I just got a chance to read your emails and the one Jeff sent you, and I definitely need to clear some stuff up with you.

First, none of those poems were about you or any reflection on you what-so-ever. As I said, Snow White is about Grandpra Pratt - not about Dad, and not about you. I wrote that dad was a hero to me in a poetic sense because he was able to hold himself together and ask his father if he / the family, should take his life. In my mind this is no easy task. Could you hold yourself together asking Grandma Boutin the same thing? I know I couldn't if I had to ask you or dad that. That was one line of the poem reflecting on the strength dad showed in the moment, and it does not mean it reflects weakness with you.

Here is a poem I wrote about you even more recently than the one about Grandpa:


Wiser

I heard the age like a surprise in her voice for the first time.
Like a grandmother sounds when you're a child,
but as an adult it catches you off guard, and chokes you up inside
to hear that crackle in your mother's voice.

A lump sits in your own throat as you listen intently,
hanging on every word though you only listen for the voice.
The inner calmness that fades over you when you hear
a weathered stability in her shaken, crackled voice
reminds you of sanity -

Suddenly the last three years of silence seem irrational,
incomprehensible, but mostly unforgivable; yet oddly
forgiveness comes easy
because there's too little time.

Author's Note: I love you mom.

This was after we talked on the phone for the first time in years. Fort McMurray's Municipality runs a Words In Motion contest ever year for the month of April. People submit poems and the winners poems are published on their website as well as put into buses throughout the Municipality. This year I submitted the above poem which was accepted. This is a reflection on you.

You seem to think because we don't talk much about our childhood that we don't remember it, or that we only remember the negative things. It is true that there was a lot of negativity in our childhood, which I'm sure most people in the world could say, and I don't care to revisit those memories as the past is just that, in the past. I live in the moment and for the future, because that's the limited time I have left in this world and it shouldn't be wasted on regrets.

I have a better long term memory than short term. I can't remember what I had for lunch yesterday, I forget to call people back, or lose track of what I'm doing easily especially if I get caught up in a hobby project; but I can remember most of my childhood in great detail.

The majority of my bad memories come from 6 months of living with Liz. There was enough bad memories in those 6 months to fill up 10 years, and that b*tch is the main reason I choose not to revisit my childhood.

The majority of my good memories come from living with you. I remember having a really bad day on my birthday when we lived in the trailer park in Westlock. I was walking home feeling all upset then came in to a surprise party. That was fantastic.

I remember the summer I spent with you before I started Grade 6 in Boyle. We went for walks and to the peer and things. You worried about not having enough money to do much with me, but I was just happy to see you and spend time with you. You had even told her friend that I didn't ask for much. It's because I was happy just to be there.

I remember poking holes in the waterbed with scissors. I remember annoying my big brother, and I remember him sticking up for me too. I remember riding around in the yellow toy car, and freaking out when it was covered in those tiny red spiders so I was too scared to use it again. I remember playing in the sandbox at the same property, and picking berries just behind the house. I remember that cul-de-sac and a pear tree on a path between the houses, and a friend that lived up the street, and sharing oreo's with them. I remember auntie's parot, Christmas trees stacked to the 9's with gifts, and Christmas opening those pull cracker things, the holiday feasts. I remember a hundred meals you made in the kitchen there. I remember when Grandma made us an absurd amount of cookies and me and Jeff ate them all in 2 days. I remember refusing to eat my "matoe's" and making a sandwhich out of every condiment in the fridge that tasted like garbage. I remember my first introduction to Mario Bros. The amount of plants we always had in the house. A book I got about dinosaurs that I thought was the coolest thing on the planet. The picture where the three of us had light around us and you said people told you we had a glow about us that day, I remember taking that picture. I remember getting Shadow and seeing her for the first time.

I remember getting Rocky and losing him too, and blaming myself, then seeing his spirit one night when I was laying in your bed in the Barrhead 4-plex while you were babysitting the neighbors kids. I remember it scaring me and me hiding under the blanket for what felt like 10 minutes. Finally I looked again but he was gone. I later interpretted it as him coming to tell me it was okay, as even in spirit form he looked like a happy puppy.

I remember the easter egg hunt in the Westlock apartment and the giant baskets of treats. Heck mom, I remember my very first chocolate cookie when I was still in diapers and how fun it was just to make a mess with it. It was glorious.

I remember countless visits to Grandma Boutin's with family, countless. More stories than I can elaborate on there.

And yeah, I remember bad things too. A drunk ex-boyfriend demanding his socks as he smashed a kitchen window. Getting hit in the head with a rock, that was fun, great grade 5 pictures. I remember getting in a fight with Kyle when Jeff, Dad and I lived with the Woodward's and Kyle up and punched me in the stomach because I was going to visit a mutual friend (don't have any idea why he did that to this day). I also remember little girls that were heartbreakers, friends that were bullies, teachers that were jackasses, strangers that were pricks, family that was arguementative, and moments in my life where I was all of those things.

Life comes with the good, the bad, the ugly and the dysfunctional. If we dwell on the bad things we miss out on the good and I believe the worst moments in life are there so we can recognize just how good the best moments in life really are.


Difficulty

A challenge too large to face,
Mercury fends off the Sun,
with no sword or spear but
many craters as her shield.


Struggles do not need to be battles, they can be learning lessons. They can make us stronger as an individual if you let them. They can also ruin you, but you have to let them do that too.

Sure our childhood had struggles. We struggled with money, we struggled with addiction in the family, we had parents that struggled with their childhoods and each other, we had dysfunction. I challenge you to find a family that didn't have dysfunction.

Guess what? Jeff learned that he didn't want to struggle with money. He got educated, he worked hard and he made a better life for himself. He didn't want to suffer through poverty again and so he took lessons from his childhood that made him stronger.

I was bullied as a kid, picked on even through high school, and I had alcohol addiction in my late teens (binge drinking). I used yours and dads and Murray's and Grandpa's alcohol addicitons as lessons. When I felt I was drinking too much, I would make myself stop for months on end just to be sure I could. I never smoked, and though I tried weed under peer pressure a few times, I never got into drugs. Why? Because I seen what it can do to people. I didn't say, "My mom did drugs and drank, so I will too." I thought, "My family struggles with these problems and it holds them back from their dreams." And I chose not to be held back. As for being picked on; I took that as a lesson to be a better person. To be a bigger person. That combined with the excellent manners my mother taught me and my brother, I have become a person that others look up to, respect, who's opinion is valued, who's perspective is valuable. As a result, I am able to influence many people's lives around me to make them better. I know Jeff can say the same.

I'm told on a regular basis these things:

"You were raised right." "You have excellent manners." "Your parents knew what they were doing." "You're a good guy/person Jody." "The world needs more people like you." "People look up to you." "You're a kind soul." "You are a really nice person." "I need more friends like you." "You don't know how special you are." etc etc

I am positiive Jeff hears the same kinds of things all the time.

We were not born this way mom. We were raised this way. By you and dad both. Yes, you have your arguements and disputes, and no, neither of you are perfect and both of you have had major issues and flaws in your lives. HOWEVER,

when we were young you taught me and Jeff love and manners, respect for women, respect for people, patience, trust and fogiveness. Humility. You taught us to see the good in people, that the world is a good place if you let it be. You taught us strength in the face of adversity, compassion for those less fortunate, and gratitude for our health, well-being and each other. Mom, you taught us the fundementals of life that so many people in the world were never taught. If every child was raised this way, the world would be a better place.

Dad continued to teach us patience, trust, forgiveness, love and respect. He gave us freedom to make our own choices, and showed us the lessons to be learned when we went astray. He showed us that some people do not deserve our trust and respect, and that it is better to remove those people from your lives than to live at odds with them.

You both taught us humor too. So you have sons that laugh at adversity so we can grow beyond our limitations.

You both taught us honesty. I can't stress this one enough. You both instilled in us an inability to be dishonest.

You have two kids: Both finished high school. Both did post secondary despite almost no money in the family. Both pulled themselves out of debt. Both have more friends than they have time for, which is the best problem a person can have. Both love their parents and each other, and can express that love. Both are consistantly good, generous people. Neither are addicted to drugs or alcohol. Neither ended up in jail or homeless. Neither are snooty or look down on people. We are both humble and respected, intelligent and caring.

As far as I'm concerned, you two couldn't have done a better job.

Isn't it every good parents dream to raise children who are better equipped to face the world than they were? To have them live with less adversity, to avoid the mistakes they made, and to be able to do whatever they dream of?

If so, you succeeded in every parents dream.


It is time for you to stop worrying. You did it mom. You and dad both. Despite being at odds you worked together, intentionally or not, and raised damn good kids. They love you, they've always loved you, and they always will love you.

Jeff summed it up perfectly in his explanation of why you lost us for those few years. You would not tolerate ... from one of your parents. You would remove yourself from that. It is unfair to think we would not do the same.

You were the one to teach us to put ourselves in other people's shoes. To see the world from the perspective of the other person. We do this for you, we understand your struggles with your past, with smoking, with alcohol, and with having the wrong people in your life. We empathize, and we only want what is best for you. We want you to be happy each and every day. But like Jeff said, you need to make you happy each and every day.

I have many people ask me for advice. So much I should start charging. A very common theme in my advice for individuals and for relationships (friends, family, business, etc) is this:

Any relationship you have with someone, be it a family member, friend, lover or business partner, should be based on them adding value to your life.

You can not be happy with someone else until you are happy all by yourself.

You can not have a relationship with someone if you depend on them to provide your happiness. It isn't fair for them, they know this, and they will distance themselves from you.

So, find a way to be happy without relying on another person for that happiness. Then add people to your life that add value to your life. That is to say, that add to the experience of life that you are already experiencing. If they have a negative value: negative attitude, down talkers, leeches, self-loathers, alcoholics, gamblers, etc, you should remove them from your life.


I need to get back to work but I hope you can appreciate how much we appreciate you mom. We might not say it enough, but it's because it seems self-evident to us that we love and appreciate you.


Even Ground

This is the pillar that falls beneath me
crumbled and in ruin;
laid out beside my shattered self.

I lay here surprised and barely alive,
it seems the pile of rubble stands taller
than I ever have.

The dust of the column smothers my skin
and I choke on the soot in the air.
It seems that crumbs of support linger,
and I cough on their floating repair.

Through the haze of reminder
I see shadows grow closer.
Unable to sink any lower, now I know fear;
pray they don't come too near.

The shadows are enemies in a fog of family
and friends who held me up there.
I had failed to see, without them I'd fall
and now I have lost that sturdy pillar.

My arrogance depletes me but
no enemy defeats me
because my pillar helps me disappear.

As my world crumbles
I can be thankful
that those who love me
will always be here.

03/21/2015

Posted on 03/31/2015
Copyright © 2024 Jody Pratt