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My fires out (haiku)
by Matt OdellMissing that fire.
Snuffed out ambitions leave me
alone in the dark.
04/19/2011 Author's Note: my first haiku, feedback especially desired!
Posted on 04/19/2011
Copyright © 2026 Matt Odell
| Member Comments on this Poem |
| Posted by Jeffrey Parren on 04/19/11 at 10:38 AM I know this feeling well, especially recently. Try omitting "leave me"...~JPP |
| Posted by E. A. Pugh on 04/19/11 at 04:29 PM Your haiku is great and really gets the feeling across.
I have had some fun with haiku by just mixing it up. Maybe having a few extra lines and switching the around in different orders to make something new. Write On!
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| Posted by Linda Fuller on 04/19/11 at 08:40 PM I like this. And, thinking about Jeffrey's comment, I like (at least today) the double hit of "leave me" - leave me and leave me alone. |
| Posted by Charlie Morgan on 04/19/11 at 11:02 PM ...small notices...wonderful use of the word 'that'..."makes the moment stop for viewing by the reader"... and the 'leave me' words work for me...i see jeff's point. old masters Issa,
Boson, et al. would stop at ambitions because that is a powerful three words...and leave me extends it too much in the old form...but in street slang: they be different. welcome and happy haikuing. |
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