I want to be better at dinner parties. This is my newest insecurity. Everyone in my life is really good at interacting with strangers and starting up interesting conversations. I am in the corner, peeling back my cuticles, my face covered in red wine. I am thinking about whether or not I paid my gas bill while the impeccably dressed girl next to me is eloquently comparing the particle collider with her college education.

I do not have the immediate quips of my comrades. I am stacking up good things to say on note cards and forgetting the appropriate jargon. I am hoping somebody brought hard liquor and a little bit of weed, and cannot follow which side of the political debate I should be supporting.

Chances are, I will get a little tipsy. I will begin to feel really intelligent about four drinks in, and then my voice will elevate enough so that totally put together and classy girl #1 exchanges looks with ivy leave graduate hoping to get laid guy #3 and they will politely excuse each other probably to go “oh my dear lord did you hear that girl going on about the logistics of the Tasmanian devil’s whirlwind in conjunction with the republican tea party?” Then they will go to the guest budoir and bump uglies on the day bed but their moans will sound like “oh! Oh my! Was that me? Oh dear? Did I just queef? Terribly sorry. Oh my!” and I will stand up, probably on a chair, and go “AWWW SHIT SOMEBODY’s FUCKIN!”
And the hostess will say, “oh hon, don’t stand on that chair, it’s from pottery barn. You’re not driving are you?” and she will lead me to the door, while everyone else stands around and remarks on the china.

I will never be old enough to notice silverware. I am better suited at the kids table, where I can eat my macaroni with my hands and no one will try to talk to me about things I can only pretend to care about.

Let us grill burgers and watch cartoons. I will spill something all over my dress and no one will cluck their tongue worriedly. Look at yourself, you humanoid vessels devoid of all linear thought, laugh at yourselves once in a while. I imagine you all have a very hard time taking a shit. I’ll be at the bar.

07/07/2011

Posted on 07/07/2011
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