Five years have passed
and again I am here
scribbling thoughts
on what it's like
to be without you.

Sometimes
it feels like
nothing has happened
since you died.

I am still waiting tables
at a restaurant
I don't particularly like.

I am still writing poetry
that may never see
the inside pages
of a book or collection.

I am still wallowing in debt
as it grows and grows
no matter how hard I fight.

I am still sarcastic
and quick to judge;
quick to knock myself down
and question my own worth
constantly.

Quick to tire
and quick to sit on my ass
and do nothing
instead of
paint
write
plan
hope
dream
think.

I am my own worst enemy
and perhaps now
the biggest fault
is that I am analyzing
my crappy existence
instead of celebrating
all the wonderful things
you did for me
and with me,
including giving my birth.

I was never a confident person
and maybe you helped that
more than I realize.

I put on a good show
much of the time.

Keep my head held
high enough
just wanting to explode
in my mind's constant
anguish and frustration
over how I allow myself
to be treated
and how I treat myself.

I have spent so much time
hating myself
that it has become
the easier step
because loving myself
and taking care
of this fragile existence
seems so tiresome.

Sleep is still my enemy.
Get more than 4 hours
and my day is ruined.
I'd rather never sleep
since my eyes are red
all the time anyway.

Allergies
headaches
aching body
the complaints rattle
just as the sun rises
as so does my constant
jabbering and
excuse-making
fill the days
instead of putting this
semi-intelligent mind
to good fucking use,
jesus...

I've always hated myself
and somehow you
managed to still love me
through all the crap
and now the longer you are gone
the more I realize
how much you meant to me.

You really were
a wonderful person
who struggled and endured
and could still say
she was happy
nearing the end of her 52 years.

Maybe it was your courage
I never understood
and until now I never
thought of it that way.

Your strength through it all
is perhaps the lesson
I never learned.

These words mean nothing
unless I do something
to become someone
you can be proud.

10/19/2009

Author's Note: 5 years today. Miss you mom.

Posted on 10/19/2009
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