snippets from an unfulfilled life
by Ava Blu
i don't feel like i've been anywhere lately that matters.
things have been building up in the back of my closet but i don't know where to take the mess.
i don't know where to get rid of clutter hanging from the ceiling.
it's all become something strange, this life of going nowhere i haven't forgotten.
it all seems depressing, yet i only feel optimistic when i dream about the future.
when we take our clothes off to have sex, the air inside changes. an open window
brings joy into something sacred. i feel no shame from the blinds being
slightly open and our loudness creeping up the sky to our neighbor's open
windows. when you look at me during this love-making, i wonder if your
thoughts are of the night in a hotel room when you woke me up at 3am. i wonder if
you're seeing my body glowing from the light of the pool at my mother's house.
i wonder if you taste the wine from the night you proposed.
after years of avoiding doctors, i have made the first step. this small lump under
my breast is now accompanied by another. has it moved, i wonder.
why does it not hurt, i dare not ask aloud. i am frightened of having my breasts smothered by a doctor who will not notice my nipples.
i want to fill the place with audrey hepburn. i want her face all over the walls.
i want to wake up and wear her breakfast at tiffany's glasses and hat.
i want to pretend to be deaf when someone remarks how ill-fitting everything looks on me.
i want to plug my ears with bloody napkins just until i do something right with the potential you say exists.
i spend all my money on things. things i hope will help me smile.
the money is supposed to be for our wedding, a wedding that clings to my lungs and sucks every breath from me.
i avoid leaving because i'm waiting for my packages. everything piles up until the smell overshadows the reason why we came.
i don't think your face can understand why i do these things. i don't know if you should even try.
i did not make the appointment because i needed new glasses.
i made it so you could see me in the light of a fresh start.
i'll likely add to this one day
Posted on 11/16/2012
Copyright © 2021 Ava Blu