she’s counting the pills,
thinking it must be a mistake to have her taking
16 pills a day

she wanted to go swimming;
being playful in the ocean always has a way of
clearing her

2 before breakfast, 1 at lunch, another at dinner and 2 before bed

she doesn’t eat breakfast or dinner,
sometimes nothing at all

the doctor says she must start a routine

routines are for the people moving forward,
living lives with structure,
who know where their head will lay that night

her routine is being in bed at 9, waking up at 11, 1, 4
blow nose every hour until the only thing coming out is blood
take the hottest shower ever,
in hopes of frying her skin

(it only becomes a problem when you let it)

but she calls bullshit on that
the routines
the drugs
the desire to be amongst the living

these are uncontrollable
and no one can choose to be happy

she checks the phone every 15 minutes
she relocks the doors every 10

but she’ll still leave the house
even when she’s begged to stay in

(it doesn’t become a death until you give up)

she’s on the verge.

01/17/2009