Death is a fictional thing
along with the rest
of my experiences
both occurred and imagined
that have evaporated
into my mind
and rain down onto my eyes
both physical and the mind's
without warning
and often without knowing.

The living in the moment
with a blind eye to the past
leads a person
down the similar paths
and tendencies
that lead him to this point already
creating a loop of stasis.

Living in the past
with the inability to see the current
maddens the mind
with the questions
about missed opportunities.

Living in the future
that has yet to happen
makes point B unattainable
since the imagined
is rarely as it happens
and thus living a life
of memories
that have never happened.

Encompassing all three in harmony
is the obvious ambition
but the experiences already lived
sometimes haunt the present
and allow the future to never happen.

Where do I fit in all this?

Every time I see a family together
I dream of times spent with mine
as I grew up
and also of the times spent
with the one I have developed
even though it does not exist.

Every time a character passes
in a tv show or movie
I'm instantly
at my mother's deathbed
seeing her there
somewhat at peace
yet somehow still grasping
at more which had yet to happen.

Every time I see a couple
in that romantic comedy
or the ones I wait on
I usually see the happiness
I currently do not know
that I used to think I knew
and that I am unsure
I will ever again.

Every time I make memories,
either the big building blocks
or the ones quickly forgotten,
I still envision them all
even if things
had not occurred
or happened differently
because they encompass me.

Such unbalance reigns over me
as my mind wanders
across the landscape of my time
so much
it almost feels like the monster
is stronger than my being
controlling where I go
and who I should become
but cannot.

11/22/2010

Author's Note: Still needs to be polished...thoughts on improvement welcomed!

Posted on 11/22/2010
Copyright © 2024 Jeffrey Parren