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pressing forward while wanting to go back

by Ava Blu



I keep thinking I can skip out on certain parts of my life and
just fast forward to the next ones
and somehow I think this can be done with little
to no consequences
no drawbacks
and no reasons to want to rewind

either I’m foolish or cold-hearted,
and at least one of those is a little too meaningful

in my pajamas sulking in sheets
I am at my most self-loathing moment
while writing about someone else’s
life

see, I can write about their life as detached as I make them seem
because caring isn’t an option for the weak

I’m starting to disgust myself, though,
so maybe it’s time I took a shower
and allowed myself a moment to stare back
at some woman in the mirror who just might
be me

I remember each laugh line
and every wrinkle that formed from frequent frowns

I can trace the places I have been touched,
both reassured and ashamed
the places that bended to someone else’s whim
and wouldn’t let me close my eyes
so as not to witness

I could tell you about each scar,
but I haven’t a clue how most of them came about;
either selective memory or true tragedy of loss

sometimes all my life seems to be
is a line drawn in the sand
on every beach we couldn’t go;
a few sandcastles and forgotten bottles
along the sea

it’s no wonder I try to fast forward
and end up getting too far
from home

my eyes
are the last thing that haven’t yet
turned on me

and even today,
staring into them while they cower away from the filth,
I know they won’t ever allow me the opportunity
to rewind.

01/05/2009

Posted on 01/05/2009
Copyright © 2020 Ava Blu

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by Gabriel Ricard on 01/05/09 at 03:59 PM

You know, of all the writers here on Pathetic, I think your work best evokes the spirit of my own favorite poet, Dorothy Parker. Your style is very much your own, and that comes through in a every brilliant line of this piece, but I also think you, like the late Ms. Parker, have an incredible talent for honesty and quiet, sometimes grim flashes of humor. It comes together beautifully with your ability to move between hope and despair, while always remembering that it's often our ability to move between hope and despair that makes it worth getting up in the morning. This is great work.

Posted by Anita Mac on 01/06/09 at 05:36 AM

Take that look in the mirror. I know you'll find something worthwhile in what's gazing back. Nicely done, as ever.

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