I am not sure if it's the mouthful
or the self-loathing
that comes first
but always to follow
is the misery
and the constant feeding
on food that is sure to end me.

I have told myself to infinity
that I'll eat better
and take care of myself
knowing how fragile I am
and yet
that taste of food
is so addicting
I can't stop the engulfing.

I can eat more than most
while my stomach rarely fills
it has come to be
that eating is now just
something I do
while doing anything.

The irony is that I work
in a restaurant
close to food all the time
but am unable to eat during
the busy shifts.

So it's before work
after work
before sleep
after waking
that food is there
to fulfill the desire
and add to the misery.

Food should be ingested
mostly for survival
and gluttony has become my vice
the thing that controls me.

After all, it's easy to eat.
It takes work to eat properly
and I am just too lazy to care.

This is my plea
my call for help perhaps
or just my misery
laughing at its existence
until that next unhealthy declaration.

At one point
food nourished me back to health
after my near-fatal car accident
and they told me to eat
to get my health back
and now it's all I do.

Food may make you sick
but it has this allure
that makes you come back
so unlike a drug
and yet, so like.

I guess I need to go to a meeting.

01/09/2010

Author's Note: I thought about writing it and it sucks but I wrote it so I'll post it.

Posted on 01/09/2010
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