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at the middle of a one-way conversation to chelsey/spirituality

by Matthew Sharp

....like walking into a forest and closing your eyes
just to find a smile on your face and a certain peace in your heart
like eternal sunshine...
i often walk on the shore of lake michigan to hear the waves coming ashore
and the sound influences my thoughts in ancient awareness
and memories of my ancestors...
i would listen to the rain and imagine my ancestors doing the same
and i would get so lost in thought that i would open my eyes
and prepare to put out my families fire for the night
just to 'come to' and realize that im sitting in front of a t.v.....
i used to think in dreams i had the ability to connect sight with sound....
and so i would use that same method of listening to the waves and the rain
except instead i would look at moss growing on a rock
and get so lost in thought i would transcend the memories of my ancestors
and feel alive like a single celled organism, like a bacteria
swaying to the comfortable path and direction of replication and mating...

when i was a kid i would gaze at the stars and extend myself across the universe
until my imagination collapsed like a wavelength,
like the ripples from dropping a rock in the water died out
because i didnt make a big enough splash to keep the momentum up....
for so many years ive done this 'instinctual' gazing at the stars thing
and eventually i had the strength in awareness
to have the momentum to permeate the universe as if it was nothing
into what i thought was the multi-verse but years later learned
that it was the omniverse...
i celebrated on that day
because it cleared up a lot of confusion that i had in my soul....
the same confusion that led to some of my misdeeds,
womanizing, drug use and lying about all of it etc....
a day of enlightenment that can come only once in this lifetime...
as you may have already guessed (because you know me)
i couldnt stop at an omniverse....
eventually i found 'death' and the 'echo' it sent back
burrowed a deep burden in me
the same way that a 'black-hole' is a burden to its neighborhood...
but i also found 'life' in a way that i could never explain
without totally embarrassing myself with the 'anti-ego',
sensuality and intimacy it takes to explain it...
I would have to continue typing this forever to fully explain this journey...
like calculating infinity, the calculation never stops
but the observation of it does...
when its aware enough to see through time
and eternalize the infinite outside of its meager boundaries....

12/04/2010

Author's Note: i miss talking to you:( so theraputic....

Posted on 12/04/2010
Copyright © 2021 Matthew Sharp

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