up, or be there for them when they need it. She's the rope that keeps me grounded. And I don't think I've told her how much I really appreciate all that she's done for me.

Another thing is that the guy I'm seeing has so much control. Something that I've always wanted to have when I needed it, and never have. He's everything that I've ever wanted to be in life (at least when I was younger). When society stuck its nose in my life however, my life took a completely different turn and I ended up more guarded about what I said to who and why. That blockade is still in effect today, however due to the help of several of my close and dear friends, I've been able to bring down the blockade some. I feel it will always be there no matter how much time passes.

Fears are another thing that has been brought to my attention that I should be truly honest about. I've kept most of my fears deep down, buried so far down that I would never recognize them. Lately in my last couple of dreams they have been brought up and placed right in front of me. Some would say just ignore them, but that's easier said than done due to the fact that I have a very photographic memory in some cases, and often can remember my dreams. This is one that is burned into my brain. I can't rid myself of it, or forget it. These occurences have caused me to analyze my fears and thougts a little more closely.

I think that's about it for now... and as for the title of this journal entry "Being truly honest..." the whole point was that I be totally and truly honest with myself.

This is so annoying... I want to write something yet everything I type really doesn't make sense. It's like a dead end street... the thought starts and then just in the middle of nowhere it stops and then I don't know what else to write. I'm so bored out of my mind right now cause I'm sitting in a computer room with nothing to do. Not even the usual games I play online are keeping my attention. I'm just sick of the same routine over and over again... school, work, home... school, work, home... school, home work... I just want to get and do something right now, but I know as soon as I get home, I'm going to go up to my room where I'm extremely comfortable and only go downstairs to feed.

I often look on poems here and then look at mine and feel vastly inferior. I often feel like everything I've written has been written before (with just different words) along with the idea that my poems are face value to me. Whatever I write is what I mean. I never quite got the whole thing with having a hidden meaning in a story or poem. If you feel a certain way, then you should just come right out and say it. Why beat around the bush? it just wastes time, and often causes miscommunication.

I want to write so much but as I think about writing it, it all seems so silly or redundent. Even here I can't write what I really feel, or want to say, due to the fact that some of my friends are also on here. So no matter where I go in life, whether on my own or on the internet, I'm always censored. If you wonder how I can be censored on my own, I'll tell you. I censor myself. Another reason why I can't write everything that I would want to on here.

First of all I would just like to say, that there were several entries that I would have liked to use but couldn't... So anyway...

I never realized how loud music was, until recently when I stopped listening. You may wonder what I mean by that... Well, I usually have my 3-disc CD player playing music for background noise. I usually tune it out, but lately while I've been reading without the music I can hear myself more clearly. I understand what I'm reading much more throughly.

On another note, I'm kind of frustrated, cause I want to write a letter to a friend of mine, but I just don't have anything to write about. I mean I could use the usual "this happened... that happened..." but that's not really anything. It's got no meat, or sustanance, to it. Also, I've got the itch to write poetry but I just can't figure it out.
Another note... I'm curious as to what some dreams I've been having lately mean. The last three (not including last night) contained a certain someone who shall remain nameless, and I can't figure out why.

Another note... I'm getting myself all stressed out over my schooling. Planning it out, hoping I get the right grades, hoping I'm able to get into the right classes, hoping that I can actually hack it in those classes, and then still hoping that I can hack it at the next school that I want to go to.

Well, that's about it for now, before AOL kicks me off AGAIN for being idle too long (damn modem!)

Shall vent more later...

I never realized how quick you can be pulled from this little world of ours, this planet, this place called Earth, called home. A classmate that graduated with me died this past Tuesday, and he was only 21. This guy had a lot going for him. Now, I really didn't know him all that well, but everyone (or at least almost everyone) knew who this guy was. He was on the football, student council, and was one heck of a funny guy. When I read his obituary, I was really surprised how much this guy had going for him. He was going to a good college, was in Who's Who in High School and College, and was even engaged. All of this, and more, at the young age of 21.

Now, I'm not asking for sympathy, and you're probably asking 'why the heck is she writing about this?'...
Well...I'm not really sure why... I felt compelled to write about him, and the situation. I've heard about all these different kids dying.. a grade ahead of me, I didn't know him... two grades below me, I didn't know him... but when it hits you that someone your age, someone you went to high school with, just graduated not even three years ago, has died, you kind of start to wonder. This guy will never see his first 5 or 10 year high school reunion. Kind of makes you wonder why someone who was so young, and had so much to give, could be taken away from this earth as quick as a snap of the fingers. We shall all miss him, even those of us who knew him from a distance.

In memory of J.S.G., class of 1999, Paul VI High School.

I just got home from church (Catholic, that is) and I'm beginning to wonder if this religion is all that its cracked up to be. Now, I know I have several friends that read this, and will wonder what's gotten in to me, but I definately found this to be an interesting revelation for me. Now, on to my story...

I'm sitting in church and the priest is up there reading a quote (at least I think that's what it is) from the lectionary. It's a long one and then it gets me thinking. Why should a priest have to read a quote that gives us an example of something Jesus did, when we can just read it in the bible if we wanted to? And on top of that, after reading the quote, he stands there and explains it to us, as if we couldn't figure out on our own what the example is saying. Children I can understand not getting the gist of what the priest is saying, but then they should ask an adult they trust to what it means. I also started to begin wondering what they put in the "body" (bread). How do we know what they actually put in it? Now to end this thoughfulness on the Catholic mass... I have a very active imagination, and some times it runs away with me... Well, today in church, I had a flash of an image that the priest (who was standing behind the alter with his hands outstretched) was the devil, and then the ushers, who are kind of like line leaders in elementry school and let us out of the pews row by row, kind of looked like his minions, along with the people that help the priest up by the alter. I just thought I might share this with the rest of the world.

have you ever been bothered or worried about something but you didn't know what it was? Well, that's me right now. Something is worrying me, and nagging at the back of my mind and don't know what that is. I mean currently I don't think I have anything to worry about cause everything is just hunky-dory (ok, so it isn't really, I just wish it was). Life definately takes some unusual twists. There is a lot of stuff I want to write about or even mention, but I can't get it to come out of my fingertips, so I'm going to end this for now, till I can get myself under control.

Yeah, to make a long story short. AOL on a modem, sucks royally.... I had a nice long journal to post, which was composed here at the computer so I didn't have it written down ahead of time, and AOL timed out... So I lost the WHOLE damn thing...

First of all, I would have used "frustrated" for the mood, but they didn't have it listed. Second of all, why do they have two "peaceful"s? Are there two different kinds of "peaceful"?????

Now, on to the rant...
I don't care who reads this...
I once thought friends were supposed to stick together. I always valued myself as a good friend, and if I wasn't that I would want to be told so. I also have values in the people I become friends with. Some of those include: honesty, trustworthy, dependablity... I've always thought that you keep your private life seperate from your work life. Well, one of my co-workers can't seem to understand this. I mean, when you work where I work (which shall remain nameless, but I will give you the type of environment which is a library) and you are entrusted with certain information, you aren't meant to go out and give it to your friends. And then when you get in trouble for it, because this co-worker also happens to be a "friend" (cause I'm not entirely sure of this right now) go and talk about your co-worker aka friend behind their back. Which in turn, the friends of your "friend" make a comment which is totally unececcessary. Where does this person get off doing this? When you are hired, and entrusted with such information, you should work to keep that trust. But giving out information that shouldn't be done so, and then when you get in trouble for it, and then complain over the fact that you got in trouble because of it. I'm just really pissed off right now, and I'm not sure how long this will last. I trusted this person, and so do our bosses, and this person went and broke that trust.

Now that I'm done ranting, I shall ask for any suggestions anyone might have on how to deal with this. And just to let you know, I've discussed what has happened with my boss, but since its a public place there's not much we can do... *sigh* lets just hope most of us can come out of this unscathed...

Mind unfocused...
02/17/2002 04:55 a.m.
Have you ever done something that you thought would be good for you, and then turned out to be a total bore? Well, I've done that this semester at school, and while it'll help my GPA, I'm just mostly bored with my classes. So my homework gets done in no time flat, and since I'm not the type of person just to sit around twiddling my thumbs, I'm not really sure what to do with my time. This usually means my imagination goes into overdrive, which can be fun at times, but sometimes it's just be a nuisance. On top of this, I've got the thoughts of having my wisdom teeth pulled. This isn't so bad, at least to my conscious mind, but I think its worrying my subconscious. Well, at least its only going to last a month or so. In the mean time, I think I'll just drive myself (or my family *grin*) nuts, whichever comes first. Adios!
I am currently Restless
I am listening to Blackmore's Night: Shadow of the Moon: Greensleeves

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Journal Entry
02/14/2002 04:12 a.m.
As I sit here, and think back to my thoughts that I had in church this evening, I wonder how many thoughts repeat themselves every time I take a step inside it. We sing praise, but how many of the people sing the words does it really mean anything to them? Do they sing because they are religious and devout, or do they sing cause the person in the front of the church says "please join me in singing ..."? Do they go to church cause they have to, or because they actually want to? Many times the thought comes to me, that we sound like a group of brainwashed people. We repeat the same things over and over, as if we didn't hear ourselves or the congregation the first, or the second time. And I think its kind of hard to miss what is being said when a group that large says the same thing at once, and inside a building no less... I lost my train of thought of where I was going with this. Oh well, I might be able to remember later, and the next station.
I am currently Detached
I am listening to Blackmore's Night: Fires at Midnight: Village on the Sand

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