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Before Kennecott [Daniel still asleep]… Waiting

by Brian Fuchs

Even before it begins, I wish the trip was over.
Age has made me inflexible and cantankerous,
failing to let me live in the moment.
I don’t want to live in the moment,
don’t want to live,
don’t want,
don’t…
I beg forgiveness from the people I want to please,
give only passing thoughts about those I don’t really care if I please.
Waiting, sitting. We aren’t gone and I feel the pain of love thrown in my face.
Unintentional, but hurtful.
Sigh.
I’m over being in pain; done with heartache.
Clichés.
Happiness is a mere decision away and I should run towards it, arms outstretched.
It is simple to vacation and so hard,
busy people all frantic about different things and personalities that barely mesh in the relative ease of our daily lives.
I feel my rage staying near the surface, ready to explode at any moment and I hope I can suppress it long enough
and then scream into my pillow later.
I don’t like it.
I feel like a child who wants things to stay as they are.
As they are. Not quite. Not this.
As they are.
It isn’t me who I am.
We’ll find ourselves soon at a lodge, which will likely disappoint my urban sensibilities
and I’ll feel ashamed to not be more connected to nature
or Nature.
Connected to the universe.
Hold it in.
Don’t let others see what secrets they already know. I long for an end.

6.13.2008

06/13/2008

Author's Note: I wrote this in the truck as we were waiting to leave for a road trip. As it turned out, I had a lot of fun on the trip.

Posted on 02/18/2009
Copyright © 2024 Brian Fuchs

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