i couldnt function,
and on good advice,
i was told
to fake it till i make it.

well, maybe i wasnt told,
but i assumed that as my motto
to cope.

because when your instincts
tell you to react one way,
and every other normal human being
reacts a different way,
and you are not really functioning
because of that divergence,
well...
you have to find a way.

so,

every moment in my head is analyzed,
every passing comment directed toward me
is considered on the basis
of
'oh here is a human interaction'
input: received
(response calculated, based on previous
observation of like situations'
output: delivered
operation successful.

but i am exhausted.
too many variables,
too much discrepancy between
instinct and actuality.

i am succeeding where i have not succeeded before,
and at each rung of this ladder,
the pressure increases.

now, my expression is not matching,
and somehow this must be factored.
yet another puzzle piece to be worried over,
manipulated to achieve normalcy.

i am told i do not smile enough,
i am told i look stressed,
when the system is not warning me of agitation.

the effort increases,
the energy decreases.

i dont even know how i feel anymore.
fake it till you make it
make it fake till you feel it?
feel fake till you fail?

fail
fail
fail
abort
abort
abort

invalid response.
file not found.
error.

07/12/2013

Author's Note: i dont know what this is...this is my attempt to figure out whats going on with me. maybe i was just born broken, and no amount of farce will ever make anyone believe anything else.

Posted on 07/12/2013
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