At first I grabbed a shovel...
Started digging
Until the earth broke way
And changed
Into various shades of brown
And then slowly into black

It's hard to breathe
When your heart is heavy
Hard to smile,
Hard to laugh...
It's hard to do anything
Aside from dig

I'm burying myself alive
And it feels good
to let the ground
Give way beneath me
To sink instead of swim
To take it all lying down

At least the burning dust in my lungs
Makes me feel something
Something means I'm still alive
So I keep digging
While my lungs
And my legs
And my shoulders
Burn like fire

And I wonder why I'm never satiated
I'm never silent
Never still
Always searching
Finding meanings
Losing, waiting, watching,
lost

And the black got even darker
And I stood there
Wishing for some light
Some...
Peace of mind
Or knowledge
Or understanding
Or anything really

But I've stopped now
No more wishing
No more wanting
No more needing

I found the strength
To breathe through the pain
And to release
With every breath
The anxious
And the questions
And the sadness
And the restless

And now I'm free

I have released it all
Like mice in the cotton fields
And I'm watching the hawks
As they circle overhead
Honing in on their prey

And I think I'll stay here awhile
Feel the desert floor across my back
Maybe I will rollover
Onto my belly
And count one by one
as the mice get snatched
From the safety of the weeds

Feel the wind
On my face
Feel the sun
Feel the clouds
Watch them darken the sky with color
As day turns to night

Throw my shovel into the blackness
And bury it alive
Pushing handfuls
Of black brown mud
Red brown clay
Golden sand
Onto the casket

And now
Just this very moment
I can't help but smile...

01/15/2015

Posted on 01/16/2015
Copyright © 2026 Britt Zimmerman