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words that belong somewhere

by Ava Blu

i'm not moved like i used to be. it isn't that the world is less of a wonder, it's just that i ask less questions now. they seem to annoy those i love in a way i never expected. a day consists of watching netflix, maybe some yoga, always baking/cooking, and the occasional excuse to head to the grocery store. maybe it sounds more boring than it actually is. i mean, at least i have love now. not some sappy, fake bullshit where you end up in separate beds before you can even decide why you were angry in the first place. no, this is a marriage. something i honestly don't know much about. i do still find myself angry about odd things now and less so with others. the way the bedroom never gets cold enough bothers me. but the sirens coming through the open window don't. the rain forcing me to close the windows irks me, but not being able to fall asleep before sunrise doesn't. is this how it feels when you've gone three years without a job? everything gets mixed up. you find yourself baking biscuits and not feeling like it'll all end in disaster. we've been here for over two months now and i haven't found a public place yet that i fit into. i haven't really looked either. tomorrow (later today) i'd planned to find that place, or just a place. and of course here it is 4 am and i am wide awake. i can blame that on an upset stomach. i can even blame it on a neighbor making noise. but i think it's anxiety. the same anxiety that is keeping me from making a doctor's appointment, even though i finally have health insurance after being without it for over three years. we really are afraid of things. but i am not afraid of the unknown. yes, there is a bump or lump or something under my breast and no, it does not hurt which is supposedly a sure sign of it being something serious. it's been there for a year now, at least, from what i know. i am not afraid of never finding out what it is. i am afraid i already know. of course it could turn out to be harmless, but what kind of reality would that be? i've not met anyone here. yet. ..... that word, 'yet'. it fucking bothers me. i don't talk to hardly anyone aside from amore mio. i have tried. i have emailed, texted, called, facebook messages sent, etc. hardly anyone has time for me. or, worse, they choose. or they chose. doesn't matter. one of my sisters hasn't called me since i moved. i called her once. my mother hasn't called me in two weeks. and my nieces and nephews are growing up so quickly...i am missing all of it. little Zane will likely not recognize me when i, hopefully, get to see him in december. but. but i am in love. and we have been together for over a year now. finally something right. just right. and i may not have been employed in three years, but i do have money and we are doing well here. i just... i just want to be moved by something again. i want to be so full of words that i can't sleep. words that i can make dance again. i really want to make everything dance again.


Posted on 10/19/2012
Copyright © 2020 Ava Blu

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by A. Paige White on 10/19/12 at 01:14 PM

Wow, Ava. This really touched me. Woman to woman I'm asking you to get yourself checked. Regardless of what they find, you have the final sayso over where it goes from there. You don't have to do anything you dont want to. If you go early, you keep some options open, where if you don't, you might not. I guess I relate to this so well because I've faced several of my greatest fears, with all the related anxiety, and I'm not going to pretend I handled it well. Many times I handled it in the worst possible ways. I hope for your sake, you give yourself some options and go early. Big hugs and kudos for putting this out there. Takes a lot of courage to share something this personal and potentially devastating even if it's only temporary.

Posted by Sarah Wolf on 11/01/12 at 12:35 PM

Well you found a few words anyways :)

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