we had been laying together in bed -
our first night spent together
until dawn
in thirteen years –
& you made an ‘eep’noise, hopping up onto yr knees
in a blink, swatting at yr hair
& I saw there was a tiny spider
desperately trying to get away from
the whole scene he had caused
&
for some reason, I tried to quickly calm you,
saying ‘oh, don’t worry about it, it’s JUST a spider’
drawing the words out with belabored calm,
placing maximum effort on seeming unconcerned...

you shot me this smirk & eye-roll, saying ‘uh,

I know it’s just a spider, silly...it just surprised me’

& now realizing that you were not terrified
in the slightest

I dropped the manly façade & danced anxiously around in my socks
on the hardwood floor, mouthing exaggerated shivers & hopping about,
looking for a shoe to smash it with:
‘where are my FUCKING slaps? dammit...’

when you heard my intentions you squawked disapproval,
yr voice cracking precisely in the way I remember
from the day you told me, sobbing & reeling from my
horrible accusation,

to get out
to not come back

but at the time of the spider’s dash,
things moved too fast &
only now, writing, can I connect it
& feel the pitiless wound that
this sound has for so long
outlined &
simultaneously
filled

what overwhelms me now, though,
& makes me have to stop &
hear myself breathing for a moment

isn’t groveling around in this
rotten goodbye,
but knowing
that your gorgeous little
squawk, your broken whisper
of outrage

is now just another thing to
swim around in
& hold dearly
in the same way I held yr
head,
with deliberate care,

the night that the spider
momentarily drove the bravery
right out of me

10/12/2011

Posted on 09/06/2012
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