This isn’t intended to be like the boys in a locker room comparing penis sizes and seeing who’s bigger than who. This is because for some reason, I can’t talk to you. The hamster in my head gets all choked up on coke or something and whatever I go to say, I just can’t get my vocal chords to vibrato out. You intimidate me and I don’t know why.

I know that it’s just mess up after mess up after mess up with me. I can’t seem to get anything right and that’s pretty much been the story of my life. I wish I could make you a money back guarantee that one day, I’ll be fine but I don’t know if I will be. And that’s the only truth I can guarantee.

My days of slut magic are over. I know that I haven’t been very good at proving that to you. I know that I haven’t given you any reason what so ever to trust me on that or anything I’ve ever said to you. I just wish my word could be good enough to tide you over.

My excuses and blames on this situation are getting old. I know that. I really do try my best to deal with it and not give up on it, most importantly, give up on you. But it’s just so hard because I’m so out there in the open with everything. I really should give you more credit because you’re handling this situation like a professional. Not many people could do what you’re doing. I’m not saying it’s not hard for you either.

I wish you’d be as open as you used to be. I don’t know why you don’t share your feelings. Maybe it’s because you used to wear your heart on you sleeve and some stupid girl came along and ran away with it. I just hate not knowing how you feeling and having to what I feel like is pry them out of you. I just sometimes don’t know what you feel or what you really mean, and yes, sometimes I wonder if what you say to me is the truth. (I know that part probably hurt but it’s the truth and I don’t mean it too, I just want you to know how I feel.) I just want to make sure I’m not just a cake you’re going to eat too.

If it were up to me, every single second we had together, I would show you and you would know just how much I am in love with you. There would never be a doubt in your mind. I would hold you in my arms and just let you lay there, so I could watch you breathe. I would kiss you every chance I got so you’d never forget the taste of my kiss. I would write “I love you” on the beach as many million times as it took till the tide stopped washing it away. Call me smothering, call my selfish, but that’s what I would do. I would never let a minute go by without showing you.

Despite my fuck ups, you’re the only person I want to have big life plans with. It’s just frustrating because I don’t know when my life with you will really be able to start.

I just know that the night I laid in my bed while he was gone and you held me and I told you I didn’t want the feelings I had at that very moment to end ever and you told me they didn’t have too, was when I knew that you were the one.