27yo Pansexual Deity ISO 20-29yo Equal

by S. Pelham Flood

This is craigslist
therefore you aren't going to believe
97.3% of what is written in this ad.
That will be your mistake.

Young professional
(cliche I know, but still)
focused on building
I own and people pay me rent
but I lack ambition.
Work? Who the hell wants to do that.

Honestly, I organize my life
around a leisure schedule
that rivals Marilyn Monroe's
and George W Bush's.

I'm a lucky guy. That makes
smart decisions.

Oh, but I suppose you want imagery!
I stand 5'10" but look 6'3"
(it's all about the confidence!)
Mahogany brown curls frame
my perfect non-botoxed forehead.
My brows (they have their own modeling career)
are natural, with a shape that salon customers
only dare dream of.

My emerald-mountain-lake eyes are deep,
When past lovers were interviewed
by my biographer, they would recall
that gazing into my eyes
is like being in the presence
of the original "Starry Night"
(yes, the one by the anxiety prone,
Dutch, post-impressionist painter).

My jaw-line is decidedly Athenian
and always shaded by rugged 2-day growth.
Complimenting my natural odor:
fresh chopped wood
and a tropical salt breeze.

My torso is carved
from hand-made soap blocks,
with lines reminiscent
of the Parthenon
(for a more modern reference:
a Mercedes Benz AMG C63 sedan).

And just so you don't think
I'm one of those gym-pumped torsos
atop two forgotten toothpicks for legs…
my legs are the human equivalent
of a clydesdale's, with much less fur
and feet that won't make you vomit
if you saw them in sandals
(but only nerds wear sandals…
real men wear flip-flops).

Well, I was going to write about how romantic
and family-oriented I am. And how great
I would treat you (with a bullet-point list of the many ways I dote).
But, as I already said, I don't like to work
and the classifieds charge by the word!
(Oh right, this is craigslist…)

Still, if I talk too much more
you'll think I'm arrogant,
narcissistic, a lying douche,
completely self-obsessed,
self-important…and on and on
till I've exhausted every "insult"
that the have-nots throw
at all the beautiful people.

SO, shoot me a message
and i'll buy you a beer
(all genders welcome!)
that you'll end up paying for
because I'll conveniently
"forget" my wallet.



Posted on 06/16/2011
Copyright © 2024 S. Pelham Flood

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by James Cavet on 07/21/11 at 07:16 AM

"Still, if I talk too much more you'll think I'm arrogant, narcissistic, a lying douche, completely self-obsessed, self-important…and on and on" Hm, and he's not??? Ha, this is very good. I love the strange but simply descriptive imagery that calls to mind a lot of satire.

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