Dear 14,
I know you're only fourteen. I know you think that's old enough. I know you're mad at Mom and Dad and everyone else. I'm not here to tell you any of that is wrong. But get ready. Listen to what I have to say. Hopefully you do, because I'm you, and we've always been pretty good at listening to me, me, me, haven't we? Ready? This is your future. Don't try to change any of it. Please. I know you're going to want to, just hear me out until the very end.

In a couple of months you'll turn fifteen. A couple of weeks later, you're going to meet a guy. He's Lindsay-from-the-barn's brother. He's going to rape you. Twice. It's going to be okay, it ends. You'll get through it. You're not a bad or weak person for it. In November you're going to lose Justin. He's going to commit suicide in his father's basement. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I know you don't believe me. You won't believe me until you're 26. But you'll get there. Stay with me, okay?

Next year, Layla is going to give you a pill. You're going to take it. You're going to love it. I remember it feeling like I'd been holding my breath my whole life and I could finally inhale. You'll be able to sleep, and talk to people, and you'll feel more comfortable being yourself than ever before. You're going to do it every day until college. Yes, you're going to college. You're not going to like it. You’re going to lose another boyfriend when you’re eighteen. You’ll be the last person to see him alive. It’s going to be really hard, and you’re going to lose it at his funeral. It is not your fault.

A guy named Paul is going to ask you out. Say yes. He plays a large role in your future. You're going to transfer colleges and move in with him when you're nineteen. He's going to ask you to marry him, and you're going to say yes, but you're not going to be happy about it. That's just what you do when you're in an abusive relationship. You won't realize that for a while, and by then you won't know what to do. It's okay. You're not pathetic. You're not a bad person. You're not broken or defective or alone. Lots of women go through the same thing and come out the other side stronger. You're going to try to stop him from drinking. It's not worth it. He’s going to rape you, too. Don’t talk to him for three days afterward, it makes him feel kind of bad about it.

Living with Paul is going to put you down the street from Layla again. She's going to give you another pill. This one's going to be much stronger than that other one. You're going to take it. You're going to sniff it and you're going to forget all about how miserable you are with Paul, how much you hate yourself, how many times Mom told you "if the drugs don't kill you I will." None of it is going to matter. You're going to steal twenty thousand dollars from work so you can get high. I know. You don't think you're capable of doing that, you're a good person, right? You are a good person. You're not yourself, you are very sick. Remember that.

You'll meet a guy at this new job you get. He's going to save you. Be kind to him for as long as you can. He's going to give you a place to live until you can go home. You're not going to go home, by the way. You'll live with him for the next four years. You're going to fall in love with him, and he will love you better than anyone has that you have ever met. You're going to have so much fun. I don't want to spoil it for you, so I won't go into that. You have to experience that for yourself. You’re going to be high the whole time, though, I’m sorry to tell you. You’re going to dabble in being a drug dealer, and it’s pretty profitable. Take advantage of that while you can. You’re not going to be rich for very long.
When you’re 24, you’re going to meet a guy online who shares your interest in drugs. You’re going to be best friends for two years. You’re going to cheat on your boyfriend with him, because you feel alone and misunderstood in your relationship. Your dealers are going to prison, though, so you’re getting cut off from your supply. Your new friend is going to offer you heroin. Take it. I know, I know. It goes against everything you thought about yourself as a person. “I’ll never do heroin, I’ll just do pharmaceuticals, I’m not a junkie; I’ll never. I’ll never. I’ll never.” Yes, you will. Hang on.

You’re going to start shooting up in March. It’ll be hard at first, but you’ll think it’s worth it. Maybe it is, for a little while. Your boyfriend won’t be able to handle it, though. He’s going to catch you shooting up at the end of the driveway one night. He’s going to cry. You’re going to cry. It’s going to be a shit show. He's going to leave you.

You’ll be in and out of rehab for a while after that. It’s going to get worse every time you come home. You’ll think of new ways to get money once Mom and Dad take away your bank account. You’re going to do a lot of things you never saw yourself doing in a million years. You’re going to sell yourself and all of your possessions. One of the men is going to assault you. It’s probably really hard to understand why I would want you to do all this, but it’s important that you do it. It doesn’t make you a failure. It doesn’t make you hopeless or dirty or useless.

Mom and Dad are going to threaten to kick you out after you turn 26. You’re going to go to rehab again. You’re going to get the idea that you should kill yourself when you get home, about three days into your detox. It hurts, a lot, but you’re going to hang onto that idea until you get home. In the beginning of March they’ll actually kick you out and you’re going to overdose behind the wheel of a moving car the same night. You’re going to hurt people in the accident. Your car is fucked. You’re going to be officially dead for something like twenty minutes. It’s going to seem like half a second. It doesn’t hurt, don’t worry. They’re going to save you. You’ll get arrested when you get to the hospital, but that’s not important. You’re alive. You will be really pissed off about it for like a month. You’re going to rehab again, okay? I know it sounds like a mess, and it will be. In total, you go to rehab eleven times in a year. Nonetheless, you’re going back, Princess. You’re stuck in there for three months. Just bear with it, it gets better. You’re going to get your life back. Your counselor is going to make you think about a lot of painful things. You’ll hate it, but she’s doing it for your benefit. You’ll end up loving her to death. She’s great. Oh, and you’re going to get laid a lot in rehab. Don’t tell anyone, they’ll kick you out if you do.

I want to make sure you know everything that happens to you, and don’t change anything that I did in an effort to save yourself. Don’t be afraid of going to AA, even though Mom said some not so nice things about it when you were little. Today, I live in a sober living house with seven other girls. It’s really cool. I have a boyfriend who’s in recovery too, and he’s awesome. I feel the same as I did that first time I took the pill Layla gave me, only it’s real, and it lasts longer. I had to go through all of that awful shit to get this. Normal people just go through life not knowing who they are, or being whoever other people think they should be; they float through life without really looking at themselves or appreciating what they have. We get to learn about ourselves and really get to know who we are. It takes a long time, sure, but it’s worth it. We appreciate the good for having been through all the bad, and it’s fucking beautiful.

Hold on, it gets better, okay? I will be there for you the whole time, holding your hand. I love you.

26

07/17/2016

Posted on 07/17/2016
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