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I'm just Useless Without a Map
by Rusty C Arquette
Perhaps no person
can be a poet,
or can even enjoy poetry,
without a certain
unsoundness of mind.
~Thomas B. Macaulay
Colleen drove
a Metropolitan
a tiny little two seat car
which was sold by Nash
and Hudson
all these names
have disappeared
into the mists of time
including Colleens
I think she bought
her mini car
because it was
two tone pink and white,
like her best friend Lindas
full sized, stylish,
Ford Crown Victoria
color was the only thing
these two cars had
in common
and about the only
thing she and Linda
had in common
Linda was a
slightly buxom
and quite attractive
young lady
she caught my eye
the first time
I saw here draped
on the arm of one of
my best friends
I would hang around
the two of them
just so I could be
close to her
hey
I knew she was taken
but there werent a lot
of good looking girls
in a town the size
of a postage stamp
you know these towns
drive through them
on the highway
blink your eyes
and theyre gone
Linda worked a lot
or was busy with my
buddy Dennis
so I took to hanging
around with Colleen
in hopes Id be there
when Linda showed up
I dont know what
I was thinking
wishful thinking, I guess
Linda was never going
to look twice at me
sigh
I think I need to point
out that my friend Colleen
must have weighed
250 pounds or more
a big girl
with a big smile
and an even bigger laugh
I was still
rather slim at this point
something that has
changed over the years
so I can truly feel
for those people who
suffer the pains of being
fat
I had no money
and no car
Colleen was my
willing friend and
personal chauffer
so I tooled around
with Colleen in her
shoebox sized Metro
through half of my
junior year
quite a sight
the two of us wedged
into that tiny car,
like two pimentos
shoved in an olive
we had a grand time
going to the beach
cruising up to Sarasota
going to movies
and teen dances
burning up gas
at 45 cents a gallon
like there was no
tomorrow
we did have some fun
on occasion we did
enjoy socking away
a little hooch
or some cold beers
Colleen was good at
knocking back a drink
and holding her own
she drank me under
the table on several
occasions
which really
isnt saying much
Im cursed with my
old mans demon
for the booze
and my moms lousy
ability to tolerate
the stuff
my dad could drink
forever and never
have a hangover
my mom had two
martinis and she
was wasted and
sick for a week
Im stuck somewhere
in the middle
one of the last times
I hung around with
Colleen ended on
a drunken note
wed been sucking it up
all evening
had a nice steak dinner
to start things off,
but it did little
to slow down our
slide to Blotoville
we both were sloshed
and laughing like idiots
I was too blasted to walk,
let alone go home
and face the wrath
of my tiny little terror
of a mother
so Colleen took me back
to the little place she
was renting
and we both quickly
crashed out on her
queen size bed
the lights went out
and it wasnt long until
I and my chunky cherub
were naked, groping,
and giggling like a couple
silly third graders
in spite of my
blurry drunken state
I managed to rise
to the occasion
with only minor
encouragement
I spent the next
twenty minutes
to a half hour going
through the motions
slipping and sliding
huffing and humping
working on auto pilot
until I was numb
and had lost contact with
my various body parts
out of breath
and on the verge
of losing consciousness
I heard Colleen giggling
in my ear
this can be unnerving
to a teenaged Don Juan
even if he is blasted
and only functioning
on instinct
I ignored her
for the moment
and continued my sloppy
thrusting and pumping
a few seconds later
she was giggling again
only louder
she said, wait a second
but I kept up the pace
wait! she repeated
a bit more demanding
this time
would you please STOP!
she laughed
I came to a halt,
asking, whats wrong?
I felt numb
and exhausted from
our prolonged ride
youre missing the mark,
she said sheepishly
what? I asked again
youre in the wrong spot,
she answered
trying to free herself
from my tangle of arms
and legs
wrong spot? I echoed
how the hell could I be
in the wrong spot?
Colleen started laughing
louder and louder
as I suddenly realized
my logistics had been off
Id been mistakenly attacking
with unrivaled abandon
one of the fatty folds
that hung above
lusts true target
I was mortified
but thankfully,
she was laughing so
hard she couldnt
catch her breath
ah, holy crap! I moaned
this reminds me of that
damn joke about roll her
around in flour and
look for the wet spot
she laughed hysterically
clutching at my
drunken head
which in turn had me
laughing until my sides hurt
we never did complete the act
we just lay there until wed
recuperated from all
the insane laughter
a month or so rolled by
we hadnt spoken of our
little exercise in futility
to each other
or anyone else
it was Colleens birthday
Linda threw a surprise party
for her over at Dennis house
I brought her a handmade
birthday card with a caricature
of the two of us sitting
grinning and waving
from inside her little Metro
she loved it
I got a big Colleen
hug and kiss
later, in front of
about three dozen guests,
she opened her birthday
presents
I waited till shed opened
everyone elses offerings
before I gave her mine
Id attached the real gift
a silver friendship ring
with a series of hearts
and doves around the band
to the lid of the box
with some ribbon
she loved this too
and I got another big Colleen
hug and kiss
then she opened the box
inside Id placed
a small card
that read
rain check
it sat on a bed of
fine white flour
the assembled guests
stood dazed and confused
as the two of us laughed
hysterically
as she covered me
with more of those big
wonderful Colleen
hugs and kisses
I have to suspect
that those party-goers
are dazed and confused
to this very day
06/25/2005 Author's Note: My life has been a constant rollercoaster ride of the ridiculous and the sublime...the routine and the absurd. It is only now, with age, that I've had time to slow down and reflect on it all. What a ride! Let's do it again! - RCat
Posted on 01/31/2009
Copyright © 2024 Rusty C Arquette
| Member Comments on this Poem |
| Posted by A. Paige White on 02/01/09 at 12:28 AM What a wonderful reflection it is, darlin. You gave us the chance to be the dazed and confused -but aware - pathetic party crashers.... Just wonderful! |
| Posted by Gabriel Ricard on 02/01/09 at 04:51 PM I've heard you only get to go around once, but if anyone could prove that wrong, it'd be you. Great write. |
| Posted by Mara Meade on 02/03/09 at 04:12 AM I am chuckling awayat this; imagining and seeing it all as though I was there. What a gift for humour you have! |
| Posted by Mo Couts on 06/29/11 at 09:13 PM Haha, this is awesome! |
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