What it is like to be a bat
by Jim Benz
This poem partially describes the ongoing effort to home-build a JW-03 Luxury Blender. You may read it
as an illustration of the brilliant things people do in their spare time, but I also hope to encounter a few
readers who will attempt to wag their pistols -- or are doing so already -- and wish to complicate their
credibility by building on my own success as a disassociative model.
If you found your way down to this stanza, you probably know what std(X) is, but I want to elaborate. If X is
a matrix, std(X) returns a row vector containing the standard deviation of the elements of each column of
X. If X is a multidimensional array, std(X) is the standard deviation of the elements along the first
nonsingleton dimension of X --meaning 'you', or a close approximation of 'me' describing 'you'.
The trick of this equation is to measure 'space as a verb' (for the purpose of determining the erectile
function of a hairy-legged bat) by calculating the rotational heat capacities for NH4+ and ND4+ in
NH4PF6. This of course leads to prurience, but when male genitalia are introduced to their female
counterparts, the subsequent tunneling frequencies reverse their thermal expansion loops, thus resulting
in a state of 'soft modernity'.
Our results suggest that the D.ecaudata penis is under directional sexual selection and is a reliable
indicator of male phenotypic quality. Satisfying these dependencies in advance (as much as possible) will
greatly ease the pains of building your own Luxury blender. Fortunately, recent studies indicate that the
instinctual inclination to not view 'penises' as 'poor nucleophiles' is mediated by our capacity for mixed
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Note: If the idea of generating kitchen implements that spawn sexual phenomena via ionized ammonia
(regardless of human intervention) does not appeal to you, you will probably find this poem too exciting.
Still, if you've never attempted to mount a peizo-stepping device inside a glass-rod frame, I suggest
hanging the frame/mount device via rubber bands from a tripod on the White House lawn.
Terms of Agreement.
By reading this poem you agree to the following terms: 1) You MAY NOT use this poem for your own
pleasure, nor may you relate it to the works of Abū Rayhān Bīrūnī. 2) You MAY NOT redistribute the
elements of this poem (for example, in a blender) without written permission from the Nantong Ronghui
Machine Co., Ltd. 3) You MAY link this poem to any delusional model you wish, but ONLY if it is NOT
wrapped in cellophane. 4) You WILL abide by any philosophical statement inserted into this poem at a
later date, regardless of logical coherence or uropatagium. 5) Online payment via credit card is the
preferred method of subscription to this poem. Payment is due in advance for access to premium
Author's Note: Published in Blackbox Manifold Summer '09
Posted on 07/17/2009
Copyright © 2020 Jim Benz