i am told to just write, just put something down, and i think that is how i always have been doing it. at least when i am not doing it for school. i find myself writing for myself without really thinking much about what i am writing. it's just this idea when i close my eyes, actually, and just write because it's the same as being blind but not because if you have never been blind then you can never know how it is and there are times when i see things beside me circling they are sharks they are making fun of me but i only taste the spice in the air and i always use so many and so many so's so many everything without paying much attention to it and the book says just write, just do it, don;t hold back don't go back to correct any mistakes who cares about punctuation right now but i can't really do that, i can't really ignore the things circling, the things i messed up, the way i see people keep approaching, how many people can there be back there? i don't really know. and i wish someone was with me, my husband, my lover, my soulmate. and i look around at everyone while i write without ever looking at my screen and this is how i write this is how i do it because i can and i am not looking at the screen i am watching someone watch me while i type in what seems like a frantic way, the way it all moves around me, and i am sure it seems as though i am writing drivel but i am not and if only you could see me like this, see me writing without ever looking. and earlier there was a guy here who i know i went to school with and i do not recall him being mentally challenged, but he definitely is now and maybe he always was now as i think about it because i kind of remember him being in elementary school with me and now i see him, i recognize his face and i know i knew him at one point but never did i really talk to him, i think, and is it not interesting the way people change or never change and i do keep correcting the typos that i can feel myself make as i type because why not? and i wonder if my friend steve-o will even show up? maybe not since i am here maybe corry is a no show, too.

and i become weak at times when i let everyone else see my eyes and i do not watch the screen or maybe that makes me more strong the way i can write down about everyone because why not and sometimes i think i really could be anything anywhere about everything without much of a stretch. but who knows, really.

someone not from here asked about food and i told him about the thai place that we go to, we love, and hopefully he enjoys it, too, but i make no guarantees. and how is it that i can hear everything else around me yet still write these things down. how is it that i know exactly what is going on around me and still write what i wish to write.

today in my history class we discussed genetics and intelligence and whether certain things are more genetic or environmental. this idea of nature versus nurture. i think it is more about nurture than nature but who i am to say really. and maybe i really am brilliant like my christopher says i am, but does that not make me vain if i think this? maybe we all should think it.

i see devon again, the mentally challenged from high school from elementary school and i think about that poem that is always in my brain about getting back to zero and sometimes my brain is just too fast.

04/02/2012

Author's Note: this is me writing whatever is on my mind, not caring how it sounds or looks, just doing it.

Posted on 04/02/2012
Copyright © 2026 Ava Blu