Am I a good mother?

by Andrea Colton

The stars are in your eyes.
Not a reflection, but a point of being.
And if the stars are in your eyes, than the ocean lives in mine.
Waves are crashing and receding.
Gentle and sometimes dreamy; thrashing, screaming.

Right and wrong are crossing wires.
Am I surpassing what was done before me?
Breaking chains that have long held me?
My sweet baby, will you think of me and smile-
Sigh with gentle, sweet abandon?
Or will you tell your stories to an unassuming
Of how I was awful and misleading;
Angry, deceiving…

Am I but a product of mistake and deeply sodden expectation?
All these demons: throbbing, itching, reeling.
Weakness, carving a piece from every moment.
Unforgotten words staining all achievements.
Is this a desert, parched and pleading?
Fighting fire with fire-
Tell me, are we burning?

How can it be? How can it be, when you came from me?
Everything I’ve done has led me to this time.
This time that is only now and never was and never will be
Anything but you and me.
Everything, and you and me,
With all your dreams.

I was an empty shell before you.
A walking shadow, ticking, imploding.
I never loved until I could love so purely.
This love, unfiltered, cognizant;
Gripping and terrifying.
I’m holding on, teeth clenched, jaw turning.
I’m holding on, we are thriving.

I am
Bigger than what was done to me.
Better than insecurities.
I will not fail you, my sweetest child, my light, my love.
I love you forever, my baby bug.

Being your mother makes me enough.


Posted on 04/29/2015
Copyright © 2018 Andrea Colton

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by LK Barrett on 05/01/15 at 12:20 AM

If it is any consolation, I have recently discovered that our children tend to be born the way they are going to be, and our principle effort is to either not to make their childhoods any more difficult than necessary, or to accept that they are sociopaths and keep them and the people around them safe. You are "bigger than what was done to you." ...and your baby who you love, will be just fine. Bless you both. lk

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