by Jeffrey Parren
you fine pilsner beer.
I cracked you open at 6:35AM
because I'm an adult
and even though I'm drinking you
I still feel like my world is
silently crashing around me
without even the faintest of sounds...
everything is different.
My loneliness only exacerbates itself
when I'm in the presence of others
or by myself.
It's the couples I wait on.
Happily finishing each other's
It's the single old guys without wedding rings
that I see as my futuristic nightmare, grumpily
demanding coffee without even
the slightest of a "good morning" back.
Good morning, sir, I'm Jeff and...
Fuck me, right?
Why fake it?
The midnight Burger King runs
with the silent hopes of dying
of a massive coronary
whilst holding that jug of Dr. Pepper
is just about the only thing
that I have left.
I daydream about making a difference
in other peoples' lives
while I can't even muster up the courage
to stick to a health and fitness regiment
long enough to see any results.
How am I supposed to love someone else
when I can barely look myself in the mirror?
I feel old.
I'm looking older.
I may as well be a teenager still,
what, with all the life I haven't lived.
I rent, helping other people pay off their own house.
I've read the financial books. I know what not to do.
What do I do?
Drive my once clean financial slate back
into max capacity.
I finally cut two cards up. Freeing, yet
it'll be two years before I can sniff freedom.
Trapped in a body that doesn't work.
Trapped in a mind that has grown lazy.
Trapped in a life without drive, without hopes, without dreams.
I am your worst nightmare.
I smile on the outside everywhere there are people,
only to come home, put on some sappy movie
and fight back the tears that never solve anything.
I drink you, Miller Lt,
because it's the only thing I have control over
right this minute.
Author's Note: This isn't a cry for help or hidden agenda for someone to like me, OR another reason for someone to tell me to "go talk to someone" and "it'll make a big difference." Fuck that nonsense. If I change, it'll be because I changed it. My current state of directionless living is the reason I am so down. I'll either figure it out, or die. Only one of those is inevitable.
Posted on 07/24/2016
Copyright © 2021 Jeffrey Parren