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Tips, Please?

by Eric Seligmann

If I could afford it,
I would eat fish every day
If I could afford it,
I would buy me a prostitute

But I'm broke
It's no joke
I have nothing to smoke

I'm a day late and a dollar short
I have nothing to smoke and nothing to snort
No weed, coke, or LSD
Maybe a shot of Jager, please?
Blondie, redhead, or Japanese
Hope that bitch don't have STDs

If I could afford it,
I would move very far away
If I could afford it,
I would buy me a chimpanzee

But I'm broke
It's no joke
I have nothing to smoke

I'm a day late and a dollar short
I have nothing to smoke and nothing to snort
No sex or love, just misery
Why does God keep shittin' on me?
Radiator, brake lines, or I'm hitting trees
And why is my bed infested with fleas?

I came in here because it's warm
I beat some guy at the door
Bruised and bloody, I stole his guitar
Now put some tips in my jar

I'm a day late and a dollar short
I have nothing to smoke and nothing to snort
No shoes or coat, maybe I'll freeze
Why wont someone just kill me?
Salmon, sea eel, or seaweed,
I just want to eat my sushi!

And just remember
All it takes is the right girl,
The right friends, the right bar,
and they will christen your dumpster

12/05/2010

Author's Note: Song used as an opening song. This is how the song was originally written down on paper, but it is one of those that change all the time. The four lines after "I'm a day late and a dollar short, I have nothing to smoke and nothing to snort" can change to anything, along with the lines after "If I could afford it". The song is different almost every time we play and is designed to get a few chuckles rippling through the room. And FYI: None of us actually do any drugs, so we aren't promoting drug use. Just pure entertainment :-)

Posted on 12/06/2010
Copyright © 2021 Eric Seligmann

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by Joe Cramer on 12/06/10 at 04:37 AM

... brilliant.....

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