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Your body isn't yours

by Amanda Bullington

You are nothing but a warm body to hold and kiss

Half-heated leftovers after his encounter yesterday

With a different female shape



The scent of her floods his mind as he touches you

He’s learned to keep her secret, pretending you’re

The only body he buried himself in this week

Whispering lies to you as he thinks of her



You are replaceable

Skin and flesh under his

Sometimes blond, sometimes freckled

Indiscriminate



Dating a man who self-identifies as poly

Is an exercise in lobotomy

Learning to still your heart

As it cries out in rage

Jealousy

Indignity



He’ll wear you down with half-truths

Until your heart evaporates

Simmering down into emptiness

Despair

A feeling of all-consuming worthlessness



He says of course he cares about you

What he means is that the vessel of your body

Must stay intact and open to his pleasures

As he slowly devours you

Ignoring the human inside

(Don’t worry, she’s dying of despair anyway)



From his first words, you could have known

You were nothing special

Asking if you would mother his children

Cementing his blueprint on your skin

Reminding you that your body belongs to the men of the world

And you’re expected to let them twist it into purpose



After a few destructive years of agony

Healing some wounds and carving others

He remembers to notice the human inside your vessel

Reminding you that chattel like you are of temporary interest



“You’re not a person I would want to parent with after all,”

He casually says in dim lighting, caressing you on the couch

Seeing the mistake he made in selecting your humanness

Dictating his ultimate purpose

To find a new body in which to plant his seed



Perhaps, bringing a new young man into the world

To continue the cycle of rulership over women’s bodies

Sowing the seeds that tell you he’s leaving

Bored, perhaps, of the contours of your skin

Or simply realizing that you’re somewhat uglier than merely a sperm basin



“I still like the look of your pictures,”

He informs you

Reminding you how he captured your eternal youth and naivety

Sealing a perfect memory in his mind

Of the beautiful version of you that existed for a brief moment

Until you grew from adolescence into despair



“Why can’t you be more like the person in those photos,”

He asks you

Dancing, smiling, laughing

Could you please go back to being the joyful person you were

Before he dissolved your trust in men?



No matter, for while he asks you

Why you can’t be a better version of yourself

He’s sticking his hands into another girl’s shirt

His tongue in her mouth

Capturing her photos

Reminding you again that you were a single cog in his machinations

His hunt to claim a body that can harvest the fruit of male labor



Unwilling to believe he’s leaving

You plead for his touch

Thinking somehow your body can convince him

You’re enough



He laughs, telling you it’s only hormones talking

He walks away, leaving you ragged

Your wetness seeping into your panties

Flooding out like the unshed tears in your eyes



Those hormones are the protection

That keep you from becoming the terrible mother he predicts

A barrier he resents

The only symbol of choice you have available in a man’s world



So why do you stay?

Your lover has firmly reprimanded you

Reminding you that he will no longer languish in shared lust

Or sip up the divinity of your skin

(He’s bored and ready for a new set of contours,

A new areola to suckle)




Still, you let him rip you apart

Destroying your sense of self-worth as he thrusts

Carefree, joyously into another warm body

In thoughts if not actions



Anytime you think you have escaped his clutches

He comes fleetingly back into your life

Grabbing your veins in a chokehold

Slowing your pulse to the faintest sound of beating

A peaceful feeling of the afterlife melting into your organs

And languid limbs



His eyes grip yours for an instant

You catch the spark that first melted your heart



Until you realize he’s looking behind you

Seeking out a new set of curves, a new connection

Flirting over your head

If only you could turn into a ghost

You wouldn’t disturb his vision

Of a perfect future

Anymore



Your heart throbs in agony

Realizing this man will never be content

With the divine gift in front of him

Whether it’s you

Another

Or a dozen all at once



Still, your body betrays you

Watching the desire pour out of him,

Targeted at the rest of the female population

Your legs still melt

Wishing that primal energy was a pool of desire

Meant for the person who he always told honestly,

“You will never be enough to satisfy my needs”

09/16/2018

Posted on 09/16/2018
Copyright © 2019 Amanda Bullington

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