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Buying a Finger Guillotine

by Rhyana Fisher

I.

It's 100% my sister's fault.

As a general rule,
I avoid those kind of parties
like the plague.
...like Ebola
(if only it weren't just a political scare tactic in this country).
...like polio
(if it weren't simply hidden, relabeled as a dozen "new" disorders).
...like the Black Death
(at least that one hasn't re-spawned lately...yet).

Tupperware, Partylite, Young Living, Shaklee -
the rounds go 'round.
This time it's Pampered Chef.


II.

It would be easier to pretend to be outraged
if they hadn't made their finger guillotine.
They pseudonym it as simple slicer
but I know a finger guillotine when I see one.

Ha! Thirty seconds to demolish an onion.
I fell in lust at my sister's first party,
then fully in love after shanghai-ing it
in one of my generally futile attempts
at an edible dinner while nephew-sitting for her.
(Caramelized onion rings passably imitating burnt marshmallows
are far tastier than one might think on a salmon bed.)

I grudgingly admit it's a useful product.
That's never been my problem with those kind of companies.


III.

It'd be wonderful to claim
a high and mighty ethical reason
they irk me.

Introspection and self-knowledge
disallow that degree of self-deception.
My issue is far simpler.

In-tro-vert.
More than three people in one place
is three too many to handle gracefully.

Contrary to my husband's beliefs,
I'm not masochistic. As a general rule,
I do try to avoid situations
requiring extroversion as a pre-requisite.

Self-knowledge suggests hosting a party,
esp a party that requires salesmanship skills,
will NOT end well.

Which is why, as a general rule, I don't.
There are few things more depressing
than throwing any kind of party
only to have no one show up.

Simple rule to live by, yes?
Like all simple ideas,
complication sets in fast
when it hits reality.
And family. Esp family.

Say when one's "little" sister
becomes a Pampered Chef consultant
in an attempt to remain sane
through one's nephew's Terrible Twos.

(to be continued)

08/28/2015

Posted on 08/28/2015
Copyright © 2020 Rhyana Fisher

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