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when pretending becomes a problem
by Ava Blu
she brought me a pair of pants i bought years ago and could never wear
clothes from a different Ava,
a person who was pretending she could fit into anything;
now, as i have come full circle, i can wear them without pretending
but i spent nine months pretending to be someone else
i got lost along the way and started believing i could be that person,
i could be all those things i said i was
dreaming each night of a different life
playing pretend
now she brings me these pants, smiling
she says this should make me happy
this should make me ignore everything else she ever said to me,
let's pretend she never called me worthless
and she never, ever, said i'd always be fat
i always felt invisible
but they'll tell you i chose to be,
i wanted to fade into every wall like a decorative painting
no one ever cared to see up close
that was me,
a piece of furniture collecting dust in the attic
and no one remembered it was there
i don't know who i have been
it melts together, each face for each year
and this body that's changed too many times to even be recognizable now
you don't see me
i am living in a bubble of waste by-products
my hands are fading, my eyes getting lost in the wind
and somewhere, someone, is forgetting my name
at least i'm no longer ugly on the outside
my hair is a coconut dream
and my stomach is flat
i have years of wrinkles that have yet to settle anywhere
but i wait for them
every morning, i stare into the mirror searching for a sign of age
i'll laugh when she commends me for being able to fit into something
i bought so many years ago
i'll laugh when she asks me to have a drink with her
and pretend we're taking a dip in the pool
i'll let her pretend to care
while i pretend i don't.
01/08/2011 Posted on 01/08/2011
Copyright © 2026 Ava Blu
| Member Comments on this Poem |
| Posted by Sarah Wolf on 01/09/11 at 01:03 PM Sometimes I think we have parts of our selves that are not always able to be expressed in every environment. Sometimes I think in this world it is difficult to be our true selves... and I think sometimes we split in an attempt to save it. perhaps often. It is nice when we can merge these parts into a whole. I have done my share of pretending.
A well thought out expression Ava. I like it. And I love the coconut dream. |
| Posted by Paul Lastovica on 01/09/11 at 04:21 PM perhaps even in the make-believe we are expressing some part of ourself; maybe the parts we like least. perhaps somewhere in the masquerade we learn something vital about ourselves, and others about us - if either party is paying attention... Odd ducks, all. I'm traveling off base, aren't I? |
| Posted by Stephan Anstey on 01/10/11 at 03:16 PM bloody good. The last four stanzas are mind-blowing. |
| Posted by Quentin S Clingerman on 02/19/11 at 02:33 AM Says to me that we build defenses against ourselves as well as others. Sometimes the real us peeks through. But lack of selfconfidence keeps us from being vulnerable. |
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