I realize that
what you Knew about yourself
was much more difficult to understand
and accept, at the time when you needed
to understand and accept.
Those terrible years when you tried to be Yourself
only to be alienated by your parents,
only to be ostracized, even subject to violent threats,
all those thing that most who are like You go through.
You are bonded in your experiences, in as much as you understand
what comes from a simple word.

All those days and days and weeks you spent
hating Yourself, damning yourself with your Catholic upbringing.
Pleading to God to change your Mind, everyday, just make you Different, please. please.
The feeling that you were not Yourself in your own skin, within the circles
of your own kin,
you knew they wanted a different You, too. Would not ALLOW this you.
As if such things are allowed.

Years and years of Growing and Becoming Yourself...
through the guilt-feelings
and the social frustration,
you made a niche in your world, and have come close
to ultimate Understanding of Self.
................................................................
Inside of me,
there was just an inkling, a leaning, something I did not even know enough about
to understand that what I was feeling was Different.
I had paper drawings that I hid between the pages of books.
I knew those drawings were wrong, but I did not know why.
I thought it was because they had no clothes on.
I had Barbie dolls and art books,
and strange feelings.
I did not even know that the feelings were strange.

Years later
I fell in love with someone who was forbidden, I knew it.
But then, I thought maybe this is just what loving a friend felt like.
When my heart was so full it would burst.
When I wanted to put my arms around her waist.
But this was just strong friendship. This was just my being lonely.
This was just my artistic side, appreciating the form of a woman.
I barely thought about it.
Except every moment I was with her.
At home at night, It wasnt an issue.
I didnt toss and turn over it.
I didnt consider it Evil.
I hardly considered it.
.........................................................
Skip forward,
fall in love
with who I Should love,
in all ways.
My soulmate,
my husband,
my earth and sky,
my blue-eyed boy.

You were already settled in yourself,
We settled into our lives,
opening our minds,
you expanded me.
You introduced me to my Self, in various ways.
Exposure making me think about things in a new light,
Suddenly, I'm realizing that I'm not the person that I thought I was,
or,
actually,
there is more to me that I thought there was.
..........................................................
Swinging on a hinge,
I move between worlds,
I am binary,
I am startled by the revelation,
..........................................................
Except that I have moved so fluidly,
and do not feel part of a community, like you do.
I do not feel part of a movement,
or a culture,
I do not feel like I have the right to talk about it,
because I have not suffered.
I do not feel like I am seen for who I am,
because I do not carry a flag.
I feel lonely and unbonded, and free-floating.
.............

01/25/2009

Author's Note: I'm not sure why I wrote this. catharsis most likely.

Posted on 01/25/2009
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