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the answer was yes all along (collab with Gabriel Ricard)

by Ava Blu

I swear there’s something wrong
with that space heater. I’m thinking you might have
broken it or just picked up some faulty machinery
from that guy up the street who’s in great shape
because his shopping cart is missing three wheels.

I don’t know. Maybe I complain too much.
That can't possibly be your fault.

-It never gets hot enough to burn anything down
the way I hoped it would.

-You scoffed when I gave the man the $3.11 he requested,
saying that's exactly how much a 40 costs at the store next to the laundry mat.
Maybe he did reek of beer,
but the story of his daughter needing gas to get to the clinic hit a string.
I imagine she's only going in for an abortion
or some way to change the luck of her voodoo doll.

That’s another thing. You’re too kind. Most people change
the names of the lovers who are relegated to the stars.
You remember every name you gave them as a child,
every feeling of getting just decades close to the right one.

You’re too kind, too good for the likes of me.

I can’t shake my tone of voice
or the way I slam the door in my sleep.

-What becomes of those we forget?
What if the stars disappeared leaving me with a dark hole,
a hole missing the names.
How would I ever remember anything again?

-The scars, the pieces of gum stuck to the bottom of my feet
give meaning to these dried-up hands.

-And when I was a teenager,
you were still playing with Star Trek figurines
through the plastic box you wouldn't tear open.

-You didn't used to slam the door then.

God knows I probably did. I was a reckless kid
who worked out a persona in public
and laughed at cartoons when they weren’t looking.

Now it’s all instant reaction and being completely
prepared for the same old thing. Most people grow to hate routine,
but I deeply suspect I just went a little crazy instead.

You’ve managed to make me desperate to grow up
and terrified of losing the holy trinity of habit,
habit
and self-preservation.

I think congratulations
are clearly in order since love figures heavily into it
and you’ve in recent days got me looking at the sky
as though it tells me where I need to step
softly and where I need to run like hell.

It tells me better than the ground
or instinct ever could. I have you to thank
and love unconditionally for that.

-It's more important for you to remember the color of my eyes.

-A thousand thank you’s cannot measure up to the things I've done;
it just isn't going to be found in any of those Vonnegut books you read.

-Yes, I know they're lovely in their tragically beautiful sense,
the oxymoron of our time.
But the pages are not dog-eared nearly enough to guide you to some
self-preservation.

-No, I suspect this ring on my finger is really just a string of pearls
you stole from an ocean just 10 miles away.

-I could walk there, I could hunt the trail that lead you there,
but I'm much more interested in the why rather than the how.

We’re gonna be here all damn night, Lulu,
finish off this conversation and start another
that could choke the word count out of a phonebook
if we get into the why and disregard the how.

I want to put my hands on your waist
each night,
every night,
just for the next sixty years
or so
and talk about other things.

You might have to learn to live with that.

Although the how of it
is pretty damn interesting, I’ve gotta
admit. You gotta hit those old truck-stop
lunch counters that you can still find
throughout the great American back roads.

You gotta talk to a lot of weird,
hopeless,
cruel and beautiful characters
in all these places I often pray won’t disappear
when I stop breathing on my own.

Trust me. Be patient with me when I start to speak
and then take a pause that could last anywhere
from a couple of hours to a few frustrating years.

Be patient
because I’ll be getting ready to tell you everything
I’ve been keeping to myself.

-I never much cared for most of your pet-names for me,
but even I have to admit to adoring Lulu;
I don’t believe you had any idea that it means “pearl” in Arabic.

-We can spend years discussing it all,
realizing how petty the lives around us have been;
how much hope might dangle from dice hanging on every rearview mirror
for every couple who’s fighting for control of their own devastation.

-We don’t know if it would take one roll or two for the numbers to reach
snake eyes,
and I imagine you’ll just tell me to once again disregard the how.

-When we first met, I took a slight detour on the way to your house;
I was going to turn around, head back to South Carolina.
I was going to ruin the image you had of me.
I figured our one shot just wasn’t enough to take a chance on.
I believed patience wasn’t something I could concoct.

-And when I showed up, showed up without handcuffs,
showed up carrying that string of pearls behind my back,

-I told you my pause gave way to love and that love gave way to this,
and now this,
this is where the why and the how meet.

-If you ask me why I moved in with you,
why I gave up on another failed relationship to start anew,
even with my track record betting against us;

-I can tell you the how is now more important
because how could I have not fallen in love with you.

Then I’m going to let you do the talking for now.

I’m always dying on my feet,
dying on the stupid things I say, so I think I’ll just study
those eyes for awhile and let you tell me everything
that occurs to you when you ought to be sleeping.

I’ll wait to talk,
but I won’t be in any hurry for my turn to come up.
You’ve always been
a hell of a lot more interesting than me.

It’s funny about the insomnia,
by the way. We’re much too casual about it.

My optimism that it will come to any
sort of end is the stuff of old timers
who know better.

So I guess it’s good that I have
a few thousand movies to watch
and that we have so much to say
when the power goes out.

01/15/2010

Posted on 01/16/2010
Copyright © 2024 Ava Blu

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by Therese Elaine on 01/16/10 at 02:00 AM

Oh god...you two...this is magnificent -just a perfect flow of back and forth and playing off of each other and sentiment and humour and sadness and love all in one...I am absolutely blown away -well done to both of you!!!

Posted by Michael Smith on 01/16/10 at 02:07 AM

An endearing dialogue! "It's more important you remember the color of my eyes" :) Loved it. I'm sure you two had as much fun writing it as I did reading it. Thanks!

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