ACT 1


He pulled into his old parking spot. His car was covered with many bird turds. Huge ones! It's as if the birds in the local vicinity preferred his 2002 Nissan Altima.

"If you need to shit gang, shit on this guys car!"

"All this shit will just push him over the edge!" Another bird said. The birds began to chuckle.

He walked up the stairs to his old apartment and took out his keys, the keys were old and worn just like he was. Inside it was all just the same. His wife was at the seat of his computer. The one that nobody was supposed to use but him.

"What's up with all this hairy pussy porn? I also see that you a joined a lesbian dating website? You're not even female!"

He shrugged his shoulders and went into the kitchen.

Don't ignore me, she said from the other room, we'll talk about this later!"

The kitchen was a mess. Dishes everywhere.

"Christ, didn't she do anything?"

She was fat, two kids, do you blame her?"

She also didn't work anymore, she was taking classes online. One day she would have her associates degree.

"Ever since 2008, it's hard to find a good paying job, she would say."

He started in on the dishes. Nobody liked to wash dishes around here.

His two daughters were in the other room. They were starting to look like his wife. Fat, boring, ignorant. They listened to rap music too. He didn't like rap music. He didn't have a problem with rap music, he just didn't like rap music. They were playing rap music loud.

"Ain't nothing but a G thing bitch." He heard one of them say.

"Girls, dinner is ready!"

His wife didn't cook anymore. She didn't clean or do laundry. She didn't do anything.

"Goddamnit, are we having hamburger helper again? Zoey said.

Zoey was his older daughter. She was fifteen.

"I hate hamburger helper, Chrissy said. Goddamnit to hell!"

Chrissy was thirteen. He was worried about Chrissy. He feared she would turn out to be a slut.

"Girls, hamburger helper is nutritious. It provides you kids with much needed protein!"

His wife walked into the kitchen. She looked bored. "I'm not eating tonight, I'm on a diet."

She grabbed a diet coke from the fridge and went back to his computer. Maybe she would find more porn.

"Girls, did you learn anything in school today?"

"Fuck you dad, you never cared before, why start now?"

Chrissy interrupted, "dad this hamburger helper is horrible, why can't we go out?"

"Chrissy, ever since your mother stopped working, times have been difficult."

"I hate you dad, I hope you die and snakes eat your eyes!" Chrissy ran to her room.

"You're a real asshole, Zoey said." She also left, and went to her room

At least you have you're own rooms, he thought. Plus you have a nutritious goddamn meal! He screamed back

He cleaned up dinner and did the dishes. His wife was in the other room. She was listening to her music. Enya, Sarah McLachlan, Dido, Natalie Merchant. It was like lilith fair 24 hours a day.

He felt ill.

"I found more porn!" She said as he walked into the room.

"Who is BJQUEEN?"

"Oh, her?"

"Yeah, you get off on this sick shit?"

"No, I just find her interesting. She meets random guys from craigslist and sucks them off in her apartment while she videos it."

"Who the fuck does that?"

"Apparently she does. What I find interesting is her apartment. It's flithy and you can hear babies crying in the background"

"That's fucked up."

Yeah, tell me about it. During one video the baby crying is so loud she has to stop sucking dick! Then she goes to babies room, smacks it a few times, calls it a stupid baby cunt and comes back."

"Does she continue with the blowjob?"

"Of course she continues the blowjob! She's a pro!"

"Disgusting!"

"Listen Grace, I'm going to go bar. I need a drink, it's been a long day."

"You're not supposed to drink and drive."

"Yeah I know, I'm just going to have one beer."

"You never drink just one beer!"



ACT 2


Inside a car a man can be a man. He put on Bad Company, rolled down the window, lit a cigarette and drove along singing.

"At's why day call me bad company, I'm bad company baby, I can't deny!"

"Till da day I die!"

"Oh yeah, yeah."

The ride to the bar was nice. He could feel the air in his hair as he drove along.

Inside the bar he ordered a beer. The bartender looked stupid. Bartenders always look stupid.

The bar was like any neighborhood bar. Lonely guys watching sports and two fat girls giggling. After his second drink he got up to play the juke box. The place was dead.

"No Humble Pie? No Free? No Traffic? Shit, what kind of place is this?"

They had the best of the Guess who. So guess what? He played "American Woman."

He started dancing around. Nobody seemed interested. There was a baseball game on.

"Fuck the Dodgers!" Who wants to fight?" Nobody responded

He walked over to the two fat giggling girls. He started playing air guitar.

"American woman, get away, don't hang around my door anymore, listen to what I say!"

They stopped laughing. "Can you please get away!"

"Shit baby, dont cha know who I am?"

No, and we don't care who you are. Please leave!"

"Alright ladies, a man knows when he aint wanted."

At the end of the bar he found a seat next to an old man who looked around eighty-five years old. He ordered a few drinks before the old man spoke.

"You know what the women want?"

"No."

The old man stuck two fingers in his face.

'Your hand?"

"No!"

"What?"

"These two fingers!"

"Women want your two fingers?"

"You're goddamn right they do!"

He drank a few more drinks. The old man didn't say anything. Then as if something struck him, the old man stuck two fingers in his face again and smiled.

"You're two fingers?"

"Goddamn right!"

He had a few more drinks. Well I better get home. Have to work in the morning. Have to pay bills and provide for my loving family.

He had trouble finding his keys. They were in his pockets. Where else could they be?

Inside the car he felt like a man again. He turned up Bad Company and started home.

After a few blocks he started feeling ill again. He thought of his fat wife drinking diet coke and his daughters listening to rap music and talking ghetto. He didn't want to go home. He didn't want to go to work in the morning. He didn't want to go anywhere, anymore. He didn't know what to do.

At first he didn't know what to make of it. Then after a few blocks it was fun. He had his car up on the sidewalk, plowing down trash cans and mailboxes. Anything he could hit. It was all fair game.

He turned up his music. "Bad Company, till the day I die."

He managed a few more blocks before he saw cops. At first he thought it was a fire engine. He saw the flashing lights and pulled over.

"Better make way for those firemen."

Then he realized they were coming for him.

"Shit!"

He got back on the curb and started smashing into trash cans. Might as well get few more while I'm at it.

It all happened so quickly. He was surrounded by cop cars with angry cops pointing guns at him.

"Fuck you, he screamed. I'm walking on sunshine!"

He reached for his wallet and that's when he heard the sound of a gun.

06/29/2014

Author's Note: All the vocals were performed by me.

Posted on 06/29/2014
Copyright © 2026 Artur Desruisseaux