he has a crazy ex-girlfriend who somehow
now knows where i live &
he's addicted to shooting up cocaine goes
on binges for days getting high without even
saying goodbye & then shows back up
out of the blue

and between us there are no I love you's
no dates, or "walks on the beach" & every
single time i feel like i will explode without
him he's always just out of reach but i'm
addicted to the roughness of his hands &
the scar near his right eye and the way he holds
both of my legs a little too high as his
aggression unfolds inside of me filling me
to the brim

i want to keep him

even though he has warrants in two different
states illegal plates owes drug dealers money
has slept with more women than i can count,
has cheated & beated on all of his exes,
thinks women are for sex and

not much else.

but when he slept in my bed he wrapped both
arms around me and held my hand like he'd
never let go and when he kisses me sometimes
it's so softly on my eyes, on my face and further
below & his face shows all of the places he's been
his body is tall and lean & when i'm around him
i feel like laying down, bending over, or even
getting on my knees

anything just to please him, anything to keep him
near. i feel so incomplete without him here & he
always tells me i have the most gorgeous eyes
he's ever seen & all i can ever seem to say is

"i wish i could keep you"

and of course he never responds because we
both know where this is going, the deadend
up around the corner & even as i write this
i'm wondering where's he's at, not trusting
that he's alone, pretty sure he isn't at home
wishing that he would call but knowing that
won't ever happen
at all...

but he left one of his shirts at my house
so pathetic i slept with it last night, smelling
him practically wearing him remembering
him inside of me & i thought i could do
this lightheartedly, thought i could keep
my heart still

i thought
i could keep my heart still

but when he touches me when he
looks at me when he grabs me when he
looks at me when he's inside of me when he
looks at me

i thought
i could keep my heart still.

04/10/2008

Author's Note: ick.

Posted on 04/10/2008
Copyright © 2025 Olivia Weinkein