I had to stop four times yesterday. I had to close my eyes and ask You to help me get through this moment. I didn't even want to breath. I didn't want to move. I just wanted it to be better. I couldn't shake it. I couldn't fight it.

It didn't get better. It only made me more weary ~ so tired of fighting. Fighting life. Fighting myself. Fighting for him. Fighting You.

I went to church today. But I was unable to go to the alter. My legs didn't work. I knew all of them, they are my brothers and sisters. They would have lifted me up. They would have laid hands on me. Prayed over me. Cried with me. But I felt so alone.

So I stayed in my pew and pretended it was all ok. When asking for prayer requests, Brother Bill (he gave the sermon today) mentioned my name. He knows. I confide in him. Sister Judy ~ she knows. I confide in her. They pray for me. After the service, Brother John came up to me. And we talked for about 20 minutes. He knows. I confided in him. He prays for me.

My words...they leave me. In all of my brokeness, my prayers are silent. They have been uttered so many times ~ they speak to You themselves without me.

How long Abba? I need You. Please help me. I am scared. I am loosing hold of You. And all I feel is darkness.

08/12/2007

Posted on 08/13/2007
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