I am a grade "junkie"

When I do something;
I want to do it right

I think I always thought
I had to get high grades

Even BEFORE I knew
for sure I was handicapped
I was smart enough
to know there was
"off". I was definitely
different

To some kids I seemed
snobby- I was painfully shy
I never thought I was ""likable"

I thought other kids
could see my handicap
most of the time
I was wrong


In Grade School,
I "passed" for normal

It became more difficult
in High School
I was terrible
at judging
whether people
liked me or not

I had low self esteem
coupled with no self confidence
I was ALWAYS ready to apoligize
....for anything

If someone was in a bad mood
I thought I had done something
I never lacked for friends
I had dates

BUT I was aware
that I was playing
a game
acting
pretending
to be normal

I was breaking down

I could not control
my body
so...
I became obsessed with
my weight

I could and did contol that

he old adage
"You cannot be too thin"
became my mantra
and as per me
I took it
to the nth
degree

It was all too easy
for me
to lose weight
Everyone is good at something
I was losing weight
I became bullemic
and I could not stop
I was addicted
to losing weight
no matter how
many people told me
I did not look good,
I could not stop

It came down
to one thing
I NEEDED to control
at least one thing

I became out of control
I had married
I became pregnant
I stopped

I remember
my Doctor saying
"gain one pound;
just one pound"
Had NO choice

I paid for my addiction
parts of my body
would never return
and after my child
was born
I did not have time for
such nonsense
to this day;
I do not feel hunger

I eat to live
I eat by the clock

....and then one day
it happened
My neck started turning
to the right...
and down
The CP I was born with
was morphing into
a rare Neurological condition
and there was no way to fight it
It seemed to take over my life

It was no-one's fault
I blamed the only person
I could blame:
me

There's no more
passing for normal
those days are long gone

I have failed
Life 101
Life For Dummies
The Most important course
...and I failed

I don't know why I
even took it
I lacked ambition
and motivation
But being the grade junkie
I am.....

12/16/2012