this isn't intended to start a fight. this is me speaking my peace. i need to do this for peace within myself.
i told you i was angry. angry wasn't the appropriate term, hurt would be more accurate.
i was/am/are hurt because i wanted to talk. i felt as if you just blew me off when i told you that. granted, the way i asked you to change the situation wasn't the best. it makes me feel like you don't care what i have to say or what i'm feeling, it's not of importance to you. there are times that i do muster up the courage to actually speak these thoughts and feelings to you but you don't want to hear it or it's not the best of times. regardless, i do have thoughts and feelings and things to say, to get off my chest. things that keep my mind running and my body awake at night. i know that seems dramatic but it's the truth.
i think of all i do for you. all the secrets that i keep, myself being the biggest. all of myself i put on hold, i bottle up, i swallow whole. this isn't about making your lunch, cooking your dinner, rubbing your back or sucking your dick. i know you never ask anything of me, i know i make the choice to do it all. i just want to know when i'm going to get back what i give? when is what i do for you going to make a dent in you, make you realize, anything. i take the back burner and i know the circumstances don't allow it but when can i be first? when can you take all this into consideration? how i might be feeling, what i might be thinking?
it was probably best that we didn't talk Sunday like i wanted. because it would have been about nothing. only about how i feel like i can't do this anymore. how i don't think you're ever going to get away from her. how i feel like an asshole for being here because i deserve to be important to someone, not second or third. how i feel like i'm selling myself short waiting for you. i wish you just how hard it is to wait someone, to wait for you. how i feel like all we do is fight. it doesn't matter who's to fault. how i'm not sure this is even worth it.
but this morning, when i gave you your hat and sunglasses, and you told me to come back and you kissed me. and Saturday and Sunday's when we run errands. and nights i get to lay in bed next to you, sometimes wrapped in your arms, sometimes not, but i can touch you all over. it's in those moments that all those negative thoughts go away. that's when i see that i should be the one you come home too. the one who sleeps next to you night after night. the one you kiss when you walk in the door from work and before you leave for anything.
i just wish you could give me more of those moments. more of you. of your thoughts and feelings. reasons from you of why i should be here and why i should stay.
because i love you. i want to be in love with you. i just want you to feel the same about me.
i'm sorry if this makes you feel uncomfortable or angry or hurt or anything that you don't want to feel. i just wanted you to know these things. i love you so much. you'll never know.
