you're planted firmly in front of all the craigslist ads
searching for someone with a dick
someone who won't hit you when you deserve it
someone who will let you drink all the whiskey
and never complain when you stumble ontop of them

they'll pretend to meet you somewhere
maybe at night when i'm passed out from crying
when i'm alone in bed without a clue

you will take my car,
drive to them
wait
wait for it

maybe they'll show
maybe they'll see you and keep driving

no one else is going to understand why you do it
not until you admit what you are
embrace this side

you were born a man wanting to see what it's like to be a woman
no one ever said the bible had it right
man with woman
woman with man

no one ever explained how complicated it would be
when the line blurs

i'm not waiting around every corner,
ready to jump out when i catch you

i'm not going to keep trying to know the truth

but if you had only told me what you wanted to try
admitted to something just once
just fucking once

no one else is going to forgive you when you leave them in the middle of the night

you started it on a lie
and i can't help but to
end it.

12/16/2009

Author's Note:

"I could cut up this reel and leave now
I could fill up with air
And scream so loud
I think I'm going to."

Posted on 12/16/2009
Copyright © 2026 Ava Blu

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by Gabriel Ricard on 12/16/09 at 08:56 PM
I envy those few writers who can be so deeply personal in their work and yet hit the right notes to force each reader to go into their minds and histories and look at those moments that they'd rather never see again. You build so much work on your flawless ability to do that and to not sacrifice an ounce of storytelling at the same time. This is so blunt, so brutal and very painful to read at times. I had to go through this a few times before I could even really get past how much of an impression this made on me with the first read. The sixth stanza is easily my favorite. That's the kind of line poor hacks like me never quite get. You make it look pretty damn easy. Stunning across the board.
Posted by V. Blake on 12/16/09 at 09:31 PM
Masterfully done, and the kind of dark that only you have ever been able to put into a bottle of ink and write with. I'm envious of your talent. 
Posted by Nanette Bellman on 12/17/09 at 12:31 AM
Gabe summed it up.  I don't know if this is fact or fiction but it is staggering with power and brashness that I hope to be able to convey and control like you do.