Long ago humans dug a hole
in the ground, found a big, soft leaf
squatted and then kicked dirt back in.

Now we sit on porcelain,
in private chambers, with candles
and air fresheners, and exhaust fans.

Though leaves are out of style,
we still have choice. Charmin Ultra,
Cottonelle, Viva! (or is that just paper towels?)

There's cheap, sandpaper 1-ply
wall-papering public restrooms
and slightly upgraded 2-ply at interstate

overnighter cheap-tels. I heard the Waldorf
provides wet-wipes and a concierge will
even bring warm hand-towels at the Bellagio.

Yet, some cultures are still rather primitive.
There might be a dock with a wooden stall
surrounding a hole in the floor. Or a spider

infested, wooden bench over a spade-dug
cavernous pit. Many muslim, African, and Indian
cultures exclusively use their left-hand for wipe duty.

Sometimes bare-handed, sometimes a smooth
stone will do. There's corncobs, handfuls of sand (ouch),
feathers, camel-fur, dead rats, enemies' faces.

Or there's the exhilarating aqua-dump--
you get to swim while pooping! And no mess!
But watch out! Eels, pinfish, anacondas

and piranhas, not to mention tapeworms
and other ungainly organisms are keen
on the back-door buffet so-to-speak.

The brown stuff, and the green stuff, the stuff
stuffed with corn, some real firm, some like boba tea.
There's pretentious shit, shameful shit

relief shit, hide-me shit, I wasn't fast enough shit,
artful shit, proud shit, the 50-minute read the entire GQ shit.
There's the whole world is shitting on me shit

and the I just ate at a health-code violating
seafood buffet and now Im doubled over with a bucket
between my feet and my ass firmly planted

on the toilet bowl seat while it comes out both ends shit.
Kind of makes you question the world, that one.
Leaves you dehydrated, exhausted, and screaming 'Holy shit!'

12/09/2009

Posted on 12/09/2009
Copyright © 2024 S. Pelham Flood