PART I

she looked like a troll

in her profile picture, so I got there early

to have a few drinks, you know, to ease the pain

I don't consider myself

HOT

so fuck off, if you think I'm being a prick

anyway,

she sent me a text when she got there

"I'm wearing hot pink and blue"

"I'm not" I texted her back

finally she was sitting next to me

"Nick, is that you?"

I covered my face and turned away

"ha, ha"

we ordered drinks

she ordered a vodka 7 and I ordered another whiskey with beer chaser

"so what do you do?" she asked me

"I'm a full time student, studying business, I want to be a corporate prick when I grow up"

"but you're already grown"

"I know"

we had a few more drinks and then someone started playing stupid music

"what's this shit?" I asked the bartender

"kid rock"

"fuck kid rock in the ass"

she laughed

"let's skip it"

then another kid rock song came on

"fuckkkkk!"

"someone's going to get mad" the bartender said

"skip it baby"

then,

there was sweet silence

"jesus christ that kid rock sounds like someone taking a shit right into my goddamn ears"

the lady next to me laughed

my date was outside talking to the baby sitter

I had a few minutes

there was a pen on the bar so I drew a picture of a guy ejaculating on a woman's face on a cocktail

napkin with the word "YOU" and slid it towards the lady next to me

she laughed again "ha, ha, ha"

finally my date came back and she showed me pictures of her kids on her phone

3 kids to be exact

the first was a boy

"ah boy" I said

the next was a girl

"ah girl" I said

then another boy

"another boy"

so finally

yeah,

we went to another bar

with karaoke

PART II

"I need to be back by 1 am" my date said

"Why? Do you turn into a goddamn pumpkin?"

"no but I only paid the sitter for 3 hours"

we had more drinks......... of course

I stuck with my whiskey and beer chasers

and do you know what she ordered?

any guesses?

mmm?

one of those girly drinks with an umbrella

so anyway

she started singing karaoke

and do you know what she sang?

any guesses?

mmm?

a kelly clarkson song

so I was sitting there

too shy to sing myself

and she was singing to a full bar

and midway through the song

these black guys started dancing with her

and by the time the song was over

she had 3 black men

humping her legs

"that was excellent" I told her

"yeah I know" she said "people don't know this, but I can really sing"

"yes you most certainly can" I said

then it was 1 am

and she went home

and I went back to the first bar

and that lady I was sitting next to said "look who's back"

and I sat down

08/19/2012

Posted on 08/19/2012
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