An Unconditional Psychoanalysis by a Good Cray Cray...
by Ame Ai
...or really a
breakdown of a breakdown
by someone with stamina.
(Because I really don't believe that
anyone you've encountered was ever anything
other than crazy in love.)
Your lovely ADD,
talking 'bout OCD.
Come on, come on, come ooon,
let me tell what it's all about,
Just because you loved your ex-wife
or so you may have at least implied
(because who else could love a stripper?),
didn't mean you wanted her to let go,
so you let go
Just because your family loves you
or so you've been told
(or have you ever doubted?),
doesn't mean you want to lose your hair, physique, or religion
during your R.E.M.,
Just because you loved your ex-girlfriend
(she may have believed),
doesn't mean you want to tie her down
(other than to a bed
with Japanese rope perhaps).
So then you find a model and seller of beauty products
with three hair curlers, three eyeliners, four lipliners, five mascaras, five powders, eight lipsticks, eight eyeshadow combinations,
14 balms or glosses, 16 moisturizers, 18 hair products, 32 nailpolishes, a gigantic Amazon beauty wishlist,
and seven stripper outfits,
not to mention any hats, heels, jewelry, scarves, hair accessories, or wigs,
who treats herself with organic soap,
who uses beauty as a tool to Make Money,
and disappoint her by disappearing
into the night
after she introduced you to
casual aquaintances at a casual
gathering of hippies
on a cold non-miniskirt night
after a two-hour commute from a job
so sedentary she didn't even sparkle.
This willingly forced her hand to change her ways
and use beauty as a tool to Make Love
(because she'd rather love people and use money
rather than the other way around)
and Grow more
skilled at the self-development
of Good habits
in this unpaid internship.
Just because you care for me
doesn't mean you don't want more money, a promotion,
and the eye candy
woman that goes with it, with
the symbols of youth: big eyes, big lashes, and maybe a big butt,
doesn't mean you'll ever stop showing off
despite your mental reminders to toot your own horn,
doesn't mean you want to age,
doesn't mean you want to stop fending off the inevitable,
doesn't mean you want to stop chasing an ideal,
doesn't mean you want to stop
doesn't mean you want to hear me tell you what you're thinking in a poem
even if it takes away some of the pressure of face-to-face vulnerability,
doesn't mean I like your unilateral decisions, but I can drive around bends,
and I'm learning to parallel park.
I have debated whether people prefer to be accepted, liked, or understood,
not to mention approved of and loved.
I accept myself,
and I Accept you as the instrumental to my lyrical poetry.
I don't want to be liked,
but I Like you,
"flaws" and all,
for I have certainly loved those with
favorite fears and funkier flaws.
I think I Understand,
I think I Understand,
I think I can,
though I have wildly missed the mark before.
I Approve of the impetus for changes in my life,
for the impetus surely would not have come from me,
since peace is without fear and motivation requires
an ounce of uncertainty and excitement!
Haven't you heard
that the way a person breaks up (or embraces a break up)
is the most important part of a Kit Kat bar?
And I see the
care beyond space and time
(because I can separate the temporal from the Infinite,
care is 6x the size of what is valueless)
even where there are superficially superficial
in a spaceful-timeful-physical
forgetting that who you want to be
may not be in alignment with your karma or who you really are,
but then why would we want something we wouldn't have?
but it's cosmic indifference to a future result
that I release, let go, and surrender to the present
(me with a bow).
However, I can embrace using means to a (happy) end(ing).
Even though I believe in grace,
the joy is in the journey of earning
either your lack of respect or your heart.
Posted on 04/10/2018
Copyright © 2019 Ame Ai