Your body isn't yours
by Amanda BullingtonYou are nothing but a warm body to hold and kiss
Half-heated leftovers after his encounter yesterday
With a different female shape
The scent of her floods his mind as he touches you
He’s learned to keep her secret, pretending you’re
The only body he buried himself in this week
Whispering lies to you as he thinks of her
You are replaceable
Skin and flesh under his
Sometimes blond, sometimes freckled
Indiscriminate
Dating a man who self-identifies as poly
Is an exercise in lobotomy
Learning to still your heart
As it cries out in rage
Jealousy
Indignity
He’ll wear you down with half-truths
Until your heart evaporates
Simmering down into emptiness
Despair
A feeling of all-consuming worthlessness
He says of course he cares about you
What he means is that the vessel of your body
Must stay intact and open to his pleasures
As he slowly devours you
Ignoring the human inside
(Don’t worry, she’s dying of despair anyway)
From his first words, you could have known
You were nothing special
Asking if you would mother his children
Cementing his blueprint on your skin
Reminding you that your body belongs to the men of the world
And you’re expected to let them twist it into purpose
After a few destructive years of agony
Healing some wounds and carving others
He remembers to notice the human inside your vessel
Reminding you that chattel like you are of temporary interest
“You’re not a person I would want to parent with after all,”
He casually says in dim lighting, caressing you on the couch
Seeing the mistake he made in selecting your humanness
Dictating his ultimate purpose
To find a new body in which to plant his seed
Perhaps, bringing a new young man into the world
To continue the cycle of rulership over women’s bodies
Sowing the seeds that tell you he’s leaving
Bored, perhaps, of the contours of your skin
Or simply realizing that you’re somewhat uglier than merely a sperm basin
“I still like the look of your pictures,”
He informs you
Reminding you how he captured your eternal youth and naivety
Sealing a perfect memory in his mind
Of the beautiful version of you that existed for a brief moment
Until you grew from adolescence into despair
“Why can’t you be more like the person in those photos,”
He asks you
Dancing, smiling, laughing
Could you please go back to being the joyful person you were
Before he dissolved your trust in men?
No matter, for while he asks you
Why you can’t be a better version of yourself
He’s sticking his hands into another girl’s shirt
His tongue in her mouth
Capturing her photos
Reminding you again that you were a single cog in his machinations
His hunt to claim a body that can harvest the fruit of male labor
Unwilling to believe he’s leaving
You plead for his touch
Thinking somehow your body can convince him
You’re enough
He laughs, telling you it’s only hormones talking
He walks away, leaving you ragged
Your wetness seeping into your panties
Flooding out like the unshed tears in your eyes
Those hormones are the protection
That keep you from becoming the terrible mother he predicts
A barrier he resents
The only symbol of choice you have available in a man’s world
So why do you stay?
Your lover has firmly reprimanded you
Reminding you that he will no longer languish in shared lust
Or sip up the divinity of your skin
(He’s bored and ready for a new set of contours,
A new areola to suckle)
Still, you let him rip you apart
Destroying your sense of self-worth as he thrusts
Carefree, joyously into another warm body
In thoughts if not actions
Anytime you think you have escaped his clutches
He comes fleetingly back into your life
Grabbing your veins in a chokehold
Slowing your pulse to the faintest sound of beating
A peaceful feeling of the afterlife melting into your organs
And languid limbs
His eyes grip yours for an instant
You catch the spark that first melted your heart
Until you realize he’s looking behind you
Seeking out a new set of curves, a new connection
Flirting over your head
If only you could turn into a ghost
You wouldn’t disturb his vision
Of a perfect future
Anymore
Your heart throbs in agony
Realizing this man will never be content
With the divine gift in front of him
Whether it’s you
Another
Or a dozen all at once
Still, your body betrays you
Watching the desire pour out of him,
Targeted at the rest of the female population
Your legs still melt
Wishing that primal energy was a pool of desire
Meant for the person who he always told honestly,
“You will never be enough to satisfy my needs”
09/16/2018